Update

And so, yet again, I've simply not been posting. And I think that it's really somehow beneficial to me to post, to write regularly. There's not much to say. I feel like I work and work, but that's about all I've been up to lately. Oh, I've been watching some CourtTV and lots of Law and Order. But none of that makes for very interesting blogging. I know that my family thinks that I'm a little too into Court TV. But I disagree. If I can get in 10 or 15 minutes every other day, or so, I'm good. And I'm STILL fascinated by the Phil Spector trial. I have promised myself, however, that once the Spector verdict is in (if there's ever a verdict), that I'll kick the trial-watching habit. I guess that, on reflection, I can see why some claim that I'm a little too invested in these big trials. I do have to say that the current O.J. turn of events holds only a little, tiny bit of interest for me. I have no plans of getting all wrapped up in that.

Oh, so has anyone else heard that next month new episodes of Law and Order: Criminal Intent are premiering on USA and then running on NBC? This is what USA's website indicates. And it seems like a strange move to me.

Anyway, enough of this meaningless babble, I suppose. I should, at least, pretend to work.

Little Miss Matched

Ok, my mother called my attention to the Little Miss Matched brand. And their socks are super cool. I totally LOVE the idea of mismatched but still coordinated socks. This is really the greatest stuff--exactly the sort of thing that I like!

Margery Kempe

I've been (re)reading _The Book of Margery Kempe_ for a class I'm teaching. And the text, although not Margery herself, always feels like an old friend. Margery seems to represent so many things, many of them strikingly modern-feeling. And she is, you know, the first autobiography written in English. Or at least, the oldest text we have that's an autobiography. But even this autobiographyness is remarkably complex and interesting. For Margery herself is, apparently, illiterate. And she cannot speak and write to us directly. Rather she speaks to a scribe (probably a series of scribes) and he tells us her story, almost exclusively in the third person. What does it mean, then, that she doesn't have the agency to write her own story? And is it truly autobiography?

Statler and Waldorf

Ok, one last item:

Click here for a montage of Statler and Waldorf clips.

Enjoy!

Some Favorite Jim Henson Inspired Moments

Inspired by C's recent post, I have been thinking about some of my favorite Sesame Street and especially The Muppet Show moments. And although I probably *should* be working, blogging about Jim Henson and company sounds like much more fun right now. First, I absolutely LOVE when Grover sang "The Monster Song." There's something super-fly about Grover in the first place. And I love the line about "The monster in the mirror, he just might be you." Like isn't it great that we can identify with Grover somehow? Now, on to The Muppet Show. And I absolutely love the Muppet Show, love just about everything about it. Who doesn't love "Mahna, Mahna"? Or what about when they do The Village People's "In the Navy"? I love when the Swedish Chef makes chocolate "moose." You "put the chocolate on the moose," you know. I read recently that Fozzie Bear nearly got the axe after the first season of the show, which makes me sad. Fozzie is so great. Ok, enough for my banal trip down memory lane.

Today's the second day of the semester, but the first day of Tuesday / Thursday classes, so it's really just more first day stuff for me, which really means that it's going to be boring, boring, boring reading over syllabi, explaining policies. Phew! That was a long, poorly constructed sentence. And I was awake at 3:00 this morning. I lay in bed until about 4:15 and have been up ever since. Needless to say, I'm at work very, very early, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Getting dressed was kinda a pain this morning. I had two tops all picked out and planned to wear one or the other. Well, surprise, surprise--neither one fit properly. Seriously, since I've gained weight, my boobs are big enough that none of my button-down shirts fit. It's all pretty annoying. Some days I wish I could just take a break from boobs, could leave them at home for a while. OK, so my apologies to my family and anyone else who objects to hearing about this. It's become a big issue for me lately.

So I'm at work now and should probably settle in and get some stuff read or something. But I thought I'd check in first!

