I'm not sure what it is I need to say just now, only that I need to write something. Have you ever felt like you don't know who you are anymore, that lost feeling? Like you used to be someone definite (or have at least a definite sense of self, or maybe just a persona to project to the world), only that person got lost somewhere along the way? I know I'm not articulating this very well, but recently, I hear myself saying things, even thinking things, and I think, "Is this me? I don't remember being this sort of person, someone who says this sort of thing. When did this happen?"

Sometimes, I wake up in the middle of the night, and for a few moments, I think I'm in Riverside, living where I live there and that I'm still with J. And for those few moments, I'm happy, and I think I know who I am and where my life is headed. But, of course, it all comes crashing down, when I realize that I'm the new me, the post-J me, doubtlessly a sadder-but-wiser-me, a less hopeful me. I can't quite decide if I like this new me. I liked the person I was at 19, the young woman who could see hope, who wanted a future. Now, most of the time, I just try to make it through the day without crying too much.

Oh, and One More Thing

Can I just give a yip of joy that, at long last, leggings are again fashionable? Seriously, this open a whole new vista of interesting fashion possibilities that I would never have thought possible. My current favorite being the fashion possibility of wearing a cute micro-mini over leggings. I mean, I get the fun of a mini without the potential immodesty, not to mention embarrassment, that could result from such a fashion decision. And yes, I love the whole dress-over-leggings-or-jeans-look. It seems fun, interesting, yet totally wearable. So hooray for leggings.

P.S. Bought the cutest knee-highs at Old Navy today. I'll have to take a picture soon. I think that I need to get back on the Sock Project Bandwagon.

Susan Cooper's King of Shadows

Last weekend, I read Cooper's King of Shadows. I think her Dark is Rising sequence is just great, so I was excited about this title. It wasn't as wonderful as I was hoping, but it wasn't bad either. So it's the story of a boy, he's maybe 12, who's playing Puck in a production of A Midsummer Night's Dream in 1999. But one day he wakes up, and it's 1599, but he's still playing Puck. He meets Shakespeare and what-have-you. What I did think was interesting about the book was the way in which Cooper depicts Elizabethan society, specifically the politics surrounding Shakespeare's theatre. Shakespeare and Richard Burbage are shown having to walk a fine line between appearing to support Essex and still really supporting Elizabeth. It just seems to me that this and so many other cultural elements are forgotten in our misguided attempt to present Shakespeare as high culture. Shakespeare was pop culture, and it seems to me so important to think of him that way. He wrote to make money, writing what he believed the people wanted to see, would pay money to see. None of this art for art's sake business. OK, so enough rant. I make no claim to being a Renaissance scholar. Still, Cooper is saying, especially to young people, something important that it seems that we so often forget about Shakespeare.

I know that I've not been blogging much lately. Isn't it silly that I feel like I need to create a specific post to apologize for not posting? Really, I don't know why I've not been posting much. I think actually that it's something that, for the sake of my mental health, I should do more of. I think I've just been distracted by one thing and another. Not that any of it's all that interesting, mind you. I've had plenty going on, but none of it is that exciting to tell about. Mostly, I've been reading a lot. By that, I mean that I've been reading more fun stuff (as opposed to stuff that I see as necessary for work) than I might normally read. Maybe it's that it's the summer. Anyway, I used to try to do at least a quick post on every book that I read. But I haven't been for the last couple of months, and I rather miss it. I think that posting something, anything helps me think through whatever it is that I need to say about whatever I'm reading. So it's certainly something that I want to do more of, especially as the new school year is starting (my fall semester starts on Monday!)

The other thing I haven't been posting about is my ongoing affair with Inspector Morse and 20th century British mystery generally. So I think that maybe, possibly this is my new academic, research interest. If I were all paranoid, I wouldn't let my ideas get out, for fear that someone would steal them. Seriously, I'm suddenly obsessed with 20th century British detective fiction. Specifically, I'm interested in the ways in which Christian and specifically Protestant understandings of human nature allow the detective characters to be effective. I see that, at least for some of the detective characters, especially P.D. James' Adam Dalgleish, their Protestant understanding of man and of the universe generally allows them the insight that they need to somehow crack the case. Dalgleish is my new favorite, BTW. Wanting to work on this as a research project has given me the conveninet excuse to read all this stuff. So I'm thinking this tradition starts not with Holmes but with Chesterton's Father Brown. This is all rather vague right now, but it's an idea that I'm suddenly excited about. Really, I wonder if the 20th century British detective is this modern (and I mean modern, not post-modern) reincarnation of King Arthur and the Grail Knight and all that.

And I do realize that I've posted far too many pictures of John Thaw as Morse already on this blog. I guess that my only response would be that it's my blog and I can do what I want. But that's rather juvenile, isn't it? Clearly, in the absence of a "real" (don't you love the phrase "in a very real sense. . ."???) oh yeah, in the absence of a "real" relationship, I'm compsentating in silly ways. And, you know, I'm OK with that. If anyone was wondering my last "date" with Morse was Sunday night when I watched the "Infernal Serpent" episode.

I just realized, as I signed on, that I haven't posted anything in over two weeks! In case anyone's worried, don't; I'm just fine. I was out of town for a while, and I guess I have just been busy and distracted with one thing and another. I wish I could say that interesting (or at least funny!) developments in my personal life had been sucking up all my time. But alas, no such luck. I guess that puppy dogs and planning for the fall semester is sucking up my time, or maybe it's just a way to pass the time.

Wow, so I wish I had something really interesting to relate, but I don't. Is that sad? Or is it just OK? I don't know. I'm doing well, I think. I've been enjoying and making the most of time off school: staying up late watching movies, sleeping in, soaking in the hot tub. It's nearly enough to make me not want to go back to work. I say that now, but truthfully, time off seems to have the specific effect of making me appreciate having a job to go to, having structure to my day, having something productive to do each day. I thrive on that sort of thing.

I wish I could think of something more exciting to tell you, but I guess I'm just boring these days. Maybe boring isn't so bad, however; at least I'm happy. Well happy-ish.

Why Do Things Have to Be So Complicated?

Why do things have to be so complicated? Why can't iPods work the way I want them to? Why do other people have to be difficult and then hurt my feelings on top of it? Why can't Hugh Laurie really be Dr. House? Why can't I get to sleep at a reasonable hour? Why do I have to feel guilty about setting traps and plotting to kill the rodents that seem to be living in my garage? Why can't I have normal dogs? Why does it sometimes have to be 95 with humidity? Why dosen't anyone understand? Why can't I just be "average" instead of neurotic?

I know these are all kinda silly questions, and I know that what's really going on is that I'm feeling sorry for myself. And I know that so often life doesn't work the way that we think it's supposed to. I don't know. So often, all I want to do is cry, and believe me, I do cry plenty often. I guess the worst part is that I sometimes feel so completely alone.

I'm nearly at the end of my rope, to use an overused metaphor. Or was that a simile? Just kidding, I do know the difference. Really. My boiler needs to be replaced, which means 1) for the time being, I have a very limited hot water supply 2) the boiler has leaked and I may have some water damage in my flooring and 3) I'm going to have to spend lots of money. And I've been dealing with that all day, which is bad enough. But then earlier, I went into the garage, to check the leak from said boiler and, lo and behold, there's this mouse on the other side of the garage peeking his head over a shelf and looking at me. I suspected I had mousy visitors in my garage, but I didn't really want to have to see any of them. I guess I was in denial, which, apparently, isn't just a river in South America. There are about 10-thousand other things that could push me over that line, but I suppose that here isn't the place to go into them. The worst part of it is that all of this makes me wish I were still in California, where boilers aren't an issue. Last night, on Rachael Ray's Tasty Travels, Rachael visited the CA central coast, and when she's in Morro Bay, I'm like, "Hey, I've eaten there." And when she's in San Luis, I'm like, "Hey, I love that place!" And today's my brother's birthday, and I'm sitting here knowing that I'm in Vermont, while the rest of them are going out to dinner. And all I really want is to go home.

And once again, I want to say, "Sucks to your ass-mar."

A New Identity

Hey, so maybe what I need is this new cool, Kung-Fu, on-the-down-low, secret identity, an identity where I'm much cooler than I am in real life. Like wouldn't it be cool if, instead of being a potentially stodgy old-maid English teacher, I were a private eye? That would be kick-ass! And I could follow people around, I don't know, Santa Barbara or wherever, posing as a crocheting whatever, because that's what I do too. And I pick Santa Barbara because that's where Sue Grafton's Kenzie what's-her-name lives.

Or maybe I could be, I don't know, a performance artist of some sort. Becuase I have all these ideas for what I think would make for interesting performance art, and most of them involve inactments of the Grimm's fairy tales, with the intention of removing the pink-Disney-sugar coating of what we call fairy tales. That would be like a cool, underground, alternate life to have.

