Random Rant-y-ness

So where do I begin? I feel like crap just now. No really. And there are probably lots of reasons for that, but I'm trying to focus on the things I really want to get out, you know?  So basically, I just kinda feel like I never get anything done.  Today, I went into work (although it's spring break) with the intention of getting a set of exams graded.  Well, when I got there, the heating in the building was malfunctioning, and it was, no kidding, 98 degrees in the building.  And I thought I could just open the window, because it was like 40 degrees outside, but then it was just all windy and papers and stuff kept blowing around.  All this to say that I didn't actually get grading, or much of anything else, done.  And oh yeah, also the fire alarm keep beeping intermittently in the building, which it does occasionally.

But that's really the least of my issues at the moment.  You see, I have this essay that I want to revise.  It's a long (and boring) story, but it's possibly been accepted for publication pending revisions.  Anyhow, so one project for this week, it being break and all, is to at least work on revisions for the piece.  But I'm feeling lost as to what the editors are wanting me to do.  I mean, they've emailed suggestions for revision, but I just don't "get" it, which really kinda makes me feel dumb.  But what's even worse is that I finall today read through the piece today, and I feel like it's total crap.  I mean, I think I have some interesting ideas, but it's like there's no cohesion, and I've no idea where the essay is really going.  It's all this and that about Narnia and the cultural context of WWII England, but it's like there's no point or direction to the whole thing.  And I feel like I need some sort of theoretical grounding that I can't really get ahold of.  I mean, I open by trying to situate my discussion within the context of current critical responses to Harry Potter, which makes sense in one way, but it's just not working.  And I don't know where to go from here.  I'm always a believer that I can somehow write my way out of this sort of thing, which is probably part of what's motivating this particular post.  Uggh!!!  Why does writing have to be so painful?  The thing is that I sorta just don't even care about this essay any more--I have no passion for it.  And yesterday C. said that maybe I need detachment to get it done; this seems reasonable.  But I'm not really detached in a healthy way; I'm more just annoyed and want it to be over.  This is exactly the feeling I had to get to in order to get my dissertation done.  So maybe it's a productive annoyance.  But really, it's not very pleasant.  But who said life was supposed to be pleasant????

My other writing project for the week is to work on this conference presentation on S. Meyer's _Twilight_ saga for this conference that I'm presenting at next week.  And seriously, I just increasingly hate the series for a number of reasons, and am kinda annoyed with myself for deciding to present on why I think something is dumb instead of why something is really great or really interesting or whatever.  Anyway, I guess that I just need to sit down and draft some pages and see what I can come up with.

On a happier note, Fenway thinks I'm just the cat's pajamas.  And that makes me feel better.  Also, being off of work for the week is nice.  I've been reading lots of interesting stuff, including Ian Rankin's Inspector Rebus series.  I've also been watching as much of Prime Suspect on DVD as I can.   

Gogo Para Presidente

OK, does anyone else remember this? I've been searching the internet for this clip for, like, the last 5 years, and today I finally found it! All I have to say is, "vote Goat."

Fear in a Handful of Dust

Ok, I just sort of realized that for the last couple of weeks, I've had all these lines from Eliot rolling around in my brain.  And I don't know what it all means.  I mean, I know what the individual lines mean, or at least I think I do.  But I don't know why I've been sort of non-consciously meditating on Eliot.  And it seems like maybe it is significant that here I am, a week before my birthday, contemplating Eliot's "handful of dust."  Anyhow, it seems like maybe I should throw out there the lines that have been popping in and out of my awareness.  And I should maybe preface this all by saying that I've been reading Dante pretty intensely lately; Eliot is certainly interested in Dante.

So clearly, "I will show you fear in a handful of dust" is striking a chord with me.  And as I've been walking around, breathing in and out, going to class, whatever, I find myself repeating over and over, "I will show you fear in a handful of dust.  I will show you fear in a handful of dust."  When I finally stopped and thought about it, I realized that this was a line from The Wasteland.  So here's the line in context:

And I will show you something different from either
Your shadow at morning striding behind you
Or your shadow at evening rising to meet you;
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

So here I am, the week before my thirth-fourth birthday, thinking not about youth, the shadow at morning, nor old age, the shadow at evening, but death, that "handful of dust."  That makes it sound like I'm all depressed; I don't think that I am.  And yet, mortality is on my mind.  It's like a refrain in and out of days and over the weeks and through the years, this "fear in a handful of dust."  And yet, I'm believing more and more that death is but a "sea change."  Doesn't Eliot quote "those are pearls that were his eyes" in The Wasteland?

The other line, this one from Prufrock, that keeps playing in my head is the one about preparing "a face to meet the faces that you meet."  And I do so often think about all the energy, really, that I spend preparing that face; that is, I spend too much effort trying to present myself to the world in such a way as to demonstrate that everything is OK, trying to convince everyone (and maybe myself) that I'm just fine, that I'm getting through.  And I am getting through.  But so often, it's painful.  And just prepaing that face is hard some days.

I'm certainly no Eliot scholar, but I am finding myself drawn to Eliot.  And I've spent much of the afternoon reading and rereading The Wasteland, and Ash Wednesday, and the Four Quartets.  Eliot makes me want to pick up my John Donne.

Update

It just dawned on me that I've not posted anything in quite a while.  I'm going to avoid the post about why I've not posted and, instead, try to give a quick round-up of what's cookin' in my world.  At the moment, my linner, a spinich artichoke heart calzone, is cookin' thus limiting my post to about 15-minutes worth of ramble.  I feel like I've been working a lot, in a good way.  I've been preoccupied with things like Dante, Beowulf, and The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, which is a not-at-all bad combination.  I've also been reading quite a lot.  The week of 16 February, we had winter break, so I spent the week reading and watching DVDs and cooking, quite a lovely way to spend break.  Oh, I made this divine cheddar beer soup!  It's one of the best things I've ever tasted.  Seriously.  Yesterday, I had lunch at Cafe Provence, where I ate scallops wrapped in smoked salmon.  It's possibly the single most wonderful thing I've ever tasted.  I've read a couple of PD James novels lately; I'm in the middle of her Unsuitable Job for a Woman just now, and it's quite good.  I also read something--13 Stairs?  13 Steps?--by Ruth Rendell; it was quite disappointing.  I also read Rosalind Miles's Guenevere Queen of the Summer Country.  It was sorta too Mists of Avalon.  (Side Note:  I really want to like Marion Zimmer Bradley, but I just don't!).  More interesting are the DVDs I've been watching.  I watched the first two seasons / series of Helen Mirren in Prime Suspect--wonderful!  This is just the sort of British who-done-it that appeals to me.  And how can one not like Dame Helen?  Also, I've discovered Battlestar Galactica, thanks to A., a much appreciated colleague.  And it's totally kick-ass.  Seriously.  I probably watched a good 10 hours of it over the weekend.  Totally recommend.  The plot's interesting and not entirely predictable, and there's interesting character development.  I've also sprinkled in episodes of Upstairs, Downstairs, As Time Goes By, and *gasp* Gossip Girl.  I'm not sure if I can really do Gossip Girl or not.  I watched the first four episodes from Netflix and was entertained enough to order the next disk.  But really, there's a limit to how much disbelief I can suspend when it comes to NYC teens.  I mean, 90210 is soooooooooooo much more believable.  So that's pretty much it for me:  food, books, and DVDs.  I'm sparing you the narratives about students texting in class and not reading Beowulf. 

Oh yeah, on 15 February, P. and I saw Willie Nelson in Albany NY with Asleep at the Wheel.  I LOVE Willie.  Love him.