I'm at work. And today is Tuesday. And classes start Monday. Which means that I have less than a week to get my act together. So, I really should be reading feminist theory and thinking about all kinds of challenging intellectual things and typing up notes and all that. But all I really want to do is go home and sew (I'm making the best dress ever--so excited!) and cook and read murder mysteries. And I guess that isn't very feminist-scholar of me, but I don't really care, because somehow working with my hands and creating brings me great joy that feminist theory just doesn't. And the other thing I really want to do is listen to the same Willie Nelson songs, especially "Red Headed Stranger" over and over. On 2 September, A. and I have tickets to see Willie and Merle Haggard ("The Hag"), and I'm all gearing up for that. Again, I suppose it's neither very feminist or scholarly of me, but it brings me great joy. Oh, "Blue Eyes Cryin' in the Rain" just came on the iPod. (What did I do pre-iPod????), and it's so much more exciting than Kristeva and Irigaray and whoever else. I don't know--designing clothes and making Mexican food in the evenings is just so much better than work, somehow. I mean, I really enjoy my job, and once the semester starts, I'm sure I'll be back into the routine of it all. But just now, I want to go back to my Bakersfield, 4-H (the place I learned to sew), not-quite-redneck roots and enjoy all those other things that work sometimes keeps me from.

Insomnia

It is now 1:21 am. And I am not asleep. When I'm working, when I'm productive, I'm totally an early to bed, early to rise type of girl. But lately, it's like I just can't get to sleep. This is really not anything new: I've been plagued by insomnia since childhood. Literally. Lately, I've been having really upsetting dreams, and I get in bed and am tired but feel anxious about going to sleep because I don't want to wake up all panicked or sad or hurt over some incredibly vivid dream that I've been having. And I do wake up that way at, say, 4:00, and it's difficult to get back to sleep. But tonight, and this is weird, I was lying in bed and kept thinking of Neil Gaiman's novel American Gods, which I read maybe a year or 18 months ago. And when I read it, I remember enjoying it and being rather enchanted by Gaiman's use of myth. But what I really loved was the concept that the gods, mostly European, who were brought to the States by immigrants, tend to congregate at and find power in crazy roadside attractions, like Wall Drug, for example. They are the types of roadside attractions

OK, SIDE NOTE: I'M NOW WATCHING THE SERIES PREMIER OF NEWPORT HARBOR: THE REAL ORANGE COUNTY. I HAVE A THING FOR OC REALITY PROGRAMS, WITH THE REAL HOUSEWIVES BEING MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE.

K, back to Gaiman. They are the types of roadside attractions that are really campy but somehow seared into the collective American imagination. And my sense is that Gaiman has really had a stroke of genius in citing these locations as locations of primeval power. Is this like J. Campbell and the world navel thing? I forget how that works. Of course, Gaiman's gods explains that the roadside attractions have sprung up where they have because people are drawn to them because they are primeval, mythic places of power. But I guess that most of us normal mortals aren't aware of this on a conscious level. But the larger point is that as I can't sleep tonight, I keep thinking about this, about what it means. I think that what it means for me is that maybe I should read more Gaiman, because, clearly, I find him both entertaining and engaging. Maybe I'll pick up Anansi Boys soon.

On Weight Loss and Exercise and Eating Healthier and Feeling Better:

I am writing this post, as much as anything, to be a reminder to myself a couple of weeks from now when I want to give up. I am back on the Weight Watchers program (I totally recommend Weight Watchers Online, by the way), and although I've not been working at it long enough to lose any weight (yet!), I feel so much better, both physically and emotionally. So here's the lesson: eating healthy foods and lots of veggies and less cheesecake is so worth it, even if I never lose weight, because I simply feel so much better. And I've been slowly incorporating more exercise--Pilates, yoga, dance aerobics--into my schedule. I'm not exercising a whole lot (yet!), but I still feel so much better. Physically, I simply feel better, and it's good emotionally, because I feel like I'm accomplishing something. I know that none of this is like any big revelation, but I think that it's probably good for me to have this reminder: taking care of myself pays off, even in the immediate. If I never lose weight, which I do really want, eating satisfying, healthy foods and exercising is an important way to be healthy and to live in the present.

Just one More Doggie Pic. . .

Here's Polly all night-night. Isn't she just about the cutest thing you've ever seen. I know that I tend to go kinda overboard with the pics of my dogs, but please, just humor me. I just think they are the cutest, funniest, sweetest things in the whole world.

Polly in Bed

Ok, the rule is that dogs are not allowed on the bed. But of course, that doesn't stop Polly. Every morning, I make my bed, and as soon as I leave the house, Polly makes herself comfortable by rearranging the pillows to suit her. Here she is, all comfy-cozy in my bed.

There's A Mouse in my Toilet

When I went downstairs this morning, this is what I found. Yes, it's dead. Of course, I panicked. And I called my dad. He said it would be OK to just flush it, but I can't bring myself to do it, so I'll have to wait until tonight when Alan has time to flush it for me. It's all been very traumatic.