I found out recently that T., a friend and co-worker of mine, happened to interview at the same small, liberal arts college in Virginia that I interviewed at a couple of years ago. I believe that there's this weird, alternate universe where T. and I are friends but both work at the college in Virginia. Only we're much less happy than we are now at C.

And then, there's this really weird alternate reality, Bizarro World, really, where I used to be married to Huell Howser. But that would be weird enough to warrant its own post.

Writer's Block, Blogging, and Going Sane

Ok, so I've been working through Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way, not for the first time. And I know that lots of you out there are probably familiar with Cameron's work, but I totally recommend this book, more of a program really, to those of us who write or who are feeling the urge to pursue creative kinds of things.

Last night, I read this, and it seems worth repeating. Cameron explains that "A related thing creatives do to avoid being creative is to involve themselves with crazymakers" (44) Crazymakers, she argues, are those people who suck up all our time, emotions, energy and resources so that we remain blocked. I'm convinced that, whether we call them "crazymakers" or not, we've all been involved with these kinds of people somewhere along the way. If we are lucky, we weren't foolish enough to marry them. But Cameron asks why we tend to involve ourselves with these kinds of people: "If crazymakers are that destructive, what are we doing involved with them? The answer, to be brief but brutal, is that we're that crazy ourselves and we are that self-destructive. . . As frightening and abusive as life with a crazymaker is, we find if far less threatening than the challenge of a creative life of our own" (49). And it seems to me that Cameron is so right, and her ideas certainly apply to many of us, not just would-be-creatives.

And so here I sit, blogging again. And I can't remember if the blogging is merely a warm up for my "real" work or if the blogging is part of my "real" work (note the use of real in apostrophes!) or if blogging is the reward. And I like being in the place where the work and the reward get mixed up because it means that the work has become the reward itself and we don't need more. But I'm blogging, in part for the same reasons that I'm reading Cameron; I want a voice and I want to go sane. Cameron says that at first, "going sane feels just like going crazy" (41). But I'm here because I'm trying my hardest to go sane, as difficult as it feels, and I'm working at cutting out the crazymakers and all the other things I sometimes use as excuses for not doing the work that I believe I'm called to be doing. I don't want to have this weird, neurotic sense of identity. I don't want to succumb to being the brooding, lonely, sacrificial-for-her-work type. I want sanity in my life, sanity, order, trust, relaxation.

Last Night's Grey's Anatomy, the Desert Island Game, and Behaving Questionably in College

Ok, so last night, they (here, "they" means ABC, I guess) reran the episode from season one where George gets all bent outta shape because Meredith and Izzy keep walking in on him in the shower. And I really have to take George's side on this one. Seriously, I'm not an overly modest person by nature, but there are limits. But the really cool thing is that Izzy is walking around in Hello Kitty underwear. So here's my confession: I sometimes wear Hello Kitty underwear. I know, I know, this may be a case of TMI; I rather tend towards sharing more than people really want to know. But seriously, this is great, because I can almost pretend that I'm nearly as cool as the chracters on Grey's Anatomy. Now, if only I'd meet my own personal Dr. McDreamy, I'd be set.

And I know this isn't the first time I've mentioned Patrick Dempsey in a post. But I love that he demonstrates that geeky guys (think: Can't Buy Me Love) can grow up to be kinda sexy but still rather geeky guys.

But then, I'm all conflicted about liking Grey's Anatomy. I mean, like Meredith, weren't we all in love with Dr. McDreamy? (Ok, Ok, I know that I throw around the phrase "in love" rather too often. I'm in love with a character on TV; I'm in love with teaposts; I'm in love with pasta with gorgonzola cream sauce; I'm in love with the perfect cuppa.) But then, like Meredith, we find out that he's married. And I hate this, when this happens on TV or in a movie, when they set it up so that you want married character to get together with someone who isn't his or her spouse. In real life, I'd be so not OK with this, but when it's Meredith and McDreamy, I want to see her with him. You don't have to be a psychoanalyst to note that I'm identifying with Meredith here. At the same time, I'm rather shocked and bothered by how promiscuious M's become, especially in season 2. In real life, I'd be pretty not OK with that, but I keep watching the show. I dunno.

"Paging Dr. McDreamy, Paging Dr. McDreamy." If I page long enough, will he show up?

Yes, deciding I'm all gaga over TV characters is all kinda dumdum of me. I know this.

Ok, so who would I rather be stuck on a desert island with: McDreamy, Inspector Morse, or Albert Campion?

When I was in college, my roomate Cort and I used to lie in bed at night giggling as we played what we called The Desert Island game. Our favorite delimma was this: Eric Karros or Mike Piazza? That's a real toss up. So, now I'm all nostalgic for C. and staying up late at night and giggling. Hey C, if you are reading this, do you remember these: "What? Frazer owns Disneyland?" "What? he has legs like Darryl Strawberry?" There were more inside jokes, but I can't remember them any more. Oh, how about this one, "You have all the qualities I'm looking for in a wife"? My mom even still remembers that one. Remember when we were accused of cheating in either OT or NT survey? Remember when we got kicked out of registration by leg-warmer lady because our skirts were deemed to be too short? Remember skipping chapel to meet the gang at Cambridge Coffee House? Oh, here's a good one: do you remember drinking Aftershock, of all the vile things, and "Thanks for coming, guys!" Do you remember when throwing pennies at Stimerman's window seemed like a good idea? Best of all, do you remember when I "went for the triangle" and split someone's lip, which of course grew out of midnight Uno games and "rubine" and, "Hey, you, placenta head!" Remember when Joybug decided that we should call Stinky by his real name because doing so would encourage more mature behavior from him? The weird part was that everytime anyone called him anything besides "Stinky," wouldn't know who was being referred to. Oh, and what about the Big D, the "momager." Wow! life seemed so much simpler back then. Seirously, I'm all teary-eyed now.

This has been a very self-indulgent post; I realize that. But it's made me laugh and cry and realize that I love Cort and Joybug and all the rest.

I'm "Outing" Myself

This announcement is worthy of my super-special-favourite (let's use the "u" in honor of Virginia W. today) pinkish font. I've done it. Per Dr. Phil's and my mother's advice, support, and urging, I've signed up at match.com. Yes, I am officially trolling the internet for prospective whatevers. I feel slightly weird about it, which I shouldn't. So I thought it best to just let the world know that this is who I am right now, today.

Teaposts

Ok, so here's a really great idea, only it's really Dolce Carina's idea, owing to a typo, but I think it's an idea worth exploring: teaposts.

Teaposts are these little roadside (or maybe even in the food court at the mall) tea shops. Maybe they are kinda like Starbuck's sans the Seattle vibe and plus a hip, British vibe. So you go into the teapost, maybe it's like a reststop along the interstate, maybe it's just in your local shopping center. And, obviously, you order a cup of tea. And they bring you this proper cup of tea, with lemon and cream. And it's not that fannings-shit-tea in a stupid tea bag, but it's looseleaf in this great strainer. And they serve it up to you in like a pretty Royal Daulton cup, and you get like your currant scone, or your ginger scone or whatever, and it's like this cool mini-break to break up the drive down the interstate, like the one from LA to San Fran when you are stuck out there in the desert with nothing but the Harris Ranch beef farm to look forward to. Or maybe, because your significant other is in this big hurry (like he can't give up 10 minutes for you to drink your tea--maybe he just doesn't get the significance of tea), you get it to go. And your to go tea still comes with all the fun condiments and what-have-you, and it's served in some pretty to go cup, something non-styrofoam.

We totally need teaposts. And when we are tired of all the things we think we should be doing, we can all meet up at the teapost, naturally with our PTs (personal transcriptionists) in tow, because in case we say anything brilliant at the teapost, we need someone to copy it down.

Wow! Thanks DC for such a brilliant idea.

Toads

Suddenly, my back yard is over run with these tiny, tiny toads. Here's a rather blurry pic of one sitting on my thumb, just to show the scale.

But really, there are toads EVERYWHERE. They are kinda interesting and pretty cute because they are so little. At the same time, it makes me rather nervous, because I worry about stepping on them, or what will happen when the lawn-guy mows, or what it will be like when they become big toads.

My guess is that they are migrating and will only be temporary visitors to my yard, rather than permanent guests.

I'm a Happy Hooker!

I realize that it may seem silly to devote a blog entry to my recent crochet projects, but they just really make me happy right now. I recently purchased the latest in the uber hip knitster Stitch N Bitch series, titled Stitch N Bitch Crochet: The Happy Hooker. While some may find the title in questionable taste, it's a great little book that gives both the basics of crochet and some super cool patterns. I just finished this great little scarf that's a bunch of crocheted flowers crocheted together! Ladies (and this is a serious offer), I love making scarves, and I really don't have need of more, so if you'd like one, let me know. Dolce Carina can tell you that I can crochet a mean (or at least a fashionable) winter time scarf. I keep thinking that I wish I could figure out how to make and SELL scarves. I mean, there has to be some chic little botique out there where hand-made scarves would sell. Or maybe I could have a web site. A friend I work with makes and sells tote bags and other assorted items on web site.

