CAVEAT: This is my soap-box. And I'm writing this mostly to the Maven Moms (you know who you are.) But please, no one take offense.
I think of myself as sort of this maverick feminist. You see, I'm a feminist--I believe in equal pay for equal work--but I have so many conflicts with second and third wave feminism. I feel like I don't fit in, but maybe Dolce Carina and Calamity Jane will understand, maybe.
Ok, so as a young, professionally successful woman, I feel all this pressure. It's like second wave feminism, particularly, is telling me that I ought to have a great career and be super-mom all at the same time. And here's the thing--I can't do it. I don't know if anyone can do it. I look at what I'm putting into my career right now, and I know that to keep working the way that I am, to do what I need to do professionally, I cannot give children the attention they deserve. I recognize that I can't do both. I can't have this 55-hour a week academic career and take care of a baby. Something would have to give, and right now, I'm thankful that I don't have to make that choice between my career and my children. And I really believe that this is true for most of us. We can't take care of babies and give them what they need and still work and work and work the way we might have to to get ahead, especially in competitive careers. When I look at my friends, the ones I know are admirable mothers, I cannot imagine doing what they do every day. In fact, I think that all of you work harder than I do. I don't know. What I'm trying to say is that I feel all this pressure to have the perfect career and the perfect children, and I find it hard to believe that most women can do both of those things and do them well, especially with small children at home. But isn't this what second wave feminism ala The Feminine Mistique tells us we should be able to do? Isn't this what much of society expects, criticizing those who are "only" stay-at-home moms?
By the way, hats off to stay-at-home moms. I think that each of you is doing what's best for your children--you are making the choice in the best interest of those you love.
And then there's third wave, the movement that, generationally, I should be part of, right? Only what's up with "do me" feminism, anyway? I refuse to accept that the objectification of women is fine, if that's what women choose. I refuse to accept that prostitution is OK for society, provided that women choose that option.
Have I just misunderstood something?
So where do I fit? Call me the maverick feminist.
a president, a King
13 years ago
6 comments:
I used to be this total anti-feminist that wasn't going to let her husband lift a finger in her house. I was to be THE SuperMom. Now that I am doing exactly what I always dreamed of doing - married, staying at home with lots of babies - I have become much more of a feminist. There is so much pressure out there to be this great mom with perfectly behaved children and a sparkling clean house and I just can't do it. I get overwhelmed everyday and I feel defeated. So, the pressure of having a perfect family and the impossiblity of that has caused me to realize how I wish I had pursued some of my God-given talents and passions, too - not just Home Ec. I long to have an outlet that I could pursue in order to feel some identity of my own. I think that it is good for children to see their mother doing more than cleaning their house. I think it would help build more respect - something that kids often have more of for their fathers. Anyway, I think you are right, having a full-time career and being a good mom to young children is near impossible. It might be that a woman has to temporarily cut-back or just get creative with her career pursuits when her children are young in order to keep up with both. I am also very fond of the idea of housekeepers - wish I could afford one. I have been reading a lot of Madeleine L'Engle lately and she is quite an inspiration for any woman that loves her work and her children.
drennan, and joybugsdoug, have you checked out judith warner's perfect madness? jane clued me on to this one: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1573223042/103-6001954-3919013?v=glance&n=283155
and on being a feminist, postpartum: www.mothersmovement.org
I agree that L'Engle does speak to this topic in a creative, interesting way.
Maybe someone can sort out the waves for me. Xina (philosopher, knitter, and my source for all things feminist) says:
Take care, and remember: "give us the vote!" is 1st wave feminism; "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle" is 2nd wave feminism; "I'll start the meeting as soon as I'm finished putting on my lipstick" is 3rd wave.
Is a pro-objectification feminism only one branch of a third wave that emphasizes the individual woman's freedom to choose, or have I misunderstood?
David (and others):
This is a gross over-simplification, I'm sure. Carina might have more to add.
First Wave: Women get the vote
Second Wave: Connected to 1960s and 70s "women's lib" movement. Emphasizes sexual freedom, workplace and social equality. Also tends to emphasize social responsibility--feminism as a sisterhood with responsibilities to the next generation.
Third Wave: Children of the second wave, both literally and metaphorically. So-called third wave feminism tends to emphasize personal desires--women can do whatever they want--with less concern for how it affects society. So, if an individual woman wants to be a stripper, a prostitute, or even Madonna (the pop star, not the Catholic icon), then she should do it. Porn is empowering. This particular mindset is sometimes referred to as "do me" feminism. Now, many in the second wave argues that this sort of behavior is a step back. Sexual objectification, for example, is not the "right" thing to do because it contributes to a loss of autonomy for women everywhere. I guess that third wave tends to emphasize that the individual can and should do what she wants. Second wave, in contrast, tends to emphasize the responsibility to the greater good of all women.
This is a way over-simplification. And there's more to third wave than "do me" feminism.
Does that help?
One more thing. I don't want to imply that all third-wave consists of so-called "do me feminism." I get that there's more to it than that. But one of my big issues with third-wave is that it does seem to emphasize personal freedom at the expensive of social responsibility, something that I think the feminist movement in America has been about prior to the third-wave.
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