Thursday Thirteen: Words, words, words

I think a fun "13" is 13 expressions that I really enjoy. I don't incorporate these into my everyday speech as much as I'd like, but they are fun ones!

1. If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.

2. Don't know shit from shinola / Don't know his ass from a hole in the ground. For those of you with a less rednecky background than I have, this one refers to someone who isn't too bright (the lights are on, but no one's home), doesn't get it, or maybe is just generally dumb.

3. No great shakes. I also like "two shakes," as in, "I'll be there in two shakes of a lamb's tail." Really, anything with "shakes" works for me.

4. Different points to be made. So that's a David Brent one.

5. But I am COLD. That's a Guinnie one, and as such it maybe doesn't qualify as an expression. But it's fun all the same.

6. Take off you hoser.

7. Rudesby.

8. "You're walkin' on the fightin' side of me." That's a Merle Haggard one.

9. It's a long ol' road that don't turn. Apparently, this means the same thing as "What goes around, comes around." I never quite get it, but for entirely personal reasons, I like it.

10. "In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." If you don't know where that one's from, then I'm not going to tell you. But in a very simplistic way, I think it sums up my life's philosophy.

11. "If I fake it, I don't really have it. . . same with cardiac arrest." Also memorable are, "baby steps" and "There are two types of people in this world, those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't." Oh and then there's "Your death therapy saved me, you genius!"

12. "Hi, you've reached Drennan. I'm emotionally unavaliable right now, but if you leave a message. . . "

AND (drum roll)

13. Context is all / context is everything / context is king.

Oh, a couple of post-scripts:

A. "Well, there's always beer"
B. "It's five o'clock somewhere"
C. I don't drink candy-ass-girly drinks.

Odd, isn't it, that those are all alcohol themed?

If you feel so inclined, please contribute your own in the comments section!

Tamra Barney

I have real reservations about posting this. And I'm going to type, but I may end up not putting it out there for the world to see, not that soooooo many people actually read this. But Tamra Barney is the most infuriating person that I've never met. And I know it's catty of me to slander her via the internet, but by pursuing a gig in reality TV, isn't she opening herself up for public comment? Here's the thing that gets to me: in the Housewives of Orange County, at least so far, Tamra is all hung up about the fact that she's nearly 40; additionally, she makes it clear that how she looks is one of the most important things in her life. She says, in fact, that one of her biggest goals right now is looking as good as she can. And, yeah, she looks good. She's exceptionally well groomed; she has a great body; I guess she dresses cute, although her style is a bit skanky for my taste. But I think it's sad that this seems to be what she lives for, that how she looks is such an important thing to her. I mean, what she'll have to discover some day is that, like all of her, she's lost her looks. It happens to all of us; I certainly struggle with my looks and my weight and trying to figure out how much of my identity is tied to how I look. But the bottom line is that I know that how I look is not nearly as important as what I believe and how I treat others and who I love and what I think. And it seems so sad to me when people put their looks ahead of all that other stuff.

OK, the other thing that bugs me about Tamra (and she, in my mind, is simply the stand-in for this larger tendency) is that she seems to think getting drunk is sooooo cute. I certainly imbibe on occasion. And yes, there have been times when I've drunk a little too much. But I don't think it's cute or cool or fun. And I certainly don't walk around saying, "Woo hoo! I'm gonna get drunk this weekend, and it's gonna be sooooo great!" I don't get it. I mean, I understand 20 year olds who have that attitude, but shouldn't we have outgrown it by the time we reach 40? I guess Tamra missed that memo. Or maybe her development was somehow arrested when she got preggers at 18. Getting drunk is not funny, Tamra. Nor does anyone think you are cool because of the way you party.

I know that all of this is mean and catty and probably unwarranted. I realize that my attitude here is fairly unbecoming. And yet, it's just hard to let these things slide. My mother pointed out earlier that no one's making me watch The Real Housewives. And she's right. No one makes me TiVo (I love that we can use TiVo as a verb!) it and watch it at my convenience. No one makes me stop and rewind all the really juicy parts. No one makes me get all self-righteous, and I realize that, at least partly, that's what it is.

Thursday Thirteen, Thanksgiving Style!

Yes, it's Thanksgiving, and it seems apt to list the things for which I am thankful, especially on this day. And as I sit here, already mentally putting together my list, it strikes me that I so often whine, complain, feel put upon, and am generally depressed; focusing on what I'm truly, truly thankful for seems therapeutic, something I should do more frequently. So here goes. . .

1. My brothers: I cannot imagine my life or even myself without Jake and John. They, probably more than anyone else, have taught me to see life from a variety of perspectives. By simply being who they are, they've helped me to think in new ways. And I'm convinced that without the two of them, I'd be a different, less happy, less interesting person.

