More Insomnia

I wonder if blogging about insomnia is somehow generating more insomnia in the world. But last night was another night plagued by the specter of insomnia. Earlier in the day, I went to the pharmacy and bought some sort of homeopathic thing that is supposed to help with sleep. I followed the directions carefully, yet it didn't seem to help at all. Lately, I seem to be able to get to sleep. But I only sleep for like 45 minutes and then am wide awake for hours. Last night, I tried all my old tricks: counting backwards from 300, listening to my iPod, deep breathing. None of it seemed to help. I kept thinking about how I was in the house all alone and how if there were an intruder I probably wouldn't realize it and how if I were to scream no one would hear. I do realize that obsessing about this stuff isn't rational and certainly isn't helpful. But there it was. Yesterday, I also had my annual visit to the gynecologist--woo hoo! That "woo hoo" was sarcasm, by the way. Anyway, sitting in the waiting room felt so weird yesterday, and last night in bed, it was like I kept flashing back to the whole waiting room scene. I felt like I was surrounded by these hugely preganant women; they looked ready to pop. And there they were with men I assume were the fathers of their children. OK, I know this is a terrible thing to think, but they all just looked like they wouldn't be good parents. I realize that, among other things, that's totally classist of me, but I kept thinking, "Why should they get to have a baby?" I feel awful for thinking these things. Then there were several teenagers in the waiting room, waiting to be tested for STIs and to get birth control, no doubt. I've been to the gyno a lot over the past year, and it seems like every time, there's some sort of drama with a 15 or 16 year old girl who either forgot her parents' insurance card or is being chewed out because she missed her last five appointments or whatever. And something about it just freaks me out. I always somehow feel like the pregnant women are being given the VIP treatment and the teenagers are getting lots of attention and I'm persona non grata, as they say. Again, I realize that most of this is in my imagination, but that perception is still there. And I kept thinking and thinking about it all in bed last night. And now I'm to the point in this whole cycle of insomnia where I'm starting to dread going to bed each night. Here it is, only 10:00am, and I'm already worried about going to bed. It's all just maddening!