I'm at work. And today is Tuesday. And classes start Monday. Which means that I have less than a week to get my act together. So, I really should be reading feminist theory and thinking about all kinds of challenging intellectual things and typing up notes and all that. But all I really want to do is go home and sew (I'm making the best dress ever--so excited!) and cook and read murder mysteries. And I guess that isn't very feminist-scholar of me, but I don't really care, because somehow working with my hands and creating brings me great joy that feminist theory just doesn't. And the other thing I really want to do is listen to the same Willie Nelson songs, especially "Red Headed Stranger" over and over. On 2 September, A. and I have tickets to see Willie and Merle Haggard ("The Hag"), and I'm all gearing up for that. Again, I suppose it's neither very feminist or scholarly of me, but it brings me great joy. Oh, "Blue Eyes Cryin' in the Rain" just came on the iPod. (What did I do pre-iPod????), and it's so much more exciting than Kristeva and Irigaray and whoever else. I don't know--designing clothes and making Mexican food in the evenings is just so much better than work, somehow. I mean, I really enjoy my job, and once the semester starts, I'm sure I'll be back into the routine of it all. But just now, I want to go back to my Bakersfield, 4-H (the place I learned to sew), not-quite-redneck roots and enjoy all those other things that work sometimes keeps me from.

Insomnia

It is now 1:21 am. And I am not asleep. When I'm working, when I'm productive, I'm totally an early to bed, early to rise type of girl. But lately, it's like I just can't get to sleep. This is really not anything new: I've been plagued by insomnia since childhood. Literally. Lately, I've been having really upsetting dreams, and I get in bed and am tired but feel anxious about going to sleep because I don't want to wake up all panicked or sad or hurt over some incredibly vivid dream that I've been having. And I do wake up that way at, say, 4:00, and it's difficult to get back to sleep. But tonight, and this is weird, I was lying in bed and kept thinking of Neil Gaiman's novel American Gods, which I read maybe a year or 18 months ago. And when I read it, I remember enjoying it and being rather enchanted by Gaiman's use of myth. But what I really loved was the concept that the gods, mostly European, who were brought to the States by immigrants, tend to congregate at and find power in crazy roadside attractions, like Wall Drug, for example. They are the types of roadside attractions

OK, SIDE NOTE: I'M NOW WATCHING THE SERIES PREMIER OF NEWPORT HARBOR: THE REAL ORANGE COUNTY. I HAVE A THING FOR OC REALITY PROGRAMS, WITH THE REAL HOUSEWIVES BEING MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE.

K, back to Gaiman. They are the types of roadside attractions that are really campy but somehow seared into the collective American imagination. And my sense is that Gaiman has really had a stroke of genius in citing these locations as locations of primeval power. Is this like J. Campbell and the world navel thing? I forget how that works. Of course, Gaiman's gods explains that the roadside attractions have sprung up where they have because people are drawn to them because they are primeval, mythic places of power. But I guess that most of us normal mortals aren't aware of this on a conscious level. But the larger point is that as I can't sleep tonight, I keep thinking about this, about what it means. I think that what it means for me is that maybe I should read more Gaiman, because, clearly, I find him both entertaining and engaging. Maybe I'll pick up Anansi Boys soon.

On Weight Loss and Exercise and Eating Healthier and Feeling Better:

I am writing this post, as much as anything, to be a reminder to myself a couple of weeks from now when I want to give up. I am back on the Weight Watchers program (I totally recommend Weight Watchers Online, by the way), and although I've not been working at it long enough to lose any weight (yet!), I feel so much better, both physically and emotionally. So here's the lesson: eating healthy foods and lots of veggies and less cheesecake is so worth it, even if I never lose weight, because I simply feel so much better. And I've been slowly incorporating more exercise--Pilates, yoga, dance aerobics--into my schedule. I'm not exercising a whole lot (yet!), but I still feel so much better. Physically, I simply feel better, and it's good emotionally, because I feel like I'm accomplishing something. I know that none of this is like any big revelation, but I think that it's probably good for me to have this reminder: taking care of myself pays off, even in the immediate. If I never lose weight, which I do really want, eating satisfying, healthy foods and exercising is an important way to be healthy and to live in the present.

Just one More Doggie Pic. . .

Here's Polly all night-night. Isn't she just about the cutest thing you've ever seen. I know that I tend to go kinda overboard with the pics of my dogs, but please, just humor me. I just think they are the cutest, funniest, sweetest things in the whole world.

Polly in Bed

Ok, the rule is that dogs are not allowed on the bed. But of course, that doesn't stop Polly. Every morning, I make my bed, and as soon as I leave the house, Polly makes herself comfortable by rearranging the pillows to suit her. Here she is, all comfy-cozy in my bed.

There's A Mouse in my Toilet

When I went downstairs this morning, this is what I found. Yes, it's dead. Of course, I panicked. And I called my dad. He said it would be OK to just flush it, but I can't bring myself to do it, so I'll have to wait until tonight when Alan has time to flush it for me. It's all been very traumatic.

Rainy Days and Mondays Always . . .

. . .make me pretty happy, when I can spend them at home, with a good murder mystery and a pot of tea and the pups. Guinnie has been extra cuddly lately (this is out of character, and I attribute it to A's influence on her), and it's so nice to be home in the quiet with nothing to do besides read and sew and cook and whatever else I want to do.

And I'm back on the Weight Watchers wagon--hooray! I am eating the most wonderful salad with chickpeas and feta on top of greens and tomatoes. I'm a firm believer that a small amount of wonderful cheese and some protein--chickpeas, nuts, canned tuna, smoked salmon, whatever--is the secret to a good salad, although fruit, especially dried cranberries, can be substituted for the protein.