See www.zeebagsvt.com

I mean, I could do this, right? I know I wouldn't get rich, but at least I could spend those long, winter in Vermont evenings creating something that could be of use to others.

Seriously, if anyone wants a scarf, e-mail me. I'm thrilled to make them for friends!

Yummy, Yummy Pasta!

Oh, this is worth reporting! So yesterday, I made this great pasta, and it was so totally easy, thank you Rachael Ray! While the spaghetti (or whatever you want is boiling), you melt some unsalted butter in a pan with a little pepper and some olive oil. Before draining the pasta, you reserve some of the cooking water, then toss the drained pasta in the butter and oil mixture, adding as much of the cooking water as is needed to mositen everything. Finally, you add a handful or two of grated Peccorino-Romano cheese. As Rachael Ray would say, "Yummo!"

I know that some of you out there love me in spite of the fact that I'm a big fan of Rachael Ray, but this recipie was really, really yummy. It was just like really good comfort food, like Mac N Cheese for adults, all buttery and cheesy and yummy. And there was something just really satsifying about eating it, you know?

Summer School

Ok, so maybe I'm just being a big baby here--wouldn't be the first time--but I'm so thankful that this is the last week of summer school. For some reason, I had the misguided idea that teaching summer school would somehow be less stress than teaching during the regular term. I've taught summer school many times before. In fact, last summer was the first summer since I started teaching that I didn't teach at all over the summer. And in the past, it's been a positive experience. The crop of students and the workload has just been different than during the regular academic year. But this summer, the bottom dropped out, I suppose. It's not that summer school has been an inordinate amount of work, because the actual number of hours I spend working seems quite managable, certainly no more than during the regular year. The stress, however, has been nearly overwhelming. Seriously, there were several times last week and the week before when I was concerned that I'd have a panic attack and not be able to teach. Of course, I didn't have a panic attact, not at all, but the anxiety has really been bad. My neck and shoulders have been all tight and uncomfortable for the last ten days. Anyway, all of this to say one thing: I am so thankful that this is the last week. Then, in just a couple more weeks, California, here I come!!!

Virginia Woolf's The Years

Ok, this kind of thing drives me crazy, well, crazier than usual anyway. I'm working on reorganizing my books (and I'm entering them into librarything.com, just because I'm neurotic, I think), and I cannot find my copy of Woolf's The Years. I know I purchased a copy in December or January. And I know that I read it. In fact, I distinctly remember sitting at the coffee shop downtown reading and then calling Dolce Carina and goin on and on about how wonderful it was. I know I own this book! But I can't find it anywhere. And sure, I could buy another copy or whatever. Rationally, I know this isn't that big of a deal, but it's got to be somewhere, right? This kind of thing really bothers me. I wish I could just calm down and be normal, you know?

Student: I don't know why you keep giving me Cs on my essays. You keep saying bring up pacific examples, and I do bring up pacific examples. I don't know how more pacific I can be. Every time you write "be more pacific," and I do be more pacific, but you keep giving me Cs anyway.

Instructor: Would you like to make an appointment so that we can talk about this in more detail and work on improving your work?

Student: I don't know what the point would be. It seems pointless. No matter what I do, and I do be pacific, you keep giving me Cs. It's pointless.

Instructor: So are you saying you don't want to work with me outside of class?

Student: I don't know what the point would be. You give me Cs.

Instructor: The point would be that we'd sit down together, look at all your work, and talk about strategies for improving it.

Student: I brought you my rough draft that one time, and you told me what to do, and I did it. And even the rough draft you said was passing quality, and then you gave me a C anyway.

Instructor: Yes, passing quality. That's what a C means--passing.

Student: I didn't take this class to get a C.

Instructor (to herself): Well, you certainly didn't taken this class in order to learn anything.

A Survey

Ok, I have a question for the group: Do all of you know the difference between the words "specific" and "Pacific"? Because apparently some of my students think they can be used interchangeably. Am I merely expecting too much? I could scream!

Reminder to self: The work is its own reward!

I just ate the most wonderful dinner. I had this great open faced turkey burger with sauteed onion and mushrooms and gorgonzola. It was just really, really wonderful. I get excited about things like really good food.

My other project of the moment is that I'm cataloging all my books on Library Thing, which is this really fun (or maybe it's just fun for compulsive types) web site. As soon as I get things entered, I'll post a link so that you can view my virtual library or whatever. The compulsive part inside me has always wanted to type up little tags with Library of Congress call numbers so that I can organize my books accordingly. I suppose that would be going a bit far, but I just keep thinking of the deep feeling of fulfillment I'd get from such an accomplishment.

What Do I Do?

Sometimes, I wonder and wonder what I do with my time. Today, for instance, I find myself lying on the bed drinking tea, cuddling with my dogs, thinking about Dolce Carina and A.H. who sent me the most encouraging e-mail earlier in the week, and reading Anne Lamott's Bird by Brid, hoping Lamott will inspire me to get off my backside and start writing. When what I know I'm really doing is NOT writing and NOT doing the cleaning that needs to be done and NOT organizing the mess in what I'm calling my office. Only the term "office" implies that work or creativity or something is going on in that space, but it isn't. And I wonder, "What do I do with myself each day?" and, "Why aren't I doing the things that would make me happy and healthy?" and, "Why am I drinking pink sparkling wine with nachos for lunch?" And at that moment, I am afraid I'll fall apart. I think it was the recognition that I'd eaten nothing BUT nachos and cookies for the last 36 hours and there I was eating nachos again, but this time with tepid tea and sparking wine thrown into the mix. So here I am, at least writing something, no matter how innane. But I hope that someone will understand, will understand the picture of me lying on the bed and, oh I forgot to mention that while I'm doing all this other crap the Sci-Fi Channel's Twilight Zone marathon is running rather softly in the background. SIDE NOTE: One thing I LOVE about the Fourth of July holiday is the TV marathons. Currently, I'm trying to decide: Do I do productive things on the Fourth, or do I watch USA's Monk marathon all day long? Sad, isn't it, that I watch so much TV. I didn't used to be this way. But there it is.

It seemed like this rant was in order. If nothing else, I'm being honest about the state I'm in, and that's a good thing. Sometimes this state of things seems pointless, but then I realize, that I'm more relaxed in the last six weeks, since moving really, than I have been in years, quite literally. I suspect that's worth a lot in terms of my overall health and attitude and productivity. So maybe it's OK to spend Sunday afternoon listening to the Twilight Zone and reading and promising myself that tomorrow I will organize my so-called office. Maybe learning to relax is the most valuable thing I could learn just right now.

The Power of Pretend

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the power and the results, really, that seem to come from pretending. Last year, as I was writing my dissertation, a real pain in the backside, my strategy was to go into my office each day, all summer long and pretend to work on my diss for the eight-hour work day. My idea was that if I went in and sat there and pretended for long enough, eventually I'd get so bored that I'd get down to work. And it totally worked! I'd pretend for a while and eventually I'd notice that I'd be getting work done. Since then, I've applied the pretend principle to a number of areas of my life. I'd go to my office and pretend to work on other things, and work would almost magically happen. I have often struggled with insomnia. When I'm tired, I tell myself that I'll get in bed and pretend to sleep. Pretend is good enough. That got rid of some of the pressure to get to sleep. I think only people who have experienced it will understand. But the thing is that eventually sleep just happens.

So recently, I read that if one is in a bad mood or feeling depressed or whatever, the thing to do is to pretend, to act like one is feeling A-OK about life. And it works! When I think I'm in a bad mood, I try to get out of the house and behave as though I'm loving life. Eventually, I forget about the discouragement, and I am loving life. Just today, I had this weird, horrible, awful conflict with a student. During the confrontation, I felt not just irritated and frustrated, as often happens, but actually threatened by this large male specimen yelling at me. I left work feeling oh-so-frustrated. But I came home and decided to pretend. I pretended that I was celebrating. I made myself a fun, light supper. I opened a bottle of this great pink champagne. And I pretended that I was celebrating life and all my successes. And the pretend paid off. Suddenly (and I don't think it was just the alcohol), I felt like I actually had much to celebrate.

More and more, I believe in the power of pretend. I believe that if I behave as though I'm excited and positive about life, I will feel it. And if I pretend that everything will be Ok someday, maybe it will be.

Things (From the Mundane to the Miraculous) for Which I Feel Thankful Today

1. That Ruby was born healthy

2. That the sun is shining

3. My iPod (Still so in love!)

4. Really good dinners

5. Having a job that I enjoy (well, I enjoy it most of the time!)

6. Living in such a wonderful, perfect house

7. Living in such a wonderful, perfect house on such a beautiful piece of property

8. Emma and Lauren

9. Jake, Cheri, and John

10. Mexican food

11. That my parents are actually still married to one another--seems like so many in my generation are the children of divorced parents!