Rainy Days and Mondays Always . . .

. . .make me pretty happy, when I can spend them at home, with a good murder mystery and a pot of tea and the pups. Guinnie has been extra cuddly lately (this is out of character, and I attribute it to A's influence on her), and it's so nice to be home in the quiet with nothing to do besides read and sew and cook and whatever else I want to do.

And I'm back on the Weight Watchers wagon--hooray! I am eating the most wonderful salad with chickpeas and feta on top of greens and tomatoes. I'm a firm believer that a small amount of wonderful cheese and some protein--chickpeas, nuts, canned tuna, smoked salmon, whatever--is the secret to a good salad, although fruit, especially dried cranberries, can be substituted for the protein.

But more importantly, it's good to feel excited about the little things, like sewing and salad, you know? It's just good to be non-depressed. Anyway, there's not too much "exciting" going on to report, and quite honestly, that's the way I like things. I've been on a sewing kick; I think it's that I'm feeling like a need some new things (or at least some things that actually fit!) before school starts in a few weeks. I always look forward to the start of the new school year. It feels like New Year's Day or something, like starting over fresh. And autumn is my favorite time of year, especially since moving to New England. For the first time in too long, I'm excited about the future while being comfortable in and thankful for the present. This is a big deal to me, a big sort of change from how I was feeling not too long ago.

This Blog Has Become Unmanageable or Maybe Just Schizophrenic--Seeking Contributors for Collaborative Blogs

I often feel like my blog lacks focus. Some days it's about cooking, and some days it's about what I've been reading, and some days it's about depression (I don't like those days). And it seems like maybe it's OK to lack focus, because then it just becomes a blog about who I am and what's going on in my life. I've compared it to the Golden Notebook before, and I can be OK with that.

At the same time, I have a fantasy about having other, more focused, possibly collaborative blogs. I mean, I'd love a blog devoted to crafting where several of us could be posting pics of our projects, offering suggestions, that sort of thing. And I'd love a collaborative kind of thing where we could post something about new favorite recipes and that kind of thing. And of course, a bookish blog is always good. If any of you are interested in forming more specifically focused blogs, communities really, let me know. I think it could be tons of fun. Oh, I'd be all for a writer's blog as well.

Not Buying It: August and September

During July, I had intended, among other things, to not eat out. And honest, I failed miserably. It worked for, like, a week. I'd like to say that I've learned something from the experience. But I haven't. However--and I'm really excited about this--I've given up buying clothing for the next two months. I've signed up for this interesting group / blog, where members take a pledge to not buy clothes for a two-, four-, or six-month period and instead to make clothes, reinvent and restructure old clothes, or even buy at a thrift store with the intention of reinventing and recycling. Then, and this is the fun part, members post pics of what they've been making. The Wardrobe Refashion website is super fun! I'm excited about this. So here I go:

I Drennan AKA Pajama Dren pledge that I shall abstain from the purchase of "new" manufactured items of clothing, for the period of 2 months. I pledge that i shall refashion, renovate, recycle preloved items for myself with my own hands in fabric, yarn or other medium for the term of my contract. I pledge that I will share the love and post a photo of my refashioned, renovoated, recylcled, crafted or created item of clothing on the Wardrobe Refashion blog, so that others may share the joy that my thriftyness brings!

Great Crafters Magazines

I've recently discovered two really wonderful, hip, fresh, fun magazines devoted to crafting. They both have really great web sites as well, with all kinds of projects and ideas for free on the web.

First, is Craft. Zee introduced me to this one. And they have tons of cool ideas, although many of them are rather complicated. But the web site's got, I think, all the same stuff as the magazine. I loved the Harajuku-inspired tee shirt in issue 3, and I hope to make one myself soon.

My other fave is Adorn. Their web site is less extensive than Craft's, but they still have some fun projects avaliable, including the cutest passport organizer in the most recent issue. A subscription to Adorn is less expensive than Craft, and Adorn's project seem simpler and, quite frankly, more manageable.

I guess that I'm excited to know that it doesn't all have to be my mother's embroidery or sewing or whatever (no offense, mom) but that there are all these hip, funky things out there.

Oh, DIY TV has a great program called Stylelicious. It's got the same young, hip vibe. I've not poked around the website too much, but the program has fun, manageable ideas.

Anyway, I guess that, maybe indirectly, this post says a lot about what's been on my mind lately.

