Rehab, Retreat, Healing, and Yoga

I know that I've been having this conversation in several forms over the past six month or so with those of you whom I know in "real" life. But over the summer, when we kept hearing these news stories about LiLo and Britt going into rehab, especially that cushy rehab, Promises, in Santa Barbara, I kept thinking that I really, really wanted to go to rehab. Not that I necessarily need rehab. Not that I have a substance abuse problem. But the idea of going away and eating healthy foods and reading nurturing stuff and writing in a journal and being away from the day-to-day-ness for a while, just to focus on wellness, on getting healthier (all with a massage therapist on staff!) sounds like just what I need right now. And so I thought about taking a few days for a yoga retreat at Kripalu, which sounds just divine, for their Retreat and Renewal program. And I keep thinking "retreat and renewal" over and over, as though it's a mantra or some sort. Well, Kripalu isn't going to happen for me any time in the immediate future, although I'm promising myself that I will go, if even for three days, sometime in the next year. But this is what I'm trying to get to: I may not need "rehab," but I do need retreat and renewal, even if it's just yoga practice and journal writing with the perfect cup of tea. But I realize that I need regular retreat and renewal in my life, although I'm still trying to figure out what that might look like. I mean, I keep thinking that I want to devote a block of time each week to activites that will contribute to a sense of retreat and renewal. Maybe I need a mini retreat each day. I'm just thinking out loud here, I guess. But it seems important to get these things out.

The Thursday 13, Special Wednesday Edition

My pal Zee has a super blog. And one thing she does is the "Thursday 13" where she composes a list of some sort. And I think it's great fun. And, using Zee as my inspiration, I've decided to inaugurate my own Thursday 13. I'm so excited, however, that I'm going to start today, Wednesday.

As a side note, I always think it's funny when something devoted to a particular day of the week is moved to another day yet retains the title of the day it was originally scheduled for. For example, we sometimes have Monday Night Football, Special Thursday Night Edition. Or when I was teaching at on of the California State Universities, every fall quarter, we would have one Tuesday near the end of the term when we'd run on a Monday schedule. You wouldn't believe how inconvenient and confusing this was.

I am, by the way, borrowing my topics from Segalove and Velick's List Your Self. And so, here I go:


Qualities I Love About Being Human

1. The ability to create: In Genesis, God as Creator, says "Let us make man in our image." When I teach Genesis in my lit class, students always ask what this means. And I've thought about it a lot. I think it means a lot of things. But I think that, in part, it meas that as God is Creator, we too are creators. And whether we believe in God or not, whether we accept Genesis or not, the creative impulse and ability is clearly something that sets humans apart. In her Artist's Way, Julia Cameron talks about this concept. She says that practicing and exercising our creativity is a way to be more closely connected to the divine.

2. The option to love: Now, I'm convinced that animals, or dogs anyway, can and do love. In some ways, I think that a dog's love is more pure than that of most humans. But I'm not sure that dogs can choose not to love. And let's face it--in humans a dog-like love becomes neurosis. But that's what I'm saying. We, unlike, dogs and in some ways choose love, or not. We can opt out. Or we can love whole-heartedly because we choose to love.

3. The ability to appreciate beauty: I'm most struck by this one when I look at the stars. I'm no astronomer (no astrologer either, for that matter); to me stars are there for the sake of sheer beauty.

4. The ability to read: Sometimes, I feel as though books and the characters I know from them are almost more real than some of the people I encounter in real life. I don't know who I'd be if I weren't a reader.

5. The ability to write: Clearly related to the ability to read, the ability to write is, of course, unique to humans. And I'd go so far to say "I write, therefore I am." Or maybe just, "I write, therefore I know myself." Writing, for me, is the way, the only way, to find out what it is I really, truly think and feel and want. And so I fill up journal after journal--I'm fond of both moleskine notebooks and of cheap, marble covered composition books. I write lists; I fume and say all the things I'd never actually say to anyone; I acknowledge my shame and my hurt; and sometimes I write and write and write until I feel better.

6. Having pets: OK, so this may not be a quality that's specifically tied to being human. But I love, love, love my dogs. When writing doesn't work, I cuddle and skwooze Guinn and especially Polly until I feel better. The thing about dogs is that they love in the ways that dogs love. And they're always glad to see you. And the don't hold grudges. Aside from a parent's love for a child, I think that the love of dogs may be the only unconditional love in this world.

7. Cooking: Yes, I'm a "foodie" at heart. I like planning, preparing, consuming, and even talking about food. And cooking so often feels like a truly, fully creative pursuit to me. Maybe this gets back to #1 somehow.

8. Family: I LOVE my family, and I love that my family is a part of my life, although they are far, far away :( But where would we be without them? How could I have become anything in this world without their love and suport?

9. Friends: Do animals have friends? Certainly they often live in groups, and maybe they feel some sort of companionship. But do they have those go-to friends? The ones we know we can call at midnight if we're in the midst of a crisis? The ones who love us at our best but especially at our worst? The ones that we may not talk with for six months, yet we can always somehow pick up where we left off? I'm thinking of JoyBug and Cort from college and C. from now.