12. Guinnie and Polly

13. Really mindless television

14. Really intelligent television

15. Hugh Laurie

16. Cara, Cortney, Joy, and everyone else I love

17. My physical health

18. Emotional healing

19. The ability to read and write

AND

20. The Beatles

A Newfound Resolve to Blog

Ok, I know that I've not been blogging with any kind of regularity lately. There are, I think, any number of reasons for that, but they really don't matter all that much, so I'll spare you the details. I have, however, resolved to blog more frequently starting now. I rather regret letting it slide the past few weeks, I have to say, in part because I've read such interesting things, and it would be useful to have a record of what I've read and what I've been thinking about it. And maybe I'll come back to it. Let me say this: Anne Lamott is like meeting a new friend. Also, Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking was emotionally difficult to read (it's about the year after her husband of 40 some years dies unexpectedly) but is beautifully written. This just confirms my sense that Didion is a brilliant writer. Also, simply not reading fiction all the time is different for me.

But here I am with my renewed resolve to blog. My goal, as before, is to write at least one entry each day, even if it's a short, mundane entry. The important think, for me, is that I simply keep writing. It's like treading water, in some ways. It doesn't seem to always get me where I want to go, but it at least keeps my head above water until I figure out something better. My secondary goal is to write at least something, even two sentences, about each book-length thing I read. Incidentally, I just started Lamott's Bird by Bird. It seems encouraging. But maybe it's just that I like Lamott's voice as a writer.

I'm also reading Camille Paglia. Paglia, for those of you who don't know her work (and I'm not suggesting that you should) is this crazy, outspoken anti-feminist feminist. And she's got this almost frenetic energy that seems to drive her work. Although I don't necessarily agree with her, I always find her writing insightful. By that, I mean that I feel like I'm learning something or at least having to think. One thing I enjoy about Paglia is that she draws her examples from this wide array of Western culture, citing classical myth, art history, and contemporary pop culture to make one point. She's so sweeping in her range and also in her assertions, and she allows few objections. I'm fascinated by her rhetorical approach as well as her knowledge. I do have to say this, however: I am reading feminist stuff again. I seem to turn to this at uncomfortable, unsettled points in my personal life, although I'm not feeling especially unsettled at the moment. So I don't know what's going on. As far as I'm aware, I'm relatively content. I do start to wonder what's going on when feminism is appealing to me.

And so there it is, the update on what's really important in my life.

Just a Couple More Pics

I really LOVE my deck, but these pictures don't do it justice.

Planters on the Deck

Ok, these aren't the greatest pics, but I'm posting them mostly for the benefit of my mom. These show the planters and the new furniture on my deck. I wish I could take a pic that showed the whole thing, but I can't get it all to fit in a single picture.

I'm having rather a rough time emotionally lately, and the worst part of it is that I feel like it's all my fault yet I'm not fixing it. I am so frustrated, mostly with myself. And my anxiety is pretty bad. I don't know what to do. I'm just so irritated. Relaxing is really hard lately.

I guess the thing is that I don't do all the things each day that I think I'm supposed to do: yoga, pray, meditate, write. And I'm annoyed with myself. Yet I don't seem to do anything about it.

I know, also, that I've fallen behind on correspondence and such. If any of you bother to read this blog anymore, I apologize for not being a better friend. I'm not sure what's going on with me, other than I can't seem to get anything done. But I can't relax either.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Anne Lammot

Just wanted to say real quick that I'm reading Anne Lammot, and she's pretty amazing.

I really promise to blog more often; I need it!

D

"Sucks to your ass-mar"

So I've just been diagnosed with a "reactive airway," which according to my doctor is what "we used to call asthma." Apparently, "asthma" is a relatively broad term, and the medical establishment is trying to be more precise. It's really not all that big of a deal, for the most part. I have this cough that won't go away, but that's about it. And I can use an inhaler to open my air ways. The thing is that the inhaler makes me feel all amped, you know? Like I've had about three too many lattes. So I try not to use it at night.

Sometimes, I lie in bed and cough and can't stop. And all I can think is, "Sucks to your ass-mar." And that just makes me giggle which, in turn, makes me cough even more.

Green Beans

I just ate the yummiest green beans. My digestive system seems all "off" lately, and I've been feeling kinda icky. I attribute it to eating too much fried stuff and carbs. Since moving, all I want is bread, pasta, pizza, and fried sea food--not a very healthy diet. So for the next couple of days, I am only eating fruits, veggies, yogurt, and soy milk. Using EVOO and spices is fine, you know, to season and dress things. But I feel like I just need to eat really natural, cleansing kinds of stuff for a while to get back on track.

So earlier, I just quickly boiled some frozen green beans, just until they were tender, not soft and gushy. I should add that I particularly like green beans prepared just about any way. I felt like Rachel Ray or something though when I tossed them in a little sesame oil, rice vineggar, soy sauce, a tiny bit of onion and garlic powders, and a tiny dash of hot sauce. It was just like yummy, healthy, Asian green beans. Seriously, I've been watching way too much Rachel Ray. But it was divinely good!

House Pics--Interior

These shots aren't very good and don't really do justice to the interior, but here you go anyway. What they don't reflect at all are the cathedral-style ceilings in the living area. The kitchen / dining / living rooms are really one open, kind of great room.

This is the living room. What you can see here is the great window, which has a lovely view. You can also see (just a little) my new furniture.









This is a shot of the kitchen, which is still rather a mess. It's not a huge kitchen, although much bigger than what I had at my last apartment. But it's a great lay out in that the space is all totally usable. The window looks out to a gorgeous back yard.












This is the dining area, which is separated from the kitchen just by a bar. It has a great sliding glass door, as you can see, that opens onto the deck and provides this great view of the back yard. The sliding glass door is nice, as it allows Guinnie and Polly to bask in the sun.












Finally, this pic shows the view from the glass door in the dining area.

House pics--Exterior

Some of these aren't the greatest, as things are still rather disorganized around the place. But this will give you a sense of what it's like and of the projects I've been working on. I think the layout of the pics on this page may end up being kinda wacky--I have trouble with getting them just right!

Here's the front yard and the front side of the house. I just installed the solar lights along the walk way.















This is a shot of the back yard, which is quite spacious. What you can't see here is that there's a great little brook running just behind the trees. I can hear it gurgguling along when I sit in my HOT TUB!








Here's the back yard from another angle. You should note my two tier deck with a large HOT TUB! It's beautiful in the evenings to sit on the deck and listen to the birds and the brook--no city noises really. I've been working on water-sealing the deck the past couple of days

Steven Winwood, Yoga, and Emotional Eating

Here's a confession: once in a while, I enjoy Steve Winwood. There's something about Steven Winwood and George Michael that takes me back to about 8th grade. And I get nostalgic for a world that seemed simpler. However, I'm pretty sure that I'm a better person now. At the very least, I'm more comfortable with myself now, and that counts for a lot.

In addition to writing more, I need to get back on the Yoga wagon. Let me rephrase (in keeping with my work in 10 Days to Self-Esteem. You can say what you like about the concept of "self-esteem," but the book was really helpful): It would be beneficial for me to get back on the Yoga wagon. I want to feel more centered, you know? More in the moment, less of my mind in the elsewhere and "elsewhen." So I'm just articulating this in hopes that if I say it publicly I'll be more likely to follow though. Also, I say it in hopes that I'll have some sort of accountability in the sense that one or two of you will care enough to say, "Hey, D. how's your Yoga practice going?"

The other thing at the moment is emotional eating. I realize that people who have mega-metabolisms and who are not prone to emotional eating just don't get the whole thing. But I do have a tendency to eat for emotional reasons. Lately, I think it's a nesting instinct, since moving. This nesting instinct is not in itself bad. However, eating food I don't need could be destructive. I guess what I mean is that I just want to be more aware of why I'm eating when I am. And really, there are times when other activities would be more healthy than eating, activities like writing, drinking a cup of tea, relaxing, that sort of thing.

All random, I suppose.

Update on the Sock Project

I just realized that since I got busy with end of the semester and moving, not only did I let my writing go, but I also let the Sock Project slide. And it's really too bad, because I think it's one of the best ideas I've had in a long time, certainly better than the time I decided that when my roller-ball pen quit writing I should suck on the end to get the ink flowing.

Well, here's an update. A couple of weeks ago, we had graduation, and naturally we had to wear gowns and the whole regalia thing. Well, I feel pretty silly in all that, and in the past, I'd just pretended I was a student at Hogwarts as a coping mechanism. However, this time, I decided I'd wear pink, stripy knee-highs peeking out under my gown, just to add interest and to set me apart from the rest of the group. A week or so before graduation, I announced this intention to some colleagues, and T. also wore bright red socks for graduation. The effect, however, was somewhat lessened for T., as they were hid beneath his pants and shoes. But I thought I was pretty kick-ass to wear pink socks for graduation. Now I wish I'd taken pictures!