OK, I'm going to resist the temptation to post this long apologetic thing about why I haven't been posting. There's really no good explanation, except for that I was really depressed, badly depressed for quite a while. But I'm feeling so, so much better lately. I'm feeling like a normal person anyway. And I'm getting actual work done, which makes me so much more content in that day-to-day sort of way. It's like I suddenly feel like my existence matters when I'm able to work. But the weird thing is that there was nothing beyond depression and anxiety keeping me from working in the first place.

The other thing about being non-depressed is that I can, again, enjoy the really simple things, like cooking and reading and writing. I mean, when I'm depressed, it's like there's no pleasure in anything. But when I'm feeling just normal, the little things, like a really good cup of coffee or a really great murder mystery, bring me so much pleasure. But when I'm depressed, really depressed, I can hardly bring myself to do all those things, much less enjoy them. So I guess what I'm really trying to say is that it feels really, really good to just feel normal. It's so exciting to have read Harry Potter all weekend and to have actually enjoyed it. I guess that when I'm depressed (and maybe this is the thing with all depression--I don't know), I expend so much energy just trying to make myself do the things that have to be done, like getting out of bed and taking a shower and going to work and doing the dishes and going to bed on time, that there's no energy at all for anything fun. I realized as I spiraled back up, out of depression, that I couldn't even remember the last time I'd done anything fun. And aside from that, I think it would be good for me to try to have more fun in my life. But when I'm depressed, just the essentials are all I can handle, and even the essentials are sometimes more than I can handle. I'm just so thankful and relieved and happy to feel like a normal person again.

So thanks if you've read all this. It's not particularly interesting or insightful, I know. It's all even kind of self-indulgent. But I do think it's maybe, probably what I needed to write just now.

Emotional "Funk"

So, try as I might, and believe me, I'm trying everything I know, I can't seem to pull myself out of whatever emotional funk I'm in at the moment. And I feel frustrated because I've exhausted nearly all the normal avenues that I perceive to combat depression and anxiety and all that. It's all somehow exhausting. Just getting through the day feels like about all I can handle with on most days. I realize that I'm getting all broken-record and stuff. I guess I just keep blogging, even when I don't have much to say, because it's a way to feel slightly less isolated. But it's hard. Anyway, I'm still here and still trying.

Anxiety

OK, so the last four days or so, my anxiety has been pretty bad. And it gets really, really discouraging sometimes. When I'm really anxious, it's like I cannot concentrate on anything--work, pleasure reading, watching a movie. And it's just about the most frustrating, discouraging thing in the world. There are days, literally, when I am afraid that I won't be able to get through teaching a 50-minute class period. And although I sometimes feel like I can't do it, I most often manage to get through teaching, but it seems to take so much out of me that I can only crash afterwards. It's like fighting off the anxiety uses all the emotional reserves and resources that I can muster.

Starting about mid-March, I'd decided I wanted, as soon as school was out for the summer, I wanted to reread the Harry Potter series, in anticipation of the final book being released later this month. And I get so anxious that I too often can't settle down and read. And the really weird part about it all is that I just feel so apathetic (talked to J.S. about this the other day--he agrees that this particular apathy could be, seems like a symptom of depression. It's sad that something, Harry Potter, that used to bring so much pleasure on rereading just seems so flat, so unimportant).

However, I have discovered a tremendous help in my struggle against anxiety. A psychologist named Frank Lawlis (who is also Dr.Phil's mentor) has a series of relaxation CDs that I find tremendously helpful. They seem to be exercises based very much in biofeedback training and in simple breath observation meditiation. Here's a link, if anyone's interested:

http://www.mindbodyseries.com/

I admit that the set-up of the web site looks rather cheezy, but I'm using the series on general relaxation, and I do find it useful. I often listen to the disk as I'm falling asleep. And when I'm feeling super anxious, I listen too. It really does help me calm down and focus. I've loaded the program onto my iPod, and that way I can have it with me wherever I go, in case I'm out and about and get all panicky. This happened today between classes. I was only able to listen to about 5 minutes of the 20ish minute program, but it helped. And on the one hand, carrying around my iPod to cope with panic attacks seems a little extreme, maybe even neurotic. But it really does help, and I'm convinced it's a healthy way to deal with it all.

Guinnie is All Ready For the Fourth!

They are forecasting thunderstorms for tomorrow, July 4. But not to worry because Guinnie is all set. She's got her slicker on and is ready to par-tay!