Ok, I was aiming for a Thursday 13. And "Thursday 13" sounds great because it alliterates. But I only came up with nine. But it's a start, a place to go, a foundation upon which to build. Hey, did you notice my effort not to end that sentence with a preposition. Oh hey, here's a tenth:

10. Grammar: Yes, how nerdy, I know. But grammar is infinitely interesting and important in my world.

Back to Normal (or something that resembles it!)

I am happy to say that I am finally feeling back to something that resembles normal. And I don't mean normal for normal people but normal for me, because I have to say that I don't really know what normal to normal people feels like. Anyway, I went to the doctor yesterday for some other "stuff' ("stuff" is code for female problems, if you know what I mean), and she prescribed Xanax for me. Now, I am well aware that there are all kinds of potential problems associated with Xanax, most of them having to do with addiction. And so I'm careful to use it responsibly. But it really does help. And I took a dose yesterday evening. And I felt soooooo relaxed and slept soooo deeply. And when I woke up this morning, it felt as if my entire emotional and psychological system had been rebooted and reset. And I just feel so much better, so much more optimistic in a healthy, realistic kind of way.

It all reminds me that the whole depression / anxiety spiral is so difficult to claw one's way out of. I think that people who've never felt these things maybe can't understand how hard it all is. And I think it's hard in part because in the middle of it all it seems like there's no point in even trying to feel better--everything seems so hopeless. I realize that's distorted thinking, but it just seems so real when one is trapped in it.

But, at least for now, for today, I'm beyond all that ickiness. And I'm Ok, even hopeful. It's like suddenly I have things figured out, or I at least have some things figured out. I've (finally!) come up with a plan, a workable, practical, yummy plan to eat in a healthier way than I had been. And I'm excited to get to be traveling to Calgary next week. And even the Boca burger that I have planned for dinner sounds pretty darn exciting. It's just such a relief to feel capable and able to deal with life again.

So, yet again, this has been another self-indulgent post. But I'm OK with that.

Update

And so, yet again, I've simply not been posting. And I think that it's really somehow beneficial to me to post, to write regularly. There's not much to say. I feel like I work and work, but that's about all I've been up to lately. Oh, I've been watching some CourtTV and lots of Law and Order. But none of that makes for very interesting blogging. I know that my family thinks that I'm a little too into Court TV. But I disagree. If I can get in 10 or 15 minutes every other day, or so, I'm good. And I'm STILL fascinated by the Phil Spector trial. I have promised myself, however, that once the Spector verdict is in (if there's ever a verdict), that I'll kick the trial-watching habit. I guess that, on reflection, I can see why some claim that I'm a little too invested in these big trials. I do have to say that the current O.J. turn of events holds only a little, tiny bit of interest for me. I have no plans of getting all wrapped up in that.

Oh, so has anyone else heard that next month new episodes of Law and Order: Criminal Intent are premiering on USA and then running on NBC? This is what USA's website indicates. And it seems like a strange move to me.

Anyway, enough of this meaningless babble, I suppose. I should, at least, pretend to work.

Little Miss Matched

Ok, my mother called my attention to the Little Miss Matched brand. And their socks are super cool. I totally LOVE the idea of mismatched but still coordinated socks. This is really the greatest stuff--exactly the sort of thing that I like!

Margery Kempe

I've been (re)reading _The Book of Margery Kempe_ for a class I'm teaching. And the text, although not Margery herself, always feels like an old friend. Margery seems to represent so many things, many of them strikingly modern-feeling. And she is, you know, the first autobiography written in English. Or at least, the oldest text we have that's an autobiography. But even this autobiographyness is remarkably complex and interesting. For Margery herself is, apparently, illiterate. And she cannot speak and write to us directly. Rather she speaks to a scribe (probably a series of scribes) and he tells us her story, almost exclusively in the third person. What does it mean, then, that she doesn't have the agency to write her own story? And is it truly autobiography?

Statler and Waldorf

Ok, one last item:

Click here for a montage of Statler and Waldorf clips.

Enjoy!

Some Favorite Jim Henson Inspired Moments

Inspired by C's recent post, I have been thinking about some of my favorite Sesame Street and especially The Muppet Show moments. And although I probably *should* be working, blogging about Jim Henson and company sounds like much more fun right now. First, I absolutely LOVE when Grover sang "The Monster Song." There's something super-fly about Grover in the first place. And I love the line about "The monster in the mirror, he just might be you." Like isn't it great that we can identify with Grover somehow? Now, on to The Muppet Show. And I absolutely love the Muppet Show, love just about everything about it. Who doesn't love "Mahna, Mahna"? Or what about when they do The Village People's "In the Navy"? I love when the Swedish Chef makes chocolate "moose." You "put the chocolate on the moose," you know. I read recently that Fozzie Bear nearly got the axe after the first season of the show, which makes me sad. Fozzie is so great. Ok, enough for my banal trip down memory lane.