2. My parents: I guess they aren't prefect, but they are pretty darn great, as far as mothers and fathers go. I'm convinced that I'm annoying and demanding of attention as a daughter, even as an adult. And yet, they never treat me like I'm all those things. And I miss them and all my family today, because even more so than Christmas, Thanksgiving, when I was a child, was a the time that we spent together as an extended family.

3. My extended family: This one's huge. First, I'm thankful that I've been blessed with wonderful, interesting, supportive grandparents. I'm thankful that, even at 32, all my grandparents are still alive and are a part of my life. Even now, when I phone my grandfather, he makes me feel like the most wonderful, important person in the world. I'm also thankful, especially today, for my cousins J. and M. Thanksgiving was always a time that I spent with them, sometimes, as we got older, the only time of year that I could count on spending with them. And I have all these great memories associated with J. and M. and Thanksgiving, all kinds of inside jokes. And I miss them especially today.

4. Guinnie and Polly: I'd be so, so, so lonely without dogs to come home to. I'm convinced that a dog's love may be the only truly unconditional love that we experience. And in humans, a doggy love would seem kinda pathetic, maybe even neurotic. But it dogs it's just delightful.

5. Literacy: Seriously, I'm daily, daily thankful for the ability to read and write. I cannot imagine existence without reading.

6. Friends: I'm thinking here of all of you whom I can call for no reason at all. And you know who you are. I'm thinking of the kinds of friends that I might not talk with for months, and yet we can always pick right up where we left off. I'm thinking of the kinds of friends who've seen me at my worst and love me anyway, probably see good in me anyway.

7. Creativity: Maybe "creativity" isn't the best term for what I mean, but I don't know what else to term it. I'm thankful for imagination, the ability to create and engage in creative activities. When I'm really down, this is one thing that makes me feel half-human again.

8. Food: Is it bad that food is something I'm thankful for? I don't just mean that, unlike so much of the world, I have enough to eat. I mean that I'm really thankful that I can think about food and plan meals and cook and enjoy eating and sharing food with friends. And, yes, I do have the whole emotional eating problem; there's no doubt about it. Food becomes a solace when I'm anxious or lonely. And this, I know, isn't so healthy. But in a way that I'm totally OK with, food is this fabulous, interesting part of life.

9. A House: Yes, I'm thankful to have shelter. But I have more than just shelter in mind here. I'm thankful for a warm, cozy house that feels like home. Living in my own house, rather than a rental, feels so grown up. And it's not a huge home, but it's absolutely perfect for me. As Goldilocks would say, it's just right.

10. Being born in the United States: It feels somehow cheezy to say it. But I'm thankful to have been born into a society where women have options and freedoms not afforded them elsewhere. I would say that I'm not a particularly patriotic person, but I am thankful for all the privileges that I enjoy, simply by virtue of having been born into a particular place at a particular time.

11. My job: I know, I often complain about it. And my complaints are mostly about my salary. But the job itself, what I do each day is wonderful and fulfilling and what I believe I am meant to be doing, at least for now.

12. Health: I'm thankful for my physical and emotional health. And although I have occasional, minor health problems--depression, allergies, migraines--I'm generally healthy. Health seems to me to be something that we take for granted until we are laid up by the flu (or something worse!) for 48 hours, or so, and then, suddenly, we realize the miracle of health.

13. Boots!: Ok, in the grand scheme of things, I know that footwear isn't maybe such a big deal, unless one doesn't have footwear. But I just love, love, love boots. And when I wear them, they truly bring me great satisfaction and even joy.

I could add to this list, surely. And I should state that these are in no particular order, so don't be offended if you are a friend and you were listed after the dogs and literacy.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night!

TUESDAY 13--13 Things I Love / Hate About Vermont

I've been thinking and thinking about why it is I'm staying in Vermont. I know how I ended up here, but I'm not sure how long I want to stay. And in the process, I've been considering what it is I really like about Vermont and what really kinda bothers me. I don't know if I'll get to 13, but here goes. . .

1. Hate: Winter. I'm just not cut out for North-East winters, of that I'm certain. It snowed today, the first snow that's stuck. And the roads were slick. And I wasn't able to go to work. And it's just really inconvenient and really cold. And I'm not sure I want to deal with four or five more months of this.

2. Hate: the Vermonter style. It's like everyone dresses in jeans and sweaters from LL Bean. And I think that LL Bean is great for lots of things. But I can feel myself slowing slipping into a Vermonter kind of style. And I don't like that. I want to feel comfortable wearing cute, fun, funky fashion. And it somehow doesn't seem to work for me in Vermont. And I'm tired of jeans and boring, although functional, sweaters.

