Insomnia / Anxiety

I don't know why I feel the need to post this, but there is something comforting about the thought of documenting what I'm thinking and feeling, so here goes. . .

You know the soy latte I promised myself several posts and several hours ago? Well, it turned into a near-fatal decision, let me tell you. I made myself the latte, which seemed like a good idea at the time. But now I'm wanting to start at least thinking about bed time, but I'm all like "Brrrrr." I don't know how else to say it. I can feel the insomnia creeping up on me, and that is making me anxious and panicky. So here I am, on the verge of panic, all because I'm worried that I won't sleep well--another of those self-fulfilling prophecy thingys. I've read recently that insomnia is really about fear that one won't be able to sleep, and that makes sense to me. Again, here I am thinking, "Ok, so I have a big day tomorrow, and what will I do if I can't get at least 7 good hours of sleep? What will happen to me then because I'm going to have to be at work for at least 11 hours tomorrow. Crap! I need to get to sleep right now. If only I can get to sleep within the next hour, it'll be OK." And on and on like that. And I start to worry, although I know it's counter productive, and I'm working myself up into this state of panic. And I feel really stupid about it all, but I don't know how to stop either.

And there's the other kind of insomnia, not the trouble with getting asleep, but the trouble with staying asleep. Therapists tell me that this has to do with dream activity. I guess I get to sleep OK sometimes, but apparently, I dream things that are upsetting somehow, so there it is 2:00am, and I'm wide awake. And I toss and turn for a hour or more. I really hate that. When it happens at, say, midnight, it's a little better because then there's at least stuff on TV, but the one channel I get is off the air for a couple of hours, until 5:30. That I even know this is a testament to my sleep issues. Anyhow, I hate all that. I just want to sleep like a normal person.

Why can't I be normal?