She Wore Lemon

Didn't U2 have a song titled that?  I could be wrong, but I don't think so, as Mr. Monk might say.  So here's an apron that I made sorta recently.  It's reversible; after all, there are (or should be) two sides to every apron.  So I made this completely with fabric, trim, and a pattern I sort of had on hand.  Ok, to be fair, I "borrowed" the fabric from my mother's fabric stash.  I've modified the pattern in a couple of ways, mostly to make it reversible; this makes it more fun and adds a nice weight to the apron.  I think it's super cute!

P.D. James's Shroud for a Nightengale

I just finished this novel.  Wait.  I should back up.  As part of my reprioritizing project, I've decided I am going to try to post more mini-book reviews.  For a while, I was trying to create a post for everything I read; it got to be too much.  But for novels that either I'm teaching or that really speak to me, I find that posting a little something rather helps me to think through the work.  Currently, I'm working on reading through all of James's Dalgliesh novels in order, which has been lots of fun so far.  (Ditto for the Lord Peter novels from Sayers and the Morse novels from Dexter.  Morse has a special place in my heart, as some of you know!)  So one thing that I appreciate about Dalgliesh is that he's this complex, and therefore believable and sympathetic, character.  And he has all these seeming-contradictions about him.  He's this kick-ass, by the book police detective, but he also publishes poetry, critically acclaimed poetry.  Also, he seems to have this highly developed religious, moral, and ethical sense, but he finds, sometimes, that competing ethical claims somehow conflict.  This, again, strikes me as particularly true to life.  Dalgliesh, like so many of his detective brothers, seems to be unable to form meaningful, long-term attachments with the opposite sex.  I think that this relative lack of a personal life is probably, at least in part, what makes him a good detective.  And arguably, his committment to his job is a factor in his apparent inability to sustain relationships.  But I think that for Dalgliesh (and Morse) it's much deeper than just that their jobs get in the way of their relationships.  I mean, if it were that simple, they could remedy the situation if they wanted to.  Rather, it seems that loss and pain in their respective pasts keep these characters from forming loving, intimate attachments.  And there's something near universal about this; it's certainly something that I can relate to on some level.  Rejection and loss certainly lead at least some of us to be wary of personal attachments, right?  And I suppose, one way to do that is to be married to our jobs; it's certainly easy to justify being lonely when we say that our jobs just don't allow us the time or energy to pursue relationships.  So I realize this hasn't at all been a review of Shroud for a Nightengale, but it seems like something worth saying.  I mean, I keep asking myself why I'm finding these novels so compelling.  And for me, at least part of the attraction has to do with the central detective figures.  Maybe I need to reinstate my Sunday evening "dates" with Morse.  *sigh*

Refashionista Pledge

Hello guys and gals.  I've decided that I'm joining Wardrobe Refashion,  a blog / group specifically devoted to wardrobe refashioning.  For those of you who are not familiar with the term "refashioning" refers to cutting up, embellishing, altering, and otherwise revamping used clothing items, either second-hand items of items that one already possesses.  My idea, however, as much as anything is to try to use up some of the fabric I've accumulated (and really who among us hasn't?) in a fun, funky, functional way.  So part of this particular blog is that you take a pledge for either 2, 4, or 6 months, a pledge not to purchase any new clothing.  This, I suspect, may be the really tough part for me.  I do, however, reserve the right to purchase "unmentionables" if I need them.  (Ok, side note:  I really, really like all these euphemisms for underwear.  My favorites are "unmentionables," "foundational garments," and "drawers.")  So here's the pledge cut and pasted from the Wardrobe Refashion web site.

I ____Dr. Drennan (ha, ha!)______________ pledge that I shall abstain from the purchase of "new" manufactured items of clothing, for the period of 2 / 4 / 6 months. I pledge that i shall refashion, renovate, recycle preloved items for myself with my own hands in fabric, yarn or other medium for the term of my contract. I pledge that I will share the love and post a photo of my refashioned, renovoted, recycled, crafted or created item of clothing on the Wardrobe Refashion blog, so that others may share the joy that thy thriftiness brings! Signed__DCS________________.