I was quite proud and thought I was certainly the most interesting faculty member that day. That is, I thought I was the most interesting until the next day when I heard that C.P. vomited (yep, hurled, blew chunks, barfed, yawned in technicolor) during the ceremony. That's way more interesting than my socks. Well, easy come, easy go, I guess.

I haven't been writing lately, I know. And there's something inside me that makes me feel like I need to be writing. So I'm renewing my committment to blogging. I figure if I say it publically, then I'm more likely to follow through.

I need to be writing and here, blogging is just the least of it, a warm up, really. I'm afraid I'll loose my sense of self if I let go of writing. I know that this sounds neurotic to those of you who aren't writers, but those of you who know what writing can mean will understand.

Well, more tomorrow, the first day of the rest of my life.

I'll write every day, starting now.

Update

Although I'm still unpacking, I'm all moved! My parents have been here all week, and between moving and visiting with them, I simply haven't had time to post anything. The move went fairly well, thanks mostly to friends and my parents. I'll post more soon. I'll e-mail you my new address soon.

Velouria

Drennan (singing): My Velouria, my Velouria / Even I'll adore you / My Velouria

*sigh* some days life is so perfectly beautiful

I'm just so tired, almost all the time. It's like any little thing tires me out, and the worst part is that it's really difficult to get much of anything done. Here I am with all this grading and packing to do, but all I really can do is sleep. Just taking the dogs out seems to require all the energy I can find, and then I feel like I need to rest for a while. And I'm pretty sure I'm not just lazy, but it's all really frustrating. And I saw the doctor again today; he wants to run more tests of one sort and another. I'm frustrated with not feeling well and frustrated with having to spend time getting all these medical things done. I don't know what to do anymore.

I know that I haven't been posting much lately. I feel absolutely overwhelmed with moving and end of the semester stuff. Really, I feel like if one more thing comes up that I have to do, I could explode (or implode, which is really much more interesting and probably less messy.) Earlier today, I was out doing errands of one sort and other. I went to the bank to make sure that I had the correct amount of money in my checking and savings accounts so that I'm all ready for the big home purchase later this week, and afterwards I planned to go to the grocery store. As I left the bank, I started to feel panicky, and I wasn't sure that I'd be able to make it to the store. I really thought I'd have a panic attack in the grocery store parking lot. But the good thing is that I was able to take a deep breath and talk myself through it all. I'm getting better and better at that. So although it was highly unpleasant, I was able to do it. I have to tell myself things like, "Ok, all I have to do is park the car. That's all I have to do," and once the car's parked, I say, "Ok, now all I have to do is lock the car and walk into the store." I know it sounds crazy, but breaking it into tiny pieces is the only way I can manage when I get panicky.

After the store I came home and made myself a calzone, which was really good, and had a beer, which was even better. FYI, my new favourite is this local organic micro-brew called Wolaver's, and I LOVE their brown ale. It's so tasty! And, really, don't we all need a fav beer? I know that some would say that 2:00 is rather early to start drinking, but I say, "It's 5:00 somewhere!"

Interesting Links:

Ok, TS sent me the following, and I think it's super-cool in that not-quite-goth kind of way:

www.michaelpaulus.com/gallery/character-Skeletons

It's totally worth checking out, in case you ever wondered what, say, Pig Pen looks like below the surface.

Here's another good one from JS:

www.houseoffame.blogspot.com

It's a blog purportedly by Geoffrey Chaucer. And really, what could be more fun than that?

Finally, no one wants to miss out on uber-geek Wil Wheaton of Stand by Me and ST Next Generation fame:

www.wilwheaton.net

If you are really in love with Wil, you can subscribe to his podcasts, apparently. That's going a bit further than I really want to go.

Maybe it's nerdy that I like all this stuff, and I'm fine with that.

Not Quite Myself. . .

I don't really like this phraseology, nor am I sure how accurate it is, but I cannot think of a better way to say it. I just feel not quite like myself lately. I'm not unhappy. I don't feel sick (like I did for a while) or sad or even discontent. I told my mom yesterday that I felt out of sorts, but that doesn't really cover it either. I just feel different, somehow. She said that it seemed to her that I was doing well lately, and I suppose I am in a lot of ways. She suggested that maybe whatever's happened in my life in the past two year or so has in some important way changed who I am, that the important things that happen to us do affect who we are. I agree with that, in theory. I don't know yet if it's applicable to me or not.

A couple of days ago, I told A. that I felt "cut adrift but still floating." Although using U2 lyrics to describe one's emotional state may be cheezy (although you all know that I have the whole thing about thinking all would be well if only there were the perfect song for each moment, the perfect soundtrack for each day), that line, as much as anything, describes what I feel. (I should attribute, I suppose: that line is from "So Cruel," which is not one of U2's better known songs. I'm pretty sure it's on Achtung, Baby.) But I am still floating; I get up each morning and breathe in and out and go to work and do what needs to be done. Inside, I feel unmoored or something. Does that make sense?

The other part of it is (maybe this is just being overly introspective and insecure on my part) that I feel like I used to be this interesting person who did interesting things and read interesting books and had interesting things to say to those who would take the time to listen. Now I feel like maybe I'm just going through the motions and am not nearly as interesting as I used to be. I have no idea why being "interesting" is even so important to me. Is this simply the manifestation of some other insecurity that I'm not acknowledging? I hope not. I have worked and continue to work on becoming a stronger, better, emotionally healthier person. I don't want to be stuck in insecurity any more.

I guess I'm just trying to sort things out. I am allowing for the possibility that maybe I'm just tired and overworked and that once the semester is over and I move this will all take care of itself. I'm also allowing for the possibility that this is simply a symptom of the larger loneliness I feel.

Reflection on Blogging. . .

I just decided that instead of posting silly, obligatory posts, I will only blog when I have something to say, like, "Hey, isn't that Wil Wheaton swell?" or, "Does anyone know a good recipe for strawberry sorbet?" No really, I'm only going to post when there's something I want to say or I'm having that need to write, the psychological, emotional one that makes me feel like I better write NOW or I might implode (which is much more interesting than exploding). I figure I'll just spare myself and all of you having to read some banal thing about how I'm writing because I think I have to and blah, blah, blah.

But the more I think about it and the more I do it, blogging has come to serve this important function in my life. And there are things besides blogging that can do it too; I mean, I write in my journal or e-mail Dolce Carina for some of the same reasons. So I guess that I don't exactly need to blog. Still, it's good for me, like the whole pressure valve thing, if you know what I mean.

Incidentally, with each passing day, I am increasingly confused (or maybe just increasingly honest) about what it is I want from an intimate relationship. Still, I am convinced that I'll know it when I see it. But the weird part about it is that I am OK with being confused; I'm mostly comfortable with it. And that's unlike me. I guess maybe it represents emotional growth that I can be accepting of myself in this way. Still seems weird though. Oops, this whole paragraph is not clearly within the stated focus of this post. I think I'll leave it anyway. It seems important somehow.

The great thing, the empowering thing about blogging is that I'm honest and then all that honesty is just out there. I mean, it's empowering in that I'm, maybe for the first time in my life, saying exactly what I'm thinking and feeling and not worrying about what other people will think, you know? I just say it, and it's there for the world to see. I guess it feels like I'm being totally honest about what I believe and what I'm feeling, and for once, I don't feel the need to apologize for it. I like this. This is reason enough to blog.

So I know this was all pretty random and that most of you aren't too interested, and that's OK too. To me the important thing is not who reads it but simply that I write it.

Da Vinci Nonsense

Ok, so lately, with the film scheduled for release and all, I've read all this crap about Christians all up in arms about the whole daVinci Code deal. And just for the record, here's my 2 cents:

I haven't read the novel, so I guess I don't know much about it. Except this. It's a NOVEL; it's fiction. And I don't think it claims to be anything else. So what's the big deal? I mean do Christians out there really believe that a piece of fiction is going to draw people away from Christ? I recently read someone skwacing (I didn't spell that correctly, did I?) about how it's trying to redefine Christianity. I think that's just a stupid statement. Like it said, it doesn't claim to be theology, does it?

As you can probably see, I'm really not interested in the whole debate. I don't think it's even worthy of a debate. And I wonder whether people really don't have anything bigger to worry about.

Da Vinci Nonsense

Ok, so lately, with the film scheduled for release and all, I've read all this crap about Christians all up in arms about the whole daVinci Code deal. And just for the record, here's my 2 cents:

I haven't read the novel, so I guess I don't know much about it. Except this. It's a NOVEL; it's fiction. And I don't think it claims to be anything else. So what's the big deal? I mean do Christians out there really believe that a piece of fiction is going to draw people away from Christ? I recently read someone skwacing (I didn't spell that correctly, did I?) about how it's trying to redefine Christianity. I think that's just a stupid statement. Like it said, it doesn't claim to be theology, does it?

As you can probably see, I'm really not interested in the whole debate. I don't think it's even worthy of a debate. And I wonder whether people really don't have anything bigger to worry about.