3. Hate: Missing friends and family. I've made only a very few friends since I moved here, over three years ago. And it's increasingly distressing and discouraging. It's icky to feel like I have so few people in my life who care about me.

4. Hate: No Target. Seriously, the shopping here sucks. When I first moved here, there was at least a Gap. And that felt like my shopping salvation. However, nearly two years ago, it closed, while an Old Navy opened. I've tried, but I just can't get with Old Navy, not really. But the worst part is that there's no Target, not in the whole darn state.

5. Hate: No real coffee house. I didn't realize how much I'd miss the little, funky local coffee shop where I could hang out, read, grade papers, whatever. I'd even settle for a Starbucks. But alas--the nearest is like an hour's drive away.

6. Hate: No Borders / Barnes and Noble. These normally contain a coffee lounge--see number 5 above. But the mega-bookstore, possibly my favorite thing about corporate America and globalization and all those things that we're supposed to hate and fear, is nonexistent in R-town. And although there are rumors that a B and N is supposed to open (along with a Taco Bell, yummo!), I am doubtful. It feels like living in the Hinterland, without the conveniences of civilization.

7. Love: The winters. Ok, so I know that winter was a "hate" above. And it's a "hate" and a "love" all at the same time. You see, there's something about winter that makes me want to nest and make soup and read during those long, long nights. And that's positively divine. And, I don't know, the nesting and being all cozy indoors makes me want to pursue creative things. When I'm creating regularly, I think I'm more content with all aspects of my life.

8. Hate: Feeling detached, especially from a church. Ok, I get that this is, partly, my own decision and a result of my own behavior and doesn't necessarily have anything to do with Vermont, per say. (Side note: Because it seems funny, I'm trying to work "per say" into my conversation more frequently.) Still, the sense of being an "unjoined person" plagues me. And I'm longing for connection to something larger than myself while being ashamed of my failure to find a church. But part of the problem is that there's no church in the immediate area that is right for me. And so instead of driving far each Sunday or settling for a "good enough," I just avoid the whole question. And it just bothers me.

Ok, so I only got to 8, but that's OK. And significantly, there are more "hates" than "loves." That's food for thought, as they say.

One More Thing. . .

Ok, so sometimes, I just want to say that boys suck. And I don't know--this public forum probably isn't the place to name names. But they just make me mad.

Lauri's Fiance George

One more thing about the Housewives of OC. Why doesn't Lauri do something about George's hair. Recently, I read that someone compared it to Billy Ray Cyrus's hair when he was sill doing "Achy, Breaky Heart."

More Reality TV: The Real Housewives of Orange County

Some of you know that I watch, with a near religious fervor, The Real Housewives of Orange County. Some of you also know that I really enjoy trash talking the Housewives. And, at least until this new season, it wasn't really any of the individual Housewives, with the exception of Jo de la Rosa, who really bugged me; it was more the whole thing. You know, the whole I'm-cool-because-I'm-from-OC, or the I'm-poor-because-I-live-in-a-townhouse-in-Ladera, or the I'm-hot-because-I've-been-to-the-Playboy-mansion thing that bugged me. However, I can definitely say that the new "Housewife," Tamra Barney is a different story. She's like white trash with too much money. On the most recent installment, she has her Bunco-playing girlfriends over for Bunco night, which I guess is fine. But then she gets wasted on Jell-o shots. Can you get any trashier than that? Oh wait, her 21-year-old son with "Forever Grateful" tattooed across his chest (yes, he got it done for Mother's Day, because he's so grateful to his mom) is possibly trashier than she is. No, I'm not making any of this up. I just checked out her MySpace page--puke! Her husband leaves tons of messages telling her how hot she is. Oh, on the TV program, she says that one of her biggest goals right now is looking as good as she can. Seriously, does anyone else see anything wrong with this? You can call me a "hater," if you like; I don't care.

The real pressing question is this: is the term "housewife" being used ironically in the title of this program? Seriously.

If I Weren't Afraid, Number 11. . .This One's for Zee

Ok, an addendum to yesterday's Thursday 13.

11. If I weren't afraid, yes, I'd write. I'd make it a priority. I'd write regularly. I'd pursue the children's books and the short stories and maybe even the novels that are floating around in my brain. I'd write and write and write. And I'd believe that it wouldn't matter if I never was published; I'd believe that writing for its own sake it the important thing. I'd bravely, fully write my soul.

Kim Kardashian, Reality TV, and Playboy. . .