But more importantly, it's good to feel excited about the little things, like sewing and salad, you know? It's just good to be non-depressed. Anyway, there's not too much "exciting" going on to report, and quite honestly, that's the way I like things. I've been on a sewing kick; I think it's that I'm feeling like a need some new things (or at least some things that actually fit!) before school starts in a few weeks. I always look forward to the start of the new school year. It feels like New Year's Day or something, like starting over fresh. And autumn is my favorite time of year, especially since moving to New England. For the first time in too long, I'm excited about the future while being comfortable in and thankful for the present. This is a big deal to me, a big sort of change from how I was feeling not too long ago.

This Blog Has Become Unmanageable or Maybe Just Schizophrenic--Seeking Contributors for Collaborative Blogs

I often feel like my blog lacks focus. Some days it's about cooking, and some days it's about what I've been reading, and some days it's about depression (I don't like those days). And it seems like maybe it's OK to lack focus, because then it just becomes a blog about who I am and what's going on in my life. I've compared it to the Golden Notebook before, and I can be OK with that.

At the same time, I have a fantasy about having other, more focused, possibly collaborative blogs. I mean, I'd love a blog devoted to crafting where several of us could be posting pics of our projects, offering suggestions, that sort of thing. And I'd love a collaborative kind of thing where we could post something about new favorite recipes and that kind of thing. And of course, a bookish blog is always good. If any of you are interested in forming more specifically focused blogs, communities really, let me know. I think it could be tons of fun. Oh, I'd be all for a writer's blog as well.

Not Buying It: August and September

During July, I had intended, among other things, to not eat out. And honest, I failed miserably. It worked for, like, a week. I'd like to say that I've learned something from the experience. But I haven't. However--and I'm really excited about this--I've given up buying clothing for the next two months. I've signed up for this interesting group / blog, where members take a pledge to not buy clothes for a two-, four-, or six-month period and instead to make clothes, reinvent and restructure old clothes, or even buy at a thrift store with the intention of reinventing and recycling. Then, and this is the fun part, members post pics of what they've been making. The Wardrobe Refashion website is super fun! I'm excited about this. So here I go:

I Drennan AKA Pajama Dren pledge that I shall abstain from the purchase of "new" manufactured items of clothing, for the period of 2 months. I pledge that i shall refashion, renovate, recycle preloved items for myself with my own hands in fabric, yarn or other medium for the term of my contract. I pledge that I will share the love and post a photo of my refashioned, renovoated, recylcled, crafted or created item of clothing on the Wardrobe Refashion blog, so that others may share the joy that my thriftyness brings!

Great Crafters Magazines

I've recently discovered two really wonderful, hip, fresh, fun magazines devoted to crafting. They both have really great web sites as well, with all kinds of projects and ideas for free on the web.

First, is Craft. Zee introduced me to this one. And they have tons of cool ideas, although many of them are rather complicated. But the web site's got, I think, all the same stuff as the magazine. I loved the Harajuku-inspired tee shirt in issue 3, and I hope to make one myself soon.

My other fave is Adorn. Their web site is less extensive than Craft's, but they still have some fun projects avaliable, including the cutest passport organizer in the most recent issue. A subscription to Adorn is less expensive than Craft, and Adorn's project seem simpler and, quite frankly, more manageable.

I guess that I'm excited to know that it doesn't all have to be my mother's embroidery or sewing or whatever (no offense, mom) but that there are all these hip, funky things out there.

Oh, DIY TV has a great program called Stylelicious. It's got the same young, hip vibe. I've not poked around the website too much, but the program has fun, manageable ideas.

Anyway, I guess that, maybe indirectly, this post says a lot about what's been on my mind lately.

OK, I'm going to resist the temptation to post this long apologetic thing about why I haven't been posting. There's really no good explanation, except for that I was really depressed, badly depressed for quite a while. But I'm feeling so, so much better lately. I'm feeling like a normal person anyway. And I'm getting actual work done, which makes me so much more content in that day-to-day sort of way. It's like I suddenly feel like my existence matters when I'm able to work. But the weird thing is that there was nothing beyond depression and anxiety keeping me from working in the first place.

The other thing about being non-depressed is that I can, again, enjoy the really simple things, like cooking and reading and writing. I mean, when I'm depressed, it's like there's no pleasure in anything. But when I'm feeling just normal, the little things, like a really good cup of coffee or a really great murder mystery, bring me so much pleasure. But when I'm depressed, really depressed, I can hardly bring myself to do all those things, much less enjoy them. So I guess what I'm really trying to say is that it feels really, really good to just feel normal. It's so exciting to have read Harry Potter all weekend and to have actually enjoyed it. I guess that when I'm depressed (and maybe this is the thing with all depression--I don't know), I expend so much energy just trying to make myself do the things that have to be done, like getting out of bed and taking a shower and going to work and doing the dishes and going to bed on time, that there's no energy at all for anything fun. I realized as I spiraled back up, out of depression, that I couldn't even remember the last time I'd done anything fun. And aside from that, I think it would be good for me to try to have more fun in my life. But when I'm depressed, just the essentials are all I can handle, and even the essentials are sometimes more than I can handle. I'm just so thankful and relieved and happy to feel like a normal person again.

So thanks if you've read all this. It's not particularly interesting or insightful, I know. It's all even kind of self-indulgent. But I do think it's maybe, probably what I needed to write just now.

Emotional "Funk"

So, try as I might, and believe me, I'm trying everything I know, I can't seem to pull myself out of whatever emotional funk I'm in at the moment. And I feel frustrated because I've exhausted nearly all the normal avenues that I perceive to combat depression and anxiety and all that. It's all somehow exhausting. Just getting through the day feels like about all I can handle with on most days. I realize that I'm getting all broken-record and stuff. I guess I just keep blogging, even when I don't have much