So some days I ask myself what the point og blogging is if it's just some stupid, obligatory post that I'm writing because of some stupid rule that I made for myself. Here I am. And I'm writing because I think I have to write something. And is there a point to that? I don't know. I guess it's a way to say to the world and to myself that hey, I am still here. That was a lame-tastic (lame ass) sentence. Maybe I won't even bother to post this. I'm tired. That's the thing. I'm so often tired lately that it makes it hard to be enthusiastic about much of anything. I pretty much only do what I think I have to do.

Hey, ask me later (maybe not here) why I had to move my blog. Right now, it all seems really dumb, but it'll be pretty funny in six months or so.

Some days, I start to think it's all more than one person is able to deal with, you know? I'm overwhelmed, nearly all the time, by work and tasks to be completed. And I don't know how I'll get it all done. And it feels like all I want is just a little help, or even just support and understanding. And I really, truly think I'm going crazy, or something that feels remarkably like crazy. And just when I think that I really can't do it anymore, I realize that I do have support and understanding. Just when it's nearly unbearable, that's when I get the phone call that reminds me that people do care about me, or the phone call with an offer of help. Or other times, just when it becomes unbearable, all of a sudden the task that seemed insurmountable is taken care of. Maybe this is part of what it means to trust God, that when things really do seem to be more than I can cope with, there's someone there.

Sir Gawain and Perfectionism

I've been grading tests on Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, and as I've been reading the responses, I've been thinking about what the poem seems to say about perfectionism. Forgive me if I've posted something similar before. I suppose that it seems to me that the root of Gawain's failure (or what he perceives as failure, the other characters don't) is his own perfectionism. Gawain finds himself in a situation in which, by his own standards, standards imposed by himself alone, there is no good solution. In this sense, the work even seems to harken forward to postmodernism--the sense that there's no right answer to Gawain's delimma. And yet, the other characters both his adversaries and Arthur's court see him as ultimately successful. He's the only one who perceives himself to be a failure. Although I'm not articulating this very clearly, what I mean to say is that maybe the lesson here is that we perfectionists would do well to remember that humans are not perfect and would do well to see ourselves as other see us.

I don't know; maybe I'm not making a lot of sense. I do know what perfectionism is something that I think about and am affected by far too often.

Ok, so here I am; don't know what to say. I'm behind on just about everything, and I'm panicked. All I really want right now is my dad. Well, dad and a good turkey sandwich. I guess I'm writing because I feel obligated, my daily post and all. Here it is. *sigh* Maybe I'm just tired.

I realize that the following post published three times. Blogger is acting up, so it was either three or none. And it was really too good to waste.

Scene: Family Sunday dinner. Family sits around dining room table, finishing meal.

Teen age son: You know, I think Rachel Ray will be one of those celebrities who dies young, under mysterious circumstances, you know, like Jim Morrison or Marilyn Monroe.

Family looks on, rather agog, as teen age son pushes his chair back from the table.

Teen age son (leans back in chair): But you didn't hear that from me.

Scene: Family Sunday dinner. Family sits around dining room table, finishing meal.

Teen age son: You know, I think Rachel Ray will be one of those celebrities who dies young, under mysterious circumstances, you know, like Jim Morrison or Marilyn Monroe.

Family looks on, rather agog, as teen age son pushes his chair back from the table.

Teen age son (leans back in chair): But you didn't hear that from me.

Scene: Family Sunday dinner. Family sits around dining room table, finishing meal.

Teen age son: You know, I think Rachel Ray will be one of those celebrities who dies young, under mysterious circumstances, you know, like Jim Morrison or Marilyn Monroe.

Family looks on, rather agog, as teen age son pushes his chair back from the table.

Teen age son (leans back in chair): But you didn't hear that from me.

Guinnie, Polly, and Beck

Oddly, Guinever and Polly don't seem to care for Beck. Normally, when I listen to music or watch TV or whatever, they don't seem to pay much attention at all. But they don't like Beck's music, or so it seems. When Beck comes on, they look at the speakers as though they are confused. Polly, who's normally so docile, will actually bark at "Where It's At." It's not like I'm this huge Beck fan, so I guess that this doesn't have to be an issue or anything. Still, I think it's werid and worth noting.

If I were good with photoshop, I'd make a silly picture of the two little dogs barking at and biting Beck. It's just the weirdest thing.

Thoughts on Breakups and Relationships

I've been thinking. I wonder when we allow ourselves to become close to others, truly close, either in friendships or in more intimate relationships, whether we give little bits of ourselves away to those people. It seems to me that we do. Or it seems that I do, anyway. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing, but it does mean that I'm easily hurt. I'm thinking specifically of J, of course. Once we were so close, and even now, he probably knows me better than anyone else does. But we aren't close anymore; we aren't anything anymore, although I love him in a different kind of way and wish him great fulfillment and happiness. It's just that it still feels like there's this part of myself, part of my soul, I suppose, that is still with him. It feels like he has it and I never will again. That sounds like I'm sadder than I actually am. With the loss of a very close relationship, isn't also a potential future and dreamed of happiness that are lost too? I think so. So maybe what I'm feeling is only the loss of what I believed could have been.

I don't know. It's like I am, in some small but significant way, a different person than I was with him. This is not a bad thing, necessarily. I think that, in the end, I'm probably a healthier person, maybe a stronger person. I do think that I have learned something about being content, and I suppose that counts for a lot. Still, it feels like there's this part of me that he has and always will have. And I don't think there's any way around that.

Excuses. . .

I'm tired of excuses, especially from my students. Maybe I'm just getting old and crochety (isn't that a great word???), or maybe I'm just not being very understanding. But it seems that every semester I have a couple of students who explain to me that they are suffering from depression and anxiety and that I can call either their mothers or their therapists to verify this and that they are starting or stopping medication and that if there's any way I can be sympathetic and understanding and simply overlook their absences and missing work, they'd really appreciate it. And normally I try to be kind. I tell them that I, too, suffer with anxiety and that I know how truly terrible it can feel. I tell them that I'm so sorry to hear that things are difficult, which I am, and that I want to do what I can to help them get through this. But the truth is, I'm tired of being understanding and saying the right thing. I wonder if they assume that because I'm a relatively young female that I'll be nurturing and understanding.

What I want to say deep, deep down is something like this: "I'm really sorry that you feel crappy, and believe me, I've been there and I know how it feels. But it's no excuse. It's no excuse for missing class or missing work. I know this because I've gone through some really traumatic things, more difficult than you can imagine. And you know what? I didn't miss class or work. I didn't drop out of life. Even when I felt like I didn't want to ever get out of bed and face the world ever, ever again, even when I was probably suicidal, I just kept showing up. I kept doing all the things I was supposed to be doing, and that was the right thing to do. So if you want my sympathy, fine, you have it. I feel sorry for you. But don't think that gives you license to slack off. I've been where you are, and I know that you need to just keep showing up, even when you feel like you can't. I've done it, and I expect you to, too."

Is this absolutely the wrong response? Because I think it's totally true. And there's a part of me that just wants to say, "Enough with all your excuses. Either keep showing up and doing the work, or drop the class. Either way is fine with me. But don't stay in my class, be a big flake, then expect my sympathy."

The House

I'm in the process of purchasing my first home. Here's a photo of the exterior.

What I Wore Today

As you can see, these are great pink and tangerine and tan argyles! What could be better?

Just One More Update

I am feeling much better, although I'm still very easily exahusted. But I'm feeling back to myself, you know? I'm feeling like I want to write and read and bake muffins and do all the things that make me me. I've been touched by the concern that many of you have expressed, and I so much appreciate it.

Rest assured, that I seem to slowly be coming back to life!

One More Word About Photos

I really am interested in photography. If I thought I could, I would make a living out of it. I suspect that I'm not that talented. I realize that the sock project, as I'm now calling it, does not represent my best work. However, there's something interesting about the challenge of photographing one's self. It sounds narsissistic, but it really isn't. It's just more like a fun game. Someday, when I'm feeling more serious and have given up on the sock project, I'll maybe share some of my more serious work. I never used to think of myself as an artists. But photography is art, right? And then there's my writing. About six months ago it came to me like an epiphany: Hey, I really am a creative person! When I think about these things, I'm happy to be me.

Over the Knee Socks

Let me clarify: I do not assume that all of you are really all that interested in seeing photos of my socks. The sock project is really for my own entertainment. All of a sudden, taking photos of me in socks seemed like a really good idea. And for now, it brings me enjoyment (or at least giggles), so it's worth something.

That said, this particular photo is really of over-the-knee socks. And these are extra special because Carina sent them to me for my birthday. What a great friend! She's maybe the only friend who would realize that, "Hey, pink, striped over-the-knee socks somehow epitomize who Drennan is."

In case you are wondering, yes I do actually wear this stuff out in public. In fact, I wear this sort of thing to work. I know that my not seem all that professional, but why should I let that stop me?