Ok, this has been bugging me the last couple of days. . . Is Playboy magazine just considered mainstream and socially acceptable? Is it not considered porn anymore? Or is it still considered porn and perfectly acceptable, anyway? So here's where this all is coming from, and I am prefacing this rant with the admission, a somewhat sheepish one, that I watch all that really bad E! and Bravo reality programming, including Keeping up with the Kardashians, The Real Housewives of Orange County, and yes, even The Girls Next Door. And just for the record, I have real objections to The Girls Next Door; I find it offensive on so many levels, and yet I watch it anyway. And I fully realize that by watching what I call "trashy TV" in the form of these offensive and even exploitive reality programs, I am contributing to the problem by simply being a consumer of this kind of thing. So here's the thing. . .

In the last two weeks or so, I've noticed that E! News and other entertainment news programs have been talking up Kim Kardashian's pictorial in Playboy, which is apparently available on newsstands now, or so says Ryan Seacrest. But here's the thing: is Playboy so mainstream, so socially acceptable that Ryan Seacrest sends us all out to buy it? The answer, it seems, is yes. This is so troubling for so many reasons. I am, partly for personal reasons, particularly opposed to pornography and tend to be overly sensitive to it. But it seems to me that, say, even 10 years ago, if people bought Playboy, they kept it on the DL. There was some sense of shame, a sense that there's some sort of social impropriety, or something, about it.

Anyway, I just watched the most recent episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, the one in which Kris Jenner, AKA Mamma K, encourages her daughter Kim to pose for Playboy. Here's what really bugged me about it. (And I realize that so-called reality TV is often edited in such a way that the reality of the situation may be obscured and misrepresented, but still. . .) Initially, Kim has hesitations about posing for Playboy; Mamma K encourages her to do it. Kim agrees to pose, but makes it very clear that she'll do lingerie shots but is uncomfortable with nudity. At the photo shoot, the photographers want her to take her top off. Kim won't do it. Mamma K encourages her to at least consider it. Hef phones for a second shoot. Mamma K and Kim meet with Hef. Hef says he wants a spread of Kim totally naked. Kim says she doesn't know if she wants to. Mamma K encourages it. So who does this to their daughter? What kind of mother encourages her daughter to get naked for Playboy? Seriously, Mamma K is pimping out her daughter, much to this dismay of Bruce Jenner, Mamma K's husband. Does anyone else have a problem with this? By the way, mom if you are reading this, thanks for not pimping me out like that, not that I have the body for it, but that's not the issue. Oh, and I just don't buy the argument that Playboy is tasteful and therefore somehow more acceptable than, say, Hustler. I should add, in the interest of fairness, that by the end of the episode Kim is on board with the whole project. I have to say that, generally, Kim seems likable enough; Mamma K makes me ill, especially in the way that she treats her husband.

And here's the other thing that gets me: apparently, all these celebrities and some of the Housewives of Orange County, people that present themselves as respectable, people that many in our society look up to, attend, apparently, all these crazy, racy, half-naked parties at the Playboy Mansion. I remember Lauri from the Housewives getting all dressed up for a Playboy party and being all proud about being able to get in. She's a mother. Don't her children deserve a better role model than that? And Lauri acting like this is all totally normal.

Don't even get me started on Holly, Bridgette, and Kendra, Hef's three live-in girlfriends featured on The Girls Next Door. A couple of days ago, they were guests on the network program Phonomenon, hosted by Criss Angel. This program isn't especially racy, isn't on cable; it's pretty mainstream. And there we have Hef's girls as the guests. Oh, last week's guest was Raven Simone. So we have the Disney tween star Raven and the Girls Next Door presented as equivalent. This is troubling.

I know that some will just think I'm a prude, that I'm overreacting. Some will say that if I don't like it, I don't have to watch it. And that all may be true. But the bottom line is that and Playboy and Maxim and Victoria's Secret ads and all the rest of the advertising that uses women's bodies to sell a product--all of it, it's objectifying women. It's contributing to a culture in which women are objectified, devalued, and eventually raped.

On an unrelated note: Has Heather Mills totally lost her mind?

Thursday Thirteen: What I Would Do If I Weren't Afraid

Prologue: Here's a great Thursday Thirteen from Zee--Thirteen Turkey Techniques. And I like this topic, what I'd do if I weren't afraid, in part because J.C.'s mantra is, "What Would I Do If I Weren't Afraid?" and she's a totally inspiration to me.

So here goes. . .

1. I'd go on the job market and see what happens. It's not that I'm dissatisfied with my job. I mostly enjoy what I do. But I'm thinking more and more that I'm just not very good at being a Vermonter. And I'm continually discouraged about my paycheck.

2. I'd move somewhere fun and sexy and interesting, or at least somewhere that felt like home. Again, I think there are lots of great things about Vermont. But I'm lonely. And, as I look towards winter, I realize that I just really don't like the cold.

3. I'd travel, see new places, experience new things. This seems important somehow. And yet, it never happens. Of course, money is always a problem--see #1 above.