Ok, so far so good.  I need to go over there and introduce myself.  Guess I should do that now.  Oh, but first, here are the "rules" of the game:

The Rules

• 1.
  No buying new! (handmade is excepted; So this allows for Etsy purchases etc!!) All clothing must be Recycled, Renovated, Preloved or Thrifted, or Handmade only for the term. Employment related and special needs clothing (ie sports, school), shoes and undies are excepted from the rules, although you are encouraged to have a go at making these.
• 2.
  In extreme circumstances, maybe a special event, or the worlds greatest and most amazing never to be repeated sale that you simply can not pass up, you may use the Get out of Refashionista Jail Free card. You are able to use this card once during the 2 month part of your contract; ie 1 for 2 months, 2 for 4 months etc. Of course you need to fess up on the blog and display the button!
• 3.
  You must post on the blog at least once a week to let the community know what you've been up to. This will not only give you brag points, but inspire and encorouge others! Of course you need to display the button on your blog and have copied the pledge in at least one post, and provide a link to your pledge under the button.
• 4.
  You need to be honest and admit when you've fallen off the Refashionista Wagon! Go directly to Refashionista Jail, do not pass GO and do not collect $200! Apply for parole once there.

Thoughts About "Stuff"

So it's Saturday morning, which is maybe my favorite part of the week.  It feels so indulgent to be able to sit around in my jammies, sipping tea, reading, writing in my journal.  And one of my goals for this weekend is to sit down and think about reprioritizing some things in my life.  This is something I try to do ever two or three months.  I like to look over my journal(s) and my lists of goals and simply think about what's working in my life and what isn't.  That seems healthy, right?  Well, healthy as long as I don't obsess about it, something I have a tendency to do.  And I guess that I'm posting this commitment to reprioritizing here, publically because I know that if I say it to others, I'm more likely to follow through.  Also, I'm feeling kinda anxious at the moment, and it seems that blogging, journaling, all that tends to help me settle down a bit and refocus. 

On a happy, happy note, I'm scheduled to teach an entire course devoted to Dante next semester!  And I'm so very excited.  I've been looking at different translations and reading reviews and analyses.  And all this reminds me exactly what I love about my job.  And when I say that, I don't just mean that I love that I am an English literature.  I mean, more specifically, I feel so grateful to have the particular position that I have at the specific liberal arts college at which I work.  There are so many, many wonderful things about my position and my department.  Not the least of these is that my colleagues are wonderful, and some of them have become close friends whom I really, really trust.  When I'm frustrated or discouraged about work, I know that I can walk down the hall to T.'s office, and he'll graciously listen and give me really helpful advice.  I so value having these kinds of relationships.  But the other wonderful thing about my job that I honestly wouldn't have at most other institutions is that I get to teach this interesting variety of time periods and genres and pieces of literature, and I get the opportunity to teach special topics kinds of courses in things that I simply just have an interest in.  And I've learned since coming here that the opportunity to just sort of teach what I want to teach is invaluable.  Sometimes I consider looking for ladder positions elsewhere, and I never do because, although VT is difficult, the actual job is this tremendous blessing.  I cannot imagine being happier in some other department. 

One final note:  I've been reading a collection of short stories by Ruth Rendell.  They are super.  And how have I missed Rendell all this time?

In Observance of Halloween. . .

Here's a pic from the Tim Burton film _Frankenweenie_.  I just love this pic.