I'm basically quite vain about my appearance, and I'm OK with that. The thing is that I don't want to be beautiful; I know that I'll never be beautiful. But I do want to be interesting looking. And you can't deny that a college professor who wears striped knee-highs is interesting looking.

I'm tired (again!) and headachy and don't know what to write. So here I sit, typing my obligatory daily entry. Only I don't even know what to say. I'm tired; I'm annoyed; I'm frustrated by being tired all the time.

Oh well, maybe more later.

Random: Happiness and Loneliness

All of a sudden, there' so much I want to say. And this makes me excited because if I'm wanting to write, it's like I am feeling like myself again. So here (for my benefit, as much as anything) are my current random observations about what's going on in my head.

Nearly every day, I feel overwhelmingly lonely and deliriously happy by turns, sometimes both at once. Happiness makes me want someone to share it with. And earlier today, I read Dolce Carina's reply to my post awhile back about relationships, and she confirmed that what I want is entirely normal and healthy and possible. And something about that makes me so happy.

I've been thinking today about all the labels I give myself: Christian, teacher, writer, friend, daughter, sister, neurotic, strong, independent, insecure. I wonder; am I merely the sum of all these labels? I wonder which of these is most important. I wonder if anyone will ever appreciate me for all instead of just some of these. But what does it mean that I label myself a writer? I mean, I don't go out telling people, "Hey, I'm a writer," because I don't exactly write professionally. But I do write stuff that moves me along professionally. So maybe I do write professionally sort of. But I know I'm a writer because I need to write in order to live fully. I think that some of you understand that.

Oh here's something else. And this is no exaggeration. Since moving to Vermont, I am moved on a very deep level every day by how beautiful the sky is here. When it's clear, it's a blue I don't remember in California. But when it's cloudy, that's best of all. Each morning on my way to work (it's this lovely, perfect 13-mile commute!), I think, "God, thank you for giving me this beautiful sky." So as corny as this may sound to some,I am so thankful for the sky each day. And the stars are the best of all. I've often thought that there must be a God who loves me simply because of the stars. They seem to serve no purpose; they are just beautiful. What a creative, brilliant, loving God to give us such beauty every day.

And there are all these things, these experiences, that are so full of joy each day (it's those 11 moments), that I am moved to tears (a trite expression, I know). And I think that life, just to breathe and smell and feel, is such an amazing, inexplicably wonderful thing. And I feel perfectly joyful.

But then, almost instantly, I'm aware that I want someone to share it with, that the beauty would be even fuller if only I could communicate (oh, paltry words!) just how much it all is. And that, for me is loneliness. Loneliness is the phone that doesn't ring each evening. Loneliness is the birthday card that doesn't come in the mail. Loneliness is hoping that someone wants to listen to me exult in the start, but no one is there. And I suppose that's part of why I blog. It at least gives me the illusion that I can communicate with someone who cares.

And here's the other thing. I swear that I love my friends more and more each day. Partly, I love some of you because I know that you do read this and that means I'm not alone, even if most of you are far away from me. And then I'm happy again. It's a pendulum, I guess.

My mother has often reminded me that there are to ways to have balance in life: to find rest somewhere in the middle of things or to be like a pendulum moving between extremes. Those are my words, not hers, but that's the general idea. I think that finding rest in the middle is maybe the sanest way to live. But I guess it's just not who I am. I seem to exist at the margins or the extremes or something. I used to fight it, to try to situate myself in the middle, to be quiet and meek and conservative and to follow the rules. But that's just not who I am. And as non-sane as I think moving between extremes may sound, I'm learning to embrace it because it's who I am and because it all adds up to joy in the end.

Can I laugh and cry at the same time? That's how I feel now.

Oh, but I'm here and I'm alive and I feel and I'm writing about it. And this is me. And I like it.

The Cat in the Hat

So I love these sox. And whenever I wear them, I can't decide if I feel like Pippi Longstocking or the Cat in the Hat. But I think they are super fun, especially with Mary Janes, as you see here.

I don't know why, but taking photos of me in fun knee socks seems like just such a good idea! There's something very cheerful about stripey socks.

Dreams

I seem to have a particular talent for remembering my dreams. If I dream about a particular individual, I tend to tell him or her what I've been dreaming. I suspect that others may find this rather disquieting. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to tell someone, "Oh, I had this dream about you last night, and you and I were going on a picnic, when. . ." or whatever.

But here's what I dreamed this morning:

I was in class, and the students were taking a test. There was a group of about six sitting in the back, and they were clearly cheating on the test. Also, they were making quite a lot of noise and disturbing the rest of the group. I asked them to leave the room. But they wouldn't. Naturally, I felt both angry and threatened, so I telephoned public safety for an officer to come and escort them from the room. The public safety officer laughed at me and refused to come to my classroom. He asked me how old I was and tried to tell me I was a student, not the instructor, and as such had no right to throw anyone out. Meanwhile, the students continued their blatant cheating.

What really gets to me about this dream is that the students weren't just vague, generic "students," but actual individuals I have had in class in the past or who are in my classes right now. Also, I really did give test to both my sections this morning.

Does this mean I'm insecure? I'm not sure that I think dreams mean much of anything beyond the possibility of reflecting what's on our minds. But I am suddenly feeling like I need to psychoanalyze myself or something.

BTW, don't be too put off if I should ever telephone or e-mail just to tell you that I dreamed about you last night. I tend to do that.

So, this is going to be a really banal post, I'm afraid. Today, I went back to work. I'm finally feeling a lot better. Well, my symptoms are mostly cleared up, but I still feel tired a lot. In fact, I'm exhausted now. Also, I had an echocardiogram today. I'm still not sure why the doctor ordered that, but I got to hear the different valves, and that was kinda cool. It sounded like a lot of liquid moving around in something kinda squishy, which may very well be what goes on in the human heart. If only matters of the heart were so simple.

I'm tired, and I guess I don't have much to say. But I felt like I should contribute my daily post.

My New Obsession: Knee Sox

Ok, so my new obsession (along with tea, good books, and bubble baths) is now knee socks. This has been coming for some time. I love, love, love wearing cute / funny / quirky knee highs. They are so comfy with a comfortable skirt. And in my opinion, they are perfect for work. And so what I think I should do, as I'm making a concerted effort to wear them more often, is take all kinds of pictures of me (or maybe just my legs) in fun / funny knee socks. Isn't that loads of fun?

So look for pictures of me in interesting socks. In part, I have DC to thank for this obsession.

P.S. I also have a thing for tights in interesting colors and textures.

The Golden Compass, His Dark Materials Book I

I'm reading Philip Pullman's young adult novel The Golden Compass.


I have read the book at least three times before, and I've taught it at least twice before. It is a book that fascinates me, but I can't say the same for the other two in the trilogy, oddly. I guess that I'm here writing just to sorta collect my thoughts on the first portion of the book before we discuss it in class tomorrow morning.

SIDE NOTE: My panic has subsided! I'm drinking chamomile tea and pondering the cool knee socks that Dolce Carina sent me that I plan to wear tomorrow.

Back to Pullman: So he opens with an epigraph from Paradise Lost, and the trilogy becomes this weird response to Paradise Lost and by extension to traditional Christianity. But it's this really strange, unsettling, distasteful, almost adolescent response to Christianity. But that becomes more evident later in the trilogy. Now you may be wondering (sometimes I myself wonder) why I, a professed Christian, am so fascinated by this really weird, juvenile attack on Christianity. Maybe it's because I find the criticisms hard to take seriously. Several years ago at a conference this trilogy came up in a round table discussion of YA fantasy, and I remember one participant saying that Pullman comes off like a teen ager who has decided that God doesn't exist and is angry at God for not existing. And I think that observation gets at what it is about Pullman's critique that strikes me as groundless, silly, and even adolescent in nature.

At the same time, I find this first installment in the trilogy fascinating. I suppose that one thing that is interesting about it is the way in which the conventions of fantasy as a genre seem to be questioned. But then maybe not. WARNING: THIS POST WILL BECOME A PLOT SPOILER, SO STOP READING NOW IF YOU ARE SO INCLINED!!! Really, Lyra, the heroine, discovers by the end of the novel that the people she's been idolizing are really her biological parents. But THEN she discovers that both biological mother and father are the real villians of the piece; it really hearkens back to "I'm your father, Luke!" But that's troubling. Maybe this is the larger issue: in Pullman's world good and evil, right and wrong are never clear-cut. Some would argue that this is realistic. But it's so unlike the way that fantasy typically works. This is interesting.