OK, I'm having a hard time getting to 13 here. Does that mean that mostly I'm doing what I want to do?

4. I'd go to church. I'd go back to church--that's the more accurate way to say it. I'd become involved in a church. But for some reason (well, really for lots of reasons), it's so bound up in anxiety and hurt that I can't seem to do it. I have to admit that I'm really ashamed about this one.

5. I'd take sewing risks. I'd go for it and refashion old thing and sew new things and wear them all proudly, because they were mine.

6. I'd commit to Weight Watchers. I think that I haven't, at least for the past 9 months or so, really given it a shot because I'm afraid I'll fail. And when I fail, I'll have to feel bad about myself, like a failure. So I guess it's easier not to try. I know this isn't logical for any number of reasons. And yet I keep not trying, keep just ignoring it all.

7. I'd make an effort to establish new relationships here in Vermont. This is a hard one for me. I have social anxiety. And I worry that people won't like me; here, I guess I'm bound up in past rejection. Or I worry that I just won't be able to do it somehow. It's like, outside of my colleagues, I don't even know how to meet people any more.

8. I'd consider other career options. I don't know that I'd want to totally switch careers; maybe I would, maybe not. But I'd allow myself to think about it and seriously research it. I mean, I know that I'm mostly competent and that I'm a pretty good employee. And logically, I know that there are a number of things I'd probably be good at. But I don't know what those are right now.

Ok, now I'm really thinking I'll never get up to 13. Maybe I'll have to come back to this later.

9. I'd learn something new, take classes at the college maybe. I'd take art classes, or ballroom dancing, or anything that's simply different and outside of my usual realm of experience.

I got to 9! That's more than half of 13, and I'm good with that. Nine is more than I anticipated when I started typing. And sometimes good enough is good enough.

Oh, 10. I'd commit to find ways to make myself more content, to make my life full and fulfilling, to be a healthier person.

Ennui

Lately, I've been feeling this general ennui, with the except of the hours when I'm really able to concentrate on working, which is maybe the most fulfilling part of each day. But there's this pall of ennui, of general lethargy. I want to feel energy, to feel like the creative self that I actually like being. On and I do realize that this larger ennui is probably related to the lack of style I discuss below. And yet, I don't know just now, how to get beyond any of it. But what I'm REALLY trying to get to is this: nearly every day, I think, I really should blog (of course, labeling anything "should" is really just a guarantee that one probably won't actually do whatever it is). And I think, I really want to blog. Or, I really would enjoy blogging. See, it's more than just a should. But I don't. I just realized that this is my first post in weeks. And I don't even quite know how that happened, because it's truly something that I enjoy and find somehow nurturing. Maybe that's at the heart of it all--maybe I'm just not bothering to take care of myself lately. I don't know anymore. But maybe this is the important thing: I'm here now. I'm posting now. Oh, by the way, I really kind of like the word "ennui." I mean it's almost like onomatopoeia or something. I mean, something about the word sounds like the thing is means, or the emotive connotation that the word means. I feel the same about the word "skank."

Ok, so I hereby resolve to work through this ennui. Or at least figure out how to do it (and yes, I do have an appointment to see a new therapist in a few weeks!. Or at least to start taking care of myself. Every time I speak to my grandfather on the phone, he says that he hopes I'm taking care of myself and reminds me that if I don't take care of myself, no one will. I do know that the bottom like there is that 1) he loves me and 2) he's right. So I'll do it.

A New Look

You may or may not notice that I've a new look (which is really a comfortable, old look) for my blog. This is indicative, I think, of my desire for a new "look" for myself. The past six months or so, I've just suddenly felt so frumpy! And I can't quite figure out why I feel so frumpy (is it because I'm feeling so chunky? because the clothes I like don't fit the way they used to?), but I do. I mean, I'm no big fashionista or anything. But I used to do my hair and put on funky eyeshadow and wear fun, funky clothes, and I felt good about myself, about how I looked. I mean, I felt like I had this fun, funky, interesting, sometimes cute look. And I felt good about myself. And that has just somehow fallen by the wayside. Is this some weird result of depression? Or am I just growing up and becoming less superficial? I don't think that's it, because I still want to feel like I look cute and fun. Evidence (and Zee can testify), at least one morning a week, I do march into work and say, "Hey, look at my fun socks," to at least one person. And I guess that I want to get to that place where I'm having fun with my appearance and being creative with my appearance and feel like I look cute--here I concede that what I consider cute others may consider ridiculous, stripey knee socks, for instance. And that's Ok--I mean if most of the rest of you think it's silly or just don't get it or whatever, that's fine. But I still want to feel like I'm being creative in this way and like I'm being true to my own sense of style. And that's just not happening lately.

