OK, I'm going to resist the temptation to post this long apologetic thing about why I haven't been posting. There's really no good explanation, except for that I was really depressed, badly depressed for quite a while. But I'm feeling so, so much better lately. I'm feeling like a normal person anyway. And I'm getting actual work done, which makes me so much more content in that day-to-day sort of way. It's like I suddenly feel like my existence matters when I'm able to work. But the weird thing is that there was nothing beyond depression and anxiety keeping me from working in the first place.

The other thing about being non-depressed is that I can, again, enjoy the really simple things, like cooking and reading and writing. I mean, when I'm depressed, it's like there's no pleasure in anything. But when I'm feeling just normal, the little things, like a really good cup of coffee or a really great murder mystery, bring me so much pleasure. But when I'm depressed, really depressed, I can hardly bring myself to do all those things, much less enjoy them. So I guess what I'm really trying to say is that it feels really, really good to just feel normal. It's so exciting to have read Harry Potter all weekend and to have actually enjoyed it. I guess that when I'm depressed (and maybe this is the thing with all depression--I don't know), I expend so much energy just trying to make myself do the things that have to be done, like getting out of bed and taking a shower and going to work and doing the dishes and going to bed on time, that there's no energy at all for anything fun. I realized as I spiraled back up, out of depression, that I couldn't even remember the last time I'd done anything fun. And aside from that, I think it would be good for me to try to have more fun in my life. But when I'm depressed, just the essentials are all I can handle, and even the essentials are sometimes more than I can handle. I'm just so thankful and relieved and happy to feel like a normal person again.

So thanks if you've read all this. It's not particularly interesting or insightful, I know. It's all even kind of self-indulgent. But I do think it's maybe, probably what I needed to write just now.

Emotional "Funk"

So, try as I might, and believe me, I'm trying everything I know, I can't seem to pull myself out of whatever emotional funk I'm in at the moment. And I feel frustrated because I've exhausted nearly all the normal avenues that I perceive to combat depression and anxiety and all that. It's all somehow exhausting. Just getting through the day feels like about all I can handle with on most days. I realize that I'm getting all broken-record and stuff. I guess I just keep blogging, even when I don't have much to say, because it's a way to feel slightly less isolated. But it's hard. Anyway, I'm still here and still trying.

Anxiety

OK, so the last four days or so, my anxiety has been pretty bad. And it gets really, really discouraging sometimes. When I'm really anxious, it's like I cannot concentrate on anything--work, pleasure reading, watching a movie. And it's just about the most frustrating, discouraging thing in the world. There are days, literally, when I am afraid that I won't be able to get through teaching a 50-minute class period. And although I sometimes feel like I can't do it, I most often manage to get through teaching, but it seems to take so much out of me that I can only crash afterwards. It's like fighting off the anxiety uses all the emotional reserves and resources that I can muster.

Starting about mid-March, I'd decided I wanted, as soon as school was out for the summer, I wanted to reread the Harry Potter series, in anticipation of the final book being released later this month. And I get so anxious that I too often can't settle down and read. And the really weird part about it all is that I just feel so apathetic (talked to J.S. about this the other day--he agrees that this particular apathy could be, seems like a symptom of depression. It's sad that something, Harry Potter, that used to bring so much pleasure on rereading just seems so flat, so unimportant).

However, I have discovered a tremendous help in my struggle against anxiety. A psychologist named Frank Lawlis (who is also Dr.Phil's mentor) has a series of relaxation CDs that I find tremendously helpful. They seem to be exercises based very much in biofeedback training and in simple breath observation meditiation. Here's a link, if anyone's interested:

http://www.mindbodyseries.com/

I admit that the set-up of the web site looks rather cheezy, but I'm using the series on general relaxation, and I do find it useful. I often listen to the disk as I'm falling asleep. And when I'm feeling super anxious, I listen too. It really does help me calm down and focus. I've loaded the program onto my iPod, and that way I can have it with me wherever I go, in case I'm out and about and get all panicky. This happened today between classes. I was only able to listen to about 5 minutes of the 20ish minute program, but it helped. And on the one hand, carrying around my iPod to cope with panic attacks seems a little extreme, maybe even neurotic. But it really does help, and I'm convinced it's a healthy way to deal with it all.

Guinnie is All Ready For the Fourth!

They are forecasting thunderstorms for tomorrow, July 4. But not to worry because Guinnie is all set. She's got her slicker on and is ready to par-tay!

