So today was it. I was going to plan out my semester, set goals, decide what I wanted and needed to read. Only all of that didn't happen, at least not to the extent that I'd hoped. I woke up with a sinus thing and took Benadryl, so I slept much of the day. And that's not so bad, I guess. And I just want to go to bed now, although it's only5:00ish.
But I did get some goals set, some lists made. I guess I am frustrated that there never seems to be the time to do all I want to do. How am I supposed to work into the day or even the week time to work and read and write and exercise and pray and cook and socialize and do volunteer work? Why can't I find the time for all the things I want to do? I guess this is my perfectionism coming out, isn't it? I always think that I should somehow be able to do more; I require of myself more than I would of other people. I want good enough to be good enough somehow. But that so rarely happens.
So here I sit, feeling like the day was mostly wasted because the weather was too icky to leave the house and because I didn't accomplish all I wanted to. I hate ending the day with this feeling. I want to learn to be satisfied, to say that I did what I could, given the circumstance and to be OK with that, but that is so hard for me. I want to focus on what I did accomplish. I thought about priorities and what I want to do daily and weekly with my time. (I tend to reassess these things often, but especially as a new semester starts.)
It's times like this that I want friends. I want to call A.H. knowing that he'll tell me that I am going enough. He'll remind me that while teaching full-time, I still managed to finish my dissertation. Or I want to call C. who will remind me that I'm like this academic-super-babe who keeps her work going, no matter the dissappointment. Maybe it's good that I simply remind myself of these friends who, I know, believe all these things of me, even when I don't believe them of myself.
Would it be too corny if tomorrow or the next day, I were to post my goals, etc? I always have this thing about wanting to articulate to someone else what it is I'm trying to accomplish, with the idea that if I verbalize it and that someone knows, I'll be more likely to follow through.
But I do follow through with so much. Why must I focus on my shortcomings? Why can't I say, hey, I finished a Ph.D. in the midst of all sorts of personal drama? Or hey, my lift may not be perfect, but every single day (well, most days) I make a difference in the world?
Oh well, don't worry. I'll get over it. Maybe I will call A.H. or C. or even my brother just to hear a friendly voice. That's all I really want. Maybe the bottom line is that I miss being near those people I love the most.
a president, a King
13 years ago
1 comment:
there's a magnet on my whiteboard above my desk that reads: "wherever you are it is your friends who make your world..." (william james) it was given to me by a very good friend before she moved away from me. and most of the time it gets moved around to make room for "stuff" (like my fading purple outline and such) or to mark "important" papers (like my student loan bastards). but sometimes i read it. and it reminds me of just that--while you're out here, over there, in between (in the rabbit hole perhaps) we are still your world, those who love you, are inspired by you, and who believe in you.
(and no, or is it yes?, it's not silly and do post your schedule/goals/stuff you've already checked off your ttd list--it's your blog isn't it?? and it seems like it would be helpful. you'll appreciate that i've started writing my goals on a strawberry shortcake calendar)
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