So what's the solution to all this? I can't figure it out. Is it just as simple as losing weight? Or is there more to it? Or is it as simple as getting a new hair cut and actually styling it before going to work in the morning? Or is it as simple as buying a few really basic but wonderfully fitting wardrobe items, you know, basic things that I can wear all the time and that make me feel really good when I put them on? I don't know what the solution is, and I suspect that it's not anything terribly simple. Maybe it's just that I'm slowly but surely secumbing to being a Vermonter--yikes! I hope that's not it. I just can't get a handle on this, and it's making me feel more discouraged.

Back to Work

After a hiatus (a somewhat working hiatus) of just over 10 days, I'm back to work. And I'm ready; it's good to be back; I'm ready for structure and a schedule. However, this morning, I had a rude reminder of several things. One: the college doesn't bother to turn on the heat until after mid-October. Consequently, it's below 60 in my office. I'm not exaggerating! But I am freezing. Two: a 10-day hiatus means a backlog of e-mail. Ick! I spent far too much time this morning simply hitting the delete button in my e-mail program. Three: although I grumble about the pay, I really do enjoy my job. I get to spend my time reading and writing and talking about all kinds of fascinating things each day. I remember one of the first college-level literature classes I taught, and I remember at the end of each three-hour class meeting, thinking, "I can't believe that someone's paying me to do this. I do this all the time with friends just for fun." I suppose that now, grumbling about the low pay demonstrates just how mercenary I've become. But the work is, for the most part, still lotsa fun.

On an unrelated note: Over the weekend, I started reading Anne Sexton. And apparently, she loves (yes, I'll talk about her in the present tense) the palindrome "rats live on no evil star." And that seems like one worth sharing.

Thursday Thirteen: Home from Calgary

Thirteen Things About Being Home from Calgary: Pros and Cons

One: Sleeping in my own bed--a definite pro. I didn't sleep all that well in Calgary, in spite of the frou-frou hotel room. And sleeping in my bed, with my cotton sheets, and the window open to a fall-in-Vermont night is superb.

Two: Getting work done--another pro. I am feeling, in part, inspired by having been around other academics and talking about work and about our ideas (on the flight home, I got to sit next to an interesting conversationalist from U of South Carolina). And as a result, I feel like working! In fact, earlier today, I sent off a draft of an essay that I'd been revising for the last six months. It's not great, but it's done! And this feeling of inspiration brings me to number

Three: Cara--both pro and con. The pro is, of course, that I got to see her and M. in Calgary. The con is that I feel like we didn't get to spend nearly enough time together and that I miss her already. It seems like such a huge thing to have a friend that spurs one on to be a better person and also to have a friend who simply understands.

Four: Guinnie and Polly--pro. I'm just happy to see the pups again!

Five: A.--pro. I definitely missed him while I was away, more than I'd anticipated. And missing someone and being happy to come back home to him counts for something, right?

Six: Reading Elizabeth George--pro. I heard George speak while at the conference, and hearing her talk about her work and her process helped me understand, at least in part, what it is I find appealing about her novels. Namely, her Lynley novels are so much about her characters, characters who are compelling and full. And I'm motivated to keep reading.

Seven: Not eating out--both pro and con. Ok, so I ate some fun food in Calgary. And that was a pro. But I'm now somehow feeling like cooking, like making soup and nesting in that way that the autumn makes me feel.

Eight: Autumn in Vermont--pro. So the foliage was OK in Calgary, certainly more interesting that what I'd see in, say, SoCal, but this is just such a perfect, lovely time in Vermont. And even now, as I'm typing away and gazing out the window, it's like gazing on a scene from a postcard. I suspect that there's no better place to be just now.

Nine: Getting caught up on TV--pro. Ok, I know I watch way too much TV. And it's not like I didn't have access in Calgary. Still, it's nice to sit down and get all caught up on the lastest episodes of House and Dirty, Sexy Money, which could be my new favorite.

Ten: A week off of work--pro. Although I mostly enjoy my job, coming home to a full week off feels like such a luxury, and I can't believe it's already Thursday! But it's so nice to have time for things other than paperwork and meetings and classrooms.

Eleven: Checking e-mail--both pro and con. I'd anticipated having internet access in Calgary, but that somehow didn't happen, which is fine. So I now have a whole backlog of e-mail. And I'm not sure what to do with much of it. On the bright side, I did have at least some fun e-mail to come home to.

Twelve: Time to read and write--pro. Now that I'm back home (back to a wonderfully clean house!) and not having to teach, I have time to read and write in my journal and all the things that I find restorative and replenishing. And it's great to have the luxury of being able to sit and read and read and read and really throw one's self into it!