Detox Diet Day Two--I Miss Bread

OK, I should have anticipated this. I feel really good physically, eating lots of veggies and such. But I really miss bread just about now. The bakery in the local grocery store makes this really great olive oil rosemary bread. And I'm so craving it. With lots of butter, naturally. While there's all kinds of good stuff out there that I can and even should eat, I'm longing for a carb binge. You know, I want lots and lots of refined carbs, preferably with dairy on top. I love to make (and A. can attest to this, as he's often the receipent / victim of my cooking) real Mac and Cheese. I've nothing against Kraft and will gladly eat Mac and Cheese out of a box, but there's something incredibly comforting about making cheese sauce from cream and butter and garlic and shredded cheddar while the pasta is boiling. *sigh* I suppose I'm just making myself want all this stuff more by sitting here and dwelling on it.

Maybe I'd be better off thinking about all the yummy things I have been eating. I'm sure I mentioned this yesterday, but I made this great Indian-inspired lentil soupy stuff. And it was wonderful and comforting and makes a complete protein when eaten with brown rice, right? And yesterday evening, I was very hungry and made this great salad and it was beautiful and wonderful and satisfying. And in some ways, this whole detox diet feels like rediscovering all this really great stuff, like the joy of a beautiful, wonderful green salad.

One of My Better Ideas

So about an hour ago, I wanted to take a shower and exfoliate. And I was convinced that I had some sort of lavender salt or sugar scrub, probably from Bath and Body Works. But I couldn't find said scrub. And that's the kind of thing that really annoys and frustrates me, you know? It's the whole, "I know it's got to be here somewhere. Am I just crazy?" So after a fruitless search, I decided that I should be able to whip up some sort of sugar scrub in the kitchen. I googled and experiemented, and here it is:

All you need are equal parts white, plain, cheap sugar and olive oil. I threw in a little lemon balm and a little lavender from my yard. But it was totally great. My skin is soft and smooth. It worked at least as well as, probably better than, many expensive scrubs I've bought.

Plus, you know, there's the whole added bonus of feeling really smart somehow.

Jicama

OK, I want to say that I LOVE jicama, and I cannot figure out why we're not all eating it more often. Weight Watchers says that, like so many veggies, it's a zero-point food. What that basically means is that one can eat as much of it as one wants. So it's all, you know, good for you and stuff. But I love the texture of it. It's so crunchy, and it almost, but not quite, satisfies the desire for potato chips. I love it plain, love it with lemon juice and chili powder, love it dipped in hummus. Jicama is just so great. It's kinda ugly, I guess. Maybe that's why we don't bother with it more often--I don't know. But right here and now, I am vowing to eat more jicama.

The Detox Diet

OK, so as I'm kicking off my "Living Well Through Acquiring Less" project (and I'm feeling like the project maybe deserves its own blog, maybe a collective kind of thing, if anyone else is interested in simplifying and experimenting and all that!), I have decided to do a two-week cleansing, detox thing. And I'm excited about it. Basically, I'm eating this really basic, vegan-like diet. No dairy, no meat, no animal products at all. Lots of fruits and veggies. And only very simple grains and such--I'm planning brown basmati (my fav!) and an Indian-inspired lentil / daal kind of soup. It's all kinda exciting. Lately, I don't necessarily feel sick, but I too often just feel not good. So my plan is to cut my diet way back to really basic, healthy stuff, just to see how it makes me feel. And from there, I want to slowly add in dairy and maybe just seafood.

I'm also taking a program of detox herbal supplements.

Here's the thing: detox plans that I've read about all recommend that one give up caffeine. And really, I'm just not willing to do it. I could even give up coffee for a while (BTW I anticipate that cream in my coffee is the thing I'll miss most during this whole detox period), but I'm just not willing to let go of tea. It provides so much comfort and fun and whatever. I guess that it seems like keeping tea around is an OK tradeoff.

Anyway, that's it--my detox plan! I'll let you know how it goes.

Living More, Buying Less--July: Eating Out

I know that this isn't any new kind of concept. But I have decided that for this month (and depending on how it all goes, next month and the month after) to give up one thing. I've been reading a book by Mary Carlomagno titled Give It Up!: My Year of Learning to Live Better with Less. And it's not an especially well written book. However, I'm borrowing Carlomagno's idea here. Each month for a year she gives up something that "has a personal and significant 'ouch' factor." She writes that her "selections were designed to push [her] out of [her] traditional comfort zone, where a change in habits would force uneasiness, questions, and finally scrutiny." After discussing consumerism and her need to acquire "stuff," Carlomagno writes "This year of living without forced me to put my habits of accumulation on hold, ultimately giving way to an awareness and enjoyment of the things in life that I was bledded to have and be part of. . . [T]he biggest lesson of all was not about what I had given up, but what I had gained."

And so, with the idea of performing an experiment, I have decided to give up one thing this month, and I've chosen eating out. I'm a little bit nervous about it really. I mean, what will happen when on a Sunday afternoon, I decide that I NEED Chinese take-out? Or what will happen when I miss out on a fun social event because I'm not eating out. But it's only a month, right? I can do this. Well, we'll see how it goes.