It's a Big, Wide "Alt." World

So I've been thinking a lot lately about the terms "alternative" and "alt" and even about what "alt" could mean as a lifestyle choice.  And here's my big idea:  I want to start an online "alt" lifestyle 'zine.  I know, I know I have all these big ideas that I don't follow through with, and this is probably just one of those.  But here's where part of this comes from:  I have a student who is working towards his history senior thesis project.  One of the topics he's interested in is the way the word "alternative" changed in the 1980s and 90s and what sort of cultural effect this has had.  And I have this ongoing interest in "alt" crafting and in what "alt" might mean for the Christian, if we assume that the mainstream is secular.  And OK, I admit that I'm an avid reader of Lucky (the magazine devoted to shopping) and of Allure (a magazine that really deals with cosmetics as a part of fashion), and I'm interested in these things.  But I hope that my sense of style is informed by the mainstream but is "alt" in that it's my own take on current trends.  And maybe now's the place to come out and admit that I really, really love funky, colorful eye shadow.  I'm so not about the natural look.  And I've made my peace with all of this.  And there are so many so-called lifestyle publications out there--Martha Stewart immediately comes to mind.  And while I don't subscribe to Martha, I reall appreciate much of this kind of thing.  But what would an "alt" lifestyle look like?  I mean, I don't think it would look like one monolithic thing.  But why isn't there a space for more of us to say, "Look, here's my take on the mainstream.  And here's what I'm borrowing from pop culture.  And here's how I'm making it my own."  And can't the term "alt" mean a wide variety of things?  For whatever reason, I tend to associate the term with "alt porn."  And I'm so not wanting to support porn, but there's something important about the assertion that attractive does not have to mean that one looks like a Barbie doll.  Brunette can be attractive.  So can big hips and a small bust.  And maybe most importantly, being yourself and being at peace with yourself is maybe the most attractive thing of all.  This is empowering, right?  And isn't there a way to carry that sense over into other parts of our lives?  Isn't there a way to say, "Hey, I'm doing what I need to do.  And I'm using these facets of the power structure and of mainstream culture in ways that work for me.  But I'm also deviating when I need to, so that I'm dressing and decorating and reading and thinking and living in a way that's faithful to my values, values that don't always fit with mainstream cutlure and that sometimes question the status quo."  I feel like I grew up in a church and in other communitites in which the refusal to conform, often to superficial expectations, was seen as rebellion.  And so if you get a tattoo or dye your hair an unconventional color (and yes, I've done both), it was assumed that you were doing something wrong.  (side note:  I'm not meaning to say that my parents said this to me; it was larger and more nebulous forces that made me feel these pressures.)  But really, shouldn't Christians be living outside the mainstream?  I think that the New Testament suggests that if Christians are accepted by the world / mainstream culture maybe it means that they, the Christians, are sorta sell-outs.  I had a professor in college who said that John the Baptist was sort of the original radical; Willie Nelson sings a song about the "Troublemaker" who is criticized for his long hair and his unconventional lifestyle.  This, of course, turns out to be Jesus.  I don't know where I'm going with all of this other than to say this:  thinking about the terms "alternative" and especially "alt" has become a way for me to think about how I might integrate these parts of myself that too often feel desperate.  Is this what Forester means by "Only Connect?"  And in a more general sense, don't we need more "alt" lifestyle publications simply as a forum to think through these things?

The First Snowfall of the Season. . . .

It sounds much more cozy / romantic / wonderful / dreamy than it actually is.  This morning, I woke up and took the dogs out to a gentle snowfall. If I were still living in CA, I would think, "Wow!  the first snowfall sounds so lovely. . ."  Really, it was just kinda discouraging.  I mean, it was cold, and the dogs were wanting to just rush back inside rather than do their "business" in the yard.  And I just kept thinking that I had six months of this kind of weather to look forward to.  I'm trying to make the most of the change in the weather--I've been wearing boots and scarves this week.  Winter does afford fun, creative fashion possibilities.  But really, the cold is just a big inconvenience.  And knowing that it will drag on and on is really what brings me down.  The days are getting shorter--I've been leaving for work while it's still dark out.  And I've been having some conflict at work.  And for the last 10 days or so, I've just had a lot of work to do every day.   It's so hard not to get discouraged and overwhelmed.  This post is not turning out as I'd planned--I guess that's OK.  But I hadn't posted in ages, and it seems like I should say something profound or interesting about books or something.  But I'm just cold and tired and craving MAC eyeshadow, which I'm somehow rediscovering lately.  Maybe MAC eyeshadow deserves its own post.