Thirteen: All the comforts of home--definite pro. Having a fire and a cup of tea and reading long into the night, shuffling around in my bathrobe, taking a long bath in the middle of the afternoon--I love all these things. And it seems to me that these little things are the best parts of home!

Hey, not only did I get to thirteen, but they are almost entirely "pros." The conference was fine, and seeing C. was great, but being home is a good thing.

Rehab, Retreat, Healing, and Yoga

I know that I've been having this conversation in several forms over the past six month or so with those of you whom I know in "real" life. But over the summer, when we kept hearing these news stories about LiLo and Britt going into rehab, especially that cushy rehab, Promises, in Santa Barbara, I kept thinking that I really, really wanted to go to rehab. Not that I necessarily need rehab. Not that I have a substance abuse problem. But the idea of going away and eating healthy foods and reading nurturing stuff and writing in a journal and being away from the day-to-day-ness for a while, just to focus on wellness, on getting healthier (all with a massage therapist on staff!) sounds like just what I need right now. And so I thought about taking a few days for a yoga retreat at Kripalu, which sounds just divine, for their Retreat and Renewal program. And I keep thinking "retreat and renewal" over and over, as though it's a mantra or some sort. Well, Kripalu isn't going to happen for me any time in the immediate future, although I'm promising myself that I will go, if even for three days, sometime in the next year. But this is what I'm trying to get to: I may not need "rehab," but I do need retreat and renewal, even if it's just yoga practice and journal writing with the perfect cup of tea. But I realize that I need regular retreat and renewal in my life, although I'm still trying to figure out what that might look like. I mean, I keep thinking that I want to devote a block of time each week to activites that will contribute to a sense of retreat and renewal. Maybe I need a mini retreat each day. I'm just thinking out loud here, I guess. But it seems important to get these things out.

The Thursday 13, Special Wednesday Edition

My pal Zee has a super blog. And one thing she does is the "Thursday 13" where she composes a list of some sort. And I think it's great fun. And, using Zee as my inspiration, I've decided to inaugurate my own Thursday 13. I'm so excited, however, that I'm going to start today, Wednesday.

As a side note, I always think it's funny when something devoted to a particular day of the week is moved to another day yet retains the title of the day it was originally scheduled for. For example, we sometimes have Monday Night Football, Special Thursday Night Edition. Or when I was teaching at on of the California State Universities, every fall quarter, we would have one Tuesday near the end of the term when we'd run on a Monday schedule. You wouldn't believe how inconvenient and confusing this was.

I am, by the way, borrowing my topics from Segalove and Velick's List Your Self. And so, here I go:


Qualities I Love About Being Human

1. The ability to create: In Genesis, God as Creator, says "Let us make man in our image." When I teach Genesis in my lit class, students always ask what this means. And I've thought about it a lot. I think it means a lot of things. But I think that, in part, it meas that as God is Creator, we too are creators. And whether we believe in God or not, whether we accept Genesis or not, the creative impulse and ability is clearly something that sets humans apart. In her Artist's Way, Julia Cameron talks about this concept. She says that practicing and exercising our creativity is a way to be more closely connected to the divine.

2. The option to love: Now, I'm convinced that animals, or dogs anyway, can and do love. In some ways, I think that a dog's love is more pure than that of most humans. But I'm not sure that dogs can choose not to love. And let's face it--in humans a dog-like love becomes neurosis. But that's what I'm saying. We, unlike, dogs and in some ways choose love, or not. We can opt out. Or we can love whole-heartedly because we choose to love.

3. The ability to appreciate beauty: I'm most struck by this one when I look at the stars. I'm no astronomer (no astrologer either, for that matter); to me stars are there for the sake of sheer beauty.

4. The ability to read: Sometimes, I feel as though books and the characters I know from them are almost more real than some of the people I encounter in real life. I don't know who I'd be if I weren't a reader.

5. The ability to write: Clearly related to the ability to read, the ability to write is, of course, unique to humans. And I'd go so far to say "I write, therefore I am." Or maybe just, "I write, therefore I know myself." Writing, for me, is the way, the only way, to find out what it is I really, truly think and feel and want. And so I fill up journal after journal--I'm fond of both moleskine notebooks and of cheap, marble covered composition books. I write lists; I fume and say all the things I'd never actually say to anyone; I acknowledge my shame and my hurt; and sometimes I write and write and write until I feel better.

6. Having pets: OK, so this may not be a quality that's specifically tied to being human. But I love, love, love my dogs. When writing doesn't work, I cuddle and skwooze Guinn and especially Polly until I feel better. The thing about dogs is that they love in the ways that dogs love. And they're always glad to see you. And the don't hold grudges. Aside from a parent's love for a child, I think that the love of dogs may be the only unconditional love in this world.