Pullman writes, in this particular novel, of a world that is different from ours, yet very like ours in this way. I keep meaning to ask my physicist friend about all this, but apparently there's some theory (maybe part of quantum physics?????) that there are these alternate worlds out there, one created each time a major historical event happens. Only in the alternate world, it happened the other way. And so, horror of horrors, I suppose there's some world where Hiltler lived and dominated the Western world. In the case of The Golden Compass, it seems that Lyra's world is a world in which the Protestant Reformation deviated from what we know. This seems to be this historical point of departure. Again, this fascinates me. I say that the Reformation seems to be the separating point because there is a reference to trouble which began when "Pope John Calvin" moved the papal seat from Rome to Geneva. SIDE NOTE: John Dee is also mentioned along the way; I am always on the lookout for references to Dee.

I don't know what to make of this novel. How can I so much enjoy something that so overtly attacks what I really believe in and trust and love? I suppose it's because that Pullman is critiquing a version of Christianity that, really, is unlike the Christianity to which I hold. Maybe that's my way of justifying my interest in this novel.

So I've written all this and haven't even gotten to the most ineresting, engagin thing about Lyra's world--the presence of daemons. Each human is attached to an animal daemon, which is rather like a soul, a conscience, and a familiar all rolled into one. Humans are constantly with their animal daemons, who are physically present, and they communicate with them. Daemons work to structure the development of the characters, and here is Pullman's particular genius. This is really interesting to read about.

Oh, I've not really said all I've wanted to, and I'm not sure that I've clarified my ideas at all. But just writing through some of these things is helpful. I don't really assume that any of you really want to read all of this; I write it for myself. And it is useful to me.

Panic!

For some reason, I'm feeling really panicky for the last two hours. I went to church, went out to lunch, came home, took a very brief nap, did my taxes. And all of a sudden I felt panicky. When that happens, I worry that it will become this weird, full panic attack, so I try to take measures to prevent that from happening. Usually, it's helpful if I can telephone someone I trust and say that I'm feeling panicky and talk for 15 minutes until I get distracted enough to feel normal. That seems to work. But today, there wasn't really anyone I felt like I could call; I would have tried my mom but figured she was busy with church and family stuff. So that line of defense was out. The other big line of defense is to take drugs!!! Now wait, I know that taking pills just to stop panicking may seem to you like a bad / unhealthy / crazy thing to do. If that's what you think, I don't blame you. I used to think that way too. But about four years ago, my medical doctor convinced me to try meds for my anxiety. I don't have to take them all the time, just when I feel a panic episode coming on. Apparently, this is good because it gives me the illusion of being in control. I've had therapists and medical professionals over the years encourage me to take my meds more freely. The thing is that there is a potential for addiction, so I try to be really careful and only use meds when I feel like I need them. But they tell me I can and maybe should use them more often. So when I realized that there wasn't anyone to phone, I did take a Xanax, my current med of choice. But it hasn't kicked in the way I'd hoped. So here I am, blogging about my anxiety. I've found in the past that trying to describe my symptoms and how I'm feeling to another person, someone I trust, has been helpful in working through the anxiety. I know that it's only a feeling, yet it feels very real in the middle of it. And talking seems to help. There's no one to talk to, so this seemed like a reasonable alternative.

So there we go; I'm out of the closet about anxiety and panic attacks. Most of you already know all this about me anyway. I'm thankful that I no longer feel as though I have to hide it. I've also accepted that however unpleasant anxiety and panic feel, it all doesn't mean that I'm defective. I used to feel defective. Nor do I think it means that I'm not trusting God, a diagnosis that some have given.

Sometimes, I'm just going through my day, and things are going fine, and out of what seems to be nowhere, panic strikes. The good news is that I have learned in the last year or so to manage it much, much better than I used to.

I'm starting to bee some better. It's taken long enough. Still, this morning I went out to do some simple, enjoyable errands, and after about and hour and 20 minutes, I felt like I had to come home and take a nap. Is being old like this, I wonder.

I did want to say that I'm reading this Margaret Atwood novel, Life Before Man, that's really interesting. It's about a love triangle, but the interesting part is that it's told from the perspective of all three participants. I think Atwood is really quite a good writer, and I checked out a couple more of her novels from the library today during my excursion.

There's more I want to say about Atwood, about buying a home, about relationships in general, about Polly and Guinn, and I suppose I'll get to it when I get time and energy enough.

Relationships

So, I've been thinking a lot about what I'm looking for in a "relationship" and whether I really even want one or not. Is it way too personal to post that kind of thing in what is ostensibly a public forum? Probably, but when have I let that stop me before?

So I think that I do want to get married someday, provided that I meet just the right person. And that's seeming increasinly unlikely, as I'm looking for a rather unusual combination of qualities / characteristics. Some might say that I should try to be more open-minded. But I can't help the things that are important to me, even if they seem silly or minor to someone else.

A couple of years ago, a friend introduced me to a man that she thought might hold "relationship" potential. She was trying to make conversation with us, and she says to him, "So B., what kinds of books do you like to read?" knowing that I'm very bookish. He said, "Oh, I don't read much at all; reading puts me right to sleep." And he really seemed nice, intelligent, accomplished, physically attractive, had a very good job. But I was immediately put off by that comment. And that was really the end of that. Am I silly for discounting someone just because he hates reading? I just can't imagine spending each evening trying to make conversation with someone who doesn't read.

All I want is someone who will occasionally make me a cup of tea, read me John Donne's poetry, and go to church with me. Well, that's not ALL I want. But it's a start. Is that asking so much? Oh, and someone who will take my car in to get the oil changed for me. And in exchange, I'm willing to cook and do laundry and all that domestic stuff. Really, in spite of my career aspirations, I like domestic things. I love the idea of creating a comfy, homey space. Maybe I do have an inner homemaker.

I'm delirious, I know, so maybe none of this makes sense, but it's what I needed to say right now.

I went to the doctor again today--my ear is bothering me again. But here's the really great thing about it. After prescribing a nasal spray to help open up my ear, the doctor also prescribed a mystery writer that he thought I'd enjoy! Isn't that crazy? So I'm supposed to check out Margaret Truman, who is apparently the daughter of the former President.

I know this sounds weird, but I think I have the most kick-ass medical doctor. Sometimes, I wish we could just hang out even when I wasn't feeling sick.

So I'm still sick. And I'm supposed to be in Atlanta at a conference with Dolce Carina, but I was too sick. And I'm fed up with being sick. I know that my health is generally good, so I shouldn't complain, but I'm convinced that some of my symptoms are worse than they were two days ago. The truth is that I'm really starting to worry. Maybe that's really my real, real problem: that I'm a worrier.

On the bright side, it's nice to have an excuse to take it easy and lie in bed (I still have trouble with lie / lay; I mean I have to think about them whenever I write them) and read and watch DVDs. That's kinda nice. And all I really feel like eating is Mac and Cheese; Carina knows my deep, deep love for Mac and Cheese. sigh! I really wish I were with her today.

Oh, so I got all into House MD and watched the first season on DVD, and it was great and all that. But now it's over and the second season isn't out yet, and I don't get it on regular television. And all that to say that I'm having House withdrawals, on top of whatever else.

So there's my update. I'm not my usual thoughtful self. Sick does that to me, I suppose.

Carina, if you read this, know that I miss you today! And I love you lots!

Ok, I am still really sick. Most of you know this because I've e-mailed or called to tell you just how miserable I am. What I've been reminded of during this bout with a rather unpleasant virus is that I'm really bad at being sick. No kidding! I quickly get frustrated and irritable at not being able to do all the things I think need to be done. I really don't know what I'd do if I had some really debilitating, chronic illness. Seriously. I haven't been able to live at the pace to which I am accustomed for 12 days now (yes, I'm counting), and it's really getting to me. Part of me feels like I really need to practice yoga, and I just feel like I can't. I can barely walk up a flight of stairs without having to sit down and rest afterwards. I'm not exaggerating. And I haven't been writing, not anything. That always seems to lead to this weird, disconnected mental and emotional state for me. And that's what I'm feeling--disconnected--in addition to the physical discomfort. For the past week or so, I feel like I've lost myself somehow. I know that sounds really silly. I know that part of the difficulty is that while I was sick my family was visiting from out of town, and I tried to keep up with them as best I could. And I know that that probably just wore me down even further. And I haven't been taking very good care of myself. I haven't been eating very well, for example. I can barely make myself a cup of tea, much less dinner. I know I'm just complaining. But even with being sick, I want to get back on track somehow, and I just don't know if I can. I have so little engergy. Even the smallest task makes me unduly exhausted. (BTW, the doctor did test me for mono, and I was negative. I live in fear of catching mono and being out of everything for two months.) I sorta want to get things done and work and read and be more introspective, all the things that make me, me and make me feel balanced. But all I feel I can handle is sitting on the couch for a couple of hours, then taking a nap. This sort of thing makes me thankful for good health.

Breaking News!

Ok, so that title was a bit misleading. What I did want to say is that I know that I've somehow fallen behind on my mission to blog each day. Here's the thing: I'm really, really sick. And I'm just not getting better somehow. I guess there's more to it than just that. Last night my family left; they'd been visiting me from out of town. So I was busy and occupied with them. But mostly, I am really sick.