Nixon, Toothpaste, and Sodomy

Many years ago (well, a couple years ago anyhow), I was with A. looking at a program for an academic conference.  And there was this panel with three papers that had no discernable connection.  So A. says, "It's like having a panel titled, I don't know, 'Nixon, Toothpaste, and Sodomy."  The point being, of course, that these three things just don't fit.  And so, in my mind, a miscellaneous, seemingly-random collection of thoughts has, ever since, been "Nixon, toothpaste, and sodomy."  And really, as a deconstructionist, A. should appreciate the suggestion that by placing these three together, maybe he's suggesting that they do somehow fit together.  And as a Freudian, A. might be able to give us insight into the possible, non-conscious connection between three seemingly- random nouns.  And now that I write this, I'm missing A. and realize that I should e-mail him.  I'll leave it to the rest of you, or at least to Cara, to deduce who A. is based on these clues.

And "clues" is my transition to the next thought in this series.  I may have posted about this before--I don't know.  I have decided that my all-time favorite etymology is that of the word "clue."  And as I've been reading and teaching all these great, quaint, classic, cozy murder mysteries, it's been particularly on my mind.  "Clue," originally spelled "clew" is the word for a ball of yarn:  think old ladies knitting while kittens bat around the yarn.  And when Theseus entered the labyrinth to battle the Minotaur, Ariadne gave him a clew of yarn to find his way back out.  You know, it's almost like Hansel and Gretel leaving crumbs in the wood.  Theseus is to leave the yarn at the beginning of the labyrinth and to thread it out as he moves along, so that once the minotaur is faced, he can follow the thread back to the beginning.  And, according to the OED, the universal source of all linguistic knowledge, this is the sense from which our use of "clue" develops.  The notion is that the detective, or anyone really, can pick up a single thread of a narrative and follow that thread through to the logical conclusion.  And as I read, I keep picturing the characters (this is especially appropriate for Miss Marple) following threads of conversations and incidents back to the murderer.  In The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, the narrator describes an encounter with Poirot: "He and I lunched together at an hotel.  I know now that the whole thing lay clearly unravelled before him.  He had got the last thread he needed to lead him to the truth."  And again, it's the image of unrolling that ball of yarn and following the thread out of the puzzle.  This image absolutely fascinates me.

And finally, third in my series of three seemingly-random things:  I have announcement to make.  In the near future, if all goes according to plan you will be able to find me here on the net.  More to come!

Just Found This on the Net!

Thursday Thirteen: Songs About Cities

Today's not Thrusday, and I haven't even done the TT in a while.  However, on the way to work this morning, I was listening to Creedence, and they have that great song "Lodi."  So I'm driving along, singing along, and I get to thinking:  Hey, there are lots of songs about particular cities.  And so here I offer, in no particular order, a list of thirteen songs about cities, some with commentary.

1.  CCR's "Lodi."  We'll start with this one, as it's the motivation for the list.  When I think Lodi, I think German sausage, which is maybe a little odd because I don't even remember the last time I ate German sausage, and I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually from Lodi.  But when I was a child, we'd sometimes have German sausage from Lodi at church functions.  Apparently, there's a butcher there who sells the "best" German sausage.  I think that my cousins J. and M. have a bakery or something they like in Lodi too.

2.  Glen Campbell's "Galveston."  I don't have too much to say about this one, other than this:  my father is, apparently, distantly related to Campbell.  I guess that means I'm related too.  As far as I'm concerned the most interesting thing about Glen Campbell is that he was once one of the Beach Boys.

3.  Otis Redding's "Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay."  Although the city's name isn't the title here, this is still a song about a city, right?  And it's a good one.  And in my mind, it's somehow connected to "Midnight Train to Georgia," which is also pretty good and about a particular locale.

4.  Marty Robbins's "El Paso."  Ok, this may be the all time best song about a city.  I love this one.  For one, the lyrics are fun.  Interestingly, he also recorded "Feelena" and "El Paso City," which taken with "El Paso" make up a song cycle, to my way of thinking.

5.  Garth Brooks's "Callin' Baton Rouge."  I don't have much commentary for this one; it's just fun.

6.  "New York, New York," especially when sung by Frank Sinatra.  Although it makes no sense to do so, I like to sing this one to and about my dogs, especially Guinn, substituting the line "these vagabond paws."

7.  Marc Cohn's "Walkin' in Memphis."  I have always thought Memphis would be a fun place to live; I could totally get on board with the whole rockabilly thing, and I don't just mean the music, I also mean "rockabilly kulture."

8.  "Meet Me In St. Louis," especially when sung by Judy Garland.

9.  Jimmy Buffet's "Margaritaville."  Wait, does Margaritaville count as a city?  I love the line about "Blew out a flip-flop / Stepped on a pop top."  That's genius.

10.Elvis's "Viva, Las Vegas."  OK, first I love the movie with Elvis and Ann Margaret.  But I am positively horrified by the Viagra commercials on TV in which they sing "Viva, Viagra."  It just makes me uncomfortable, like watching a Will Farrell skit on Saturday Night Live, only it's funny when it's Will Farrell.  Plus the TV commercials for Viagra just seem kinda low class.

11.  What about the Arlo Gutherie song about "The City of New Orleans."  OK, so the song's about the train named after the city--I get that.  And as such, I guess it's not really a song about a city, but still, it's a goodie.

12.  "City of Angels," by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

13.  And last but certainly not least we have Dwight and Buck's "Streets of Bakersfield."

Honorary Mention, because they are not specifically about a single city:  Johnny Cash singing "I've Been Everywhere" and George Straight singing "All My Exes Live in Texas." 

Intertextual TV: Lost

So this weekend, I started watching the TV series Lost.  And although I've only seen the pilot and maybe the next three or four epoisodes, I LOVE it!  It seems interesting and smart, which in terms of TV viewing is rather a departure for me--I normally like mindless TV.  But I keep thinking about it in terms of all kinds of other texts.  And it seems that it's intended that way.  I mean, how can we not think about it in connection to Lord of the Flies?  But that's the obvious comparison, right?  So far, the series clearly references Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.  But I also noticed one of the characters reading Watership Down.  And so I'm thinking, "Oooo!  It's an epic about building a new society."  And that's pretty obvious, right?  So, we've got Lord of the Flies, Alice, and Watership Down.  Charlie's tattoo says "Living is Easy with Eyes Closed," which of course is from "Strawberry Fields," and we have a character named John Locke.  And yeah, this is all kinda obvious.  But mixed with the fantasy elements (dare I say "magical realism"), all I can think is Umberto Eco.  If Eco were to create a TV series, would it be like this?  I mean, really, I bet that Eco watches Lost, because it all feels like Eco's novels to me.  This is so like The Island of the Day Before or Baudolino.  In those novels we see characters who somehow end up in fantasy worlds that play with what they know about science and myth.  And so my thought process is something like this:  Lost, intertextuality, magical realism / fantasy, Umberto Eco.  So what do I make of it all?  Right now I don't know, other than I'm excited to see how the series progresses.  And I'm interested to see what other texts come up--I'm betting Dante is related to all of this somehow.  I'm really hoping that Eco publishes an essay on Lost, because that would be kick-ass.  I guess this is how English teachers watch TV.

Follow Up to Last Week's Post on Palin

Last week, although it somehow feels like it was an age ago, I know I posted a longish "thingy" about Palin.  And I continued to think about the topic and how I was feeling about it, and some of you had interesting things to say in response.  And so, it seems that a further exploration of the general topic seems to be in order.

So C. pointed out, and I think that she's right, that there's this weird, uncomfortable, and ultimately mislead double standard.  It's like some people think Hilary C. is not to be admired because she's been ambitious and has been open about it.  In contrast, Palin is presented as this "Hockey Mom" who has really been a stay-at-home mother at heart but has somehow fallen into this whole vice presidency thing (I almost said "farce"), and that we're supposed to find Palin inspiring and acceptable because she's been committed to her family before her career, because she hasn't shown the ambition that Hilary has.  And, really why is it acceptable, at least according to some segments in society, for the Hockey Mom to run for office and somehow offensive when the ambitious mom does?  Don't get me wrong--I don't see it this way.  And I don't want to suggest that I think Hilary has been anything other than a good mother--I certainly don't know anything about her as a mother other than to say that Chelsea seems to have turned out well.  But what really gets to me is this:  Palin must have been and must be ambitious and hard working.  OK, so I don't think she's particularly qualified for second in command, but she has been a mayor and even a governor, albeit for a short amount of time.  But one doesn't get to be a governor, even of Alaska, without hard work and ambition.  She's been personally ambitious; she's worked to advance her career.  I think this is fine.  But it bothers me when some want to act like she's admirable because she's been somehow non-ambitious, somehow antithetical to Hilary in this regard.

Secondly, as I am prone to do, I turned my analysis of Palin really into an analysis of women's position in society and an analysis of myself and my own position in a variety of social structures.  Hey, we all know the personal IS the political, right?  Or is it the political that's personal?  I forget which it is.  But I went on and on about not having children, not having a "partner."  And I do love that we can use the term "partner."  Anyhow, when I said that I feel somehow "broken" because I don't have a partner, I really meant that I feel like there must be something wrong with me or I wouldn't be alone.  I mean, I know this is not rational, but too often it simply feels like no one wants me.  And the reasoning goes like this:  "No one wants me.  This must mean that I am undesirable.  There must be something wrong with me, or someone would want me.  I must be broken beyond repair."  Again, I am saying clearly, this sort of thinking is not realistic or reasonable.  But still, it feels like no one wants me, therefore I must be un-want-able.  And to be fair, I think I've had more than my fair share of dramatic (shall we say melodramatic?), extreme, heart-breaking rejections from men I've really, truly loved.  I seriously think I may have PTSD from the whole Stamp thing.  But it always feels like if I'd been somehow better, maybe he would have wanted me, maybe he'd want me now.  I think that most people would have some insecurities in the wake of some of this, right?  (So I'm sparing you all a long, melodramatic narrative of how it went down with Stamp; I'm assuming that if you know me well at all, you know the situation.  And the truth is (I hate admiting this) that all this time later, I sill miss him and think about him and wish that things could have somehow been different.  Please don't e-mail me to say that's silly.  I know it's silly, but it's just part of it.)  Anyhow, that's really only tangentially (or maybe not at all) related to the Palin question.  But the topic is, clearly, bringing up all kinds of difficult "stuff" for me.

P.S.  In future posts, I'll try to cut down on the parentheticals.  Bad writing style!

Ursula Le Guin: Gifts

I just finished the YA novel, Gifts, by Ursula Le Guin, and it was one of the most lovely novels I've read in quite some time.  I haven't read tons of Le Guin, but there's something beautiful and fitting and perfect about her clear, succint, almost sparse style.  And Le Guin is particularly insightful and sensitive in the way that she deals with the whole coming-of-age motif.  This particular novel would, I suppose, be classified as fantasy.  It's the story of an adolescent boy living in some sort of alternate universe in which individuals have "gifts," or what we might call supernatural powers.  These gifts are hereditary, and the main character, Orrec, has the gift of "undoing" or destruction.  As he matures, Orrec must learn to use this gift, lest it control him.  But, of course, his coming to terms with his gift is his coming-of-age, his growing into an adult, and this growing is painful and frustrating and fill of loss, but how could it be anything else?  As I sit here typing, it occurs to me that the genre of fantasy seems to be especially suited to the coming-of-age story.  And maybe that's simply because fantasy is almost always about the main character's quest, and the quest is, I suppose, really just a metaphor for growing up and finding our place in this world.  I am, I have to admit, particularly fond of the YA novel, and this is one of the very best I've read in quite some time.

Nifty Netflix Feature

I think that Netflix is just about the greatest thing since ever!  And if you click here, you can become my Netflix friend (or fiend!).  See what I've been watching, make recommendations.  The fun never ends!

Edited (and Less Crazy) Pic of My Fenny-Love

K. was kind enough to edit the pic of Fenway that I posted yesterday.  Here's Fenway looking much more dignified.  Some might say that I'm biased, but I really do think he's just the handsome-est little thing in the world.  Here's a "joke" that A. made up:  What's the difference between Fenway and Sarah Palin?  The lipstick! 

Stop the Insanity! Or What I Really Think About Sarah Palin, Or Why I'm Not a Very Good Feminist

I don't know where to start.  Like many of us, I have had Sarah Palin on the brain for the last ten days ago.  And I've officially decided, much to the consternation of some, I know, that I'm not going to vote in Novemeber.  I've also officially decided to not engage in conversations and certainly not snide comments about the candidates, the parties, or the process.   One reason I've decided not to vote is that, really, with the electoral college working as it does, I sorta feel like my vote doesn't count.  I mean, Vermont is certainly going to the Democrats, regardless of how I do or don't vote.  I don't think that's cynical of me; I think it's realistic.

But here's what I really think about Sarah Palin.  (Ok, I know that I just decided not to engage in conversations about the candidates, but I consider my personal rant far from a conversation).  Regardless of ideology and politics and all that stuff, which I do consider to be really important, I don't think that Palin is qualified.  I don't think that she has the requisite experience that I'd like to see in someone who could potentially be the leader of the free world.  Just for the record, I think the same about Obama.  I do realize that for both of them, part of the attraction is the perception that they are not entrenched in the establishment.  I guess that I understand that as a kind of selling point, but in Palin's case, I'm not buying.

I do feel that, at least for me, one positive that's come about as a direct resuly of Palin's being chosen as McCain's running mate is that many of us are revisiting some pretty big questions about women with careers and especially working mothers.  This topic is one that I find myself coming back to over and over.  I know that I've said before that I always feel like I've somehow been betrayed by feminism, as a movement (yes, I know that I'm talking about white, privileged feminism here).  I feel like feminism (or maybe 2nd wave feminism) has told us that in order to be happy and successful we need to have rewarding careers and fabulous marriages while we are super moms too.  I, for one, don't think that I have it in me to do all three of these at once.  In fact, at 33, I have accepted that I'll probably never have a child.  And I'm totally OK with not having children.  In fact, I don't see how I could work the way that I want to and still have it in me to be a good mother.  I know that many women do it and that many of them do it gracefully.  I am not one of those women, and I'm sure it has more to do with my own emotional weaknesses than anything else.  For a long while, I felt like I was supposed to at least want children, like there was something defective about me if I didn't.  Now I realize that, at least for me, it's a choice:  career OR children.  Or maybe I could, in theory, have both, but I can't imagine doing a very good job of either.  And over the last week, Mika Brzezinski, who I really like as far as newsy personalities go, has been talking about this topic in her own way.  And I appreciate what she has to say about Palin and being a working mother.  And Mika (don't you love how suddenly I'm all palsy with her?) says that for herself working the way she does is a choice and that it does take time and energy away from her children.  I know she doesn't buy into Palin's politics, but Brzezinski says she can identify with the sacrifices that working mothers make.  But the thing is that Brzezinski and Palin and even I have a choice.  Many women, especially single mothers, don't have a choice.  And really, aren't the mothers working 50 and 60 hours a week at blue collar jobs to house and feed their children, aren't they the real heroes?  And aren't they the ones we should be concerned about?  I mean, all these pundits going on and on about Palin and if she gets the big job, who will take care of her children.  Palin has a choice to make--talk about ProChoice--too many mothers, especially single mothers, don't have the luxury of choice.  And we don't talk about this often enough, it seems to me.  (Ok, here's where I get all "meta:"  I realize this paragraph lacks a single focus.  And I'm OK with that--I'm just sorto of thinking out loud on paper, or on screen.  Well, you know what I mean.)

And I haven't even begun to address how marriage and relationships might fit into the mix.  I believe that, in general, being a single parent is much more demanding and much more difficult than having a partner with whom to raise children.  At 33, I have begun to accept that I may never, never get married and have that kind of partnership in my life.  This, for me, is much more difficult to accept than the prospect of not having children.  But it's a possibility (a probability????) that I think I need to face.  And I have to say that not being married, or more specifically feeling like I have more than my share of spectacularly failed relationships in my past makes me feel like a failure.  I can be OK with never being a mother, but the idea of never having a fulfilling, intimate relationship makes me feel so broken somehow.  And I do feel a lot of societal pressure--it's like there must be something wrong with me if I can't do something so normal as sustain a relationship.  I know that my perceptions and reality aren't the same thing here; this is just how I feel much of the time.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is this:  thinking about Palin has, for me, brought up questions about how I, as a woman and as a feminist and as a product of a particular historical and cultural moment and as a product of a particular set of religious beliefs, define success.  Too often, I find that the definitions of a successful woman offered by the various societal groups with which I identify are definitions of success that just don't work for me.  And I'm not sure where that leaves me.  Right now, it leaves me with a job that I enjoy and that I really believe in.  But sometimes, I feel like that's about all I'm left with, and I don't know what to think or feel about that.

Oh, and one more thing:  I cannot make myself believe that reproductive rights are the central issue for women in the way that some others seem to think they are.  Maybe I'll post more on this later, or maybe I'll continue to avoid the issue.

Pics of my yard

These pics are the flower beds in my front yard, as seen from my window.  I'm not sure that they really at all show what things are looking like, as we near the end of what's been a very wet summer.  But my yard is truly a source of joy.

Here's a new pic of Fenny.  I like this one because it looks like he's smiling.  Also, he looks kinda maniacial, which he kinda is.  If I were better with Photoshop, I could make his eyes look normal, black, not all reflect-y.  But maybe the glowing eyes add to the maniacial feel of the pic.  Doesn't he look like he wants to say something?  I think he wants to say, "I love my mama more than anyone!"

A Reading Update

As you can tell, I'm sure, from recent posts, I've been reading tons and tons o' murder mysteries lately. And something about it is very satisfying. I like feeling like I'm reading with a purpose, and I like feeling like my reading is centered on something--some theme, some goal. Over the last week, I've finished the first Sherlock Holmes novella A Study in Scarlet and P.D. James's A Mind for Murder. Oh, I've also read Edgar Allen Poe's three tales of "ratiocination:" "Murders in the Rue Morgue," "The Mystery of Marie Roget," and "The Purloined Letter." And I'm feeling in this state of synthesis where I'm living and breathing and thinking mystery, you know? When I get really into a writer or a genre or a class or whatever, I find myself going about my life, almost constantly mulling it all over in my mind. And I rather like that feeling--it seems to give me a sense of purpose. So two of the Poe stories I could do without, but "The Purloined Letter" is pretty smart. And in A Study in Scarlet, Watson and Holmes refer to Poe's Dupin. And, I don't know, it feels cool and smart and interesting to be tracing the development of something. And intertextual references always excite me anyway. So all this to say, I guess, that I'm just having a lot of fun with work, and that really seems like how it should be.

"We Tell Ourselves Stories in Order to Live"

In "The White Album," Joan Didion opens by exploring why it is that we write.  And as I'm preparing for tomorrow's Freshman Comp class, I'm reminded of what Didion has to say:

We tell ourselves stories in order to live.  The princess is caged in the consulate.  The man with the candy will lead the children into the sea.  The naked woman on the ledge outside the window on the sixteenth floor is a victim of accidie, or the naked woman is an exhibitionist, and it would be “interesting” to know which.  We tell ourselves that it makes some difference whether the naked woman is about to commit a mortal sin or is about to register a political protest or is about to be, the Artistophanic view, snatched back to the human condition by the fireman in priest’s clothing just visible in the window behind her, the one smiling at the telephoto lens.  We look for the sermon in the suicide, for the social or moral lesson in the murder of five.  We interpret what we see, select the most workable of the multiple choices.  We live entirely, especially if we are writers, by the imposition of a narrative line upon disparate images, by the “ideas” with which we have learned to freeze the shifting phantasmagoria which is our actual experience.

Didion's is one of my favourite passages about writing, about why we write.  Maybe we don't write to live in a literal sense, and yet we write in the attempt to find meaning in a world that is meaningless.  Last night, I was watching Slings and Arrows a "dramedy" about a troup of Shakespearing actors who, in season 2, present MacBeth.  Some of them see a production of MacBeth at a local elementary school.  And as his wife goes mad, MacBeth thinks something like "I don't understand life.  It just goes on and on."  And as Didion points out, the attempt to find a narrative thread in our existence is the attempt to follow the thread or clue that could lead to some sort of meaning, we are searching for what MacBeth feels he's missing.  And "story" is a way to do so.  I always think this is so powerful and says so much not just about why we write but why we read and why the study of literature is important.  This seemed to be worth sharing.