7. Cooking: Yes, I'm a "foodie" at heart. I like planning, preparing, consuming, and even talking about food. And cooking so often feels like a truly, fully creative pursuit to me. Maybe this gets back to #1 somehow.

8. Family: I LOVE my family, and I love that my family is a part of my life, although they are far, far away :( But where would we be without them? How could I have become anything in this world without their love and suport?

9. Friends: Do animals have friends? Certainly they often live in groups, and maybe they feel some sort of companionship. But do they have those go-to friends? The ones we know we can call at midnight if we're in the midst of a crisis? The ones who love us at our best but especially at our worst? The ones that we may not talk with for six months, yet we can always somehow pick up where we left off? I'm thinking of JoyBug and Cort from college and C. from now.

Ok, I was aiming for a Thursday 13. And "Thursday 13" sounds great because it alliterates. But I only came up with nine. But it's a start, a place to go, a foundation upon which to build. Hey, did you notice my effort not to end that sentence with a preposition. Oh hey, here's a tenth:

10. Grammar: Yes, how nerdy, I know. But grammar is infinitely interesting and important in my world.

Back to Normal (or something that resembles it!)

I am happy to say that I am finally feeling back to something that resembles normal. And I don't mean normal for normal people but normal for me, because I have to say that I don't really know what normal to normal people feels like. Anyway, I went to the doctor yesterday for some other "stuff' ("stuff" is code for female problems, if you know what I mean), and she prescribed Xanax for me. Now, I am well aware that there are all kinds of potential problems associated with Xanax, most of them having to do with addiction. And so I'm careful to use it responsibly. But it really does help. And I took a dose yesterday evening. And I felt soooooo relaxed and slept soooo deeply. And when I woke up this morning, it felt as if my entire emotional and psychological system had been rebooted and reset. And I just feel so much better, so much more optimistic in a healthy, realistic kind of way.

It all reminds me that the whole depression / anxiety spiral is so difficult to claw one's way out of. I think that people who've never felt these things maybe can't understand how hard it all is. And I think it's hard in part because in the middle of it all it seems like there's no point in even trying to feel better--everything seems so hopeless. I realize that's distorted thinking, but it just seems so real when one is trapped in it.

But, at least for now, for today, I'm beyond all that ickiness. And I'm Ok, even hopeful. It's like suddenly I have things figured out, or I at least have some things figured out. I've (finally!) come up with a plan, a workable, practical, yummy plan to eat in a healthier way than I had been. And I'm excited to get to be traveling to Calgary next week. And even the Boca burger that I have planned for dinner sounds pretty darn exciting. It's just such a relief to feel capable and able to deal with life again.

So, yet again, this has been another self-indulgent post. But I'm OK with that.

Update

And so, yet again, I've simply not been posting. And I think that it's really somehow beneficial to me to post, to write regularly. There's not much to say. I feel like I work and work, but that's about all I've been up to lately. Oh, I've been watching some CourtTV and lots of Law and Order. But none of that makes for very interesting blogging. I know that my family thinks that I'm a little too into Court TV. But I disagree. If I can get in 10 or 15 minutes every other day, or so, I'm good. And I'm STILL fascinated by the Phil Spector trial. I have promised myself, however, that once the Spector verdict is in (if there's ever a verdict), that I'll kick the trial-watching habit. I guess that, on reflection, I can see why some claim that I'm a little too invested in these big trials. I do have to say that the current O.J. turn of events holds only a little, tiny bit of interest for me. I have no plans of getting all wrapped up in that.

Oh, so has anyone else heard that next month new episodes of Law and Order: Criminal Intent are premiering on USA and then running on NBC? This is what USA's website indicates. And it seems like a strange move to me.

Anyway, enough of this meaningless babble, I suppose. I should, at least, pretend to work.

Little Miss Matched

Ok, my mother called my attention to the Little Miss Matched brand. And their socks are super cool. I totally LOVE the idea of mismatched but still coordinated socks. This is really the greatest stuff--exactly the sort of thing that I like!

Margery Kempe

I've been (re)reading _The Book of Margery Kempe_ for a class I'm teaching. And the text, although not Margery herself, always feels like an old friend. Margery seems to represent so many things, many of them strikingly modern-feeling. And she is, you know, the first autobiography written in English. Or at least, the oldest text we have that's an autobiography. But even this autobiographyness is remarkably complex and interesting. For Margery herself is, apparently, illiterate. And she cannot speak and write to us directly. Rather she speaks to a scribe (probably a series of scribes) and he tells us her story, almost exclusively in the third person. What does it mean, then, that she doesn't have the agency to write her own story? And is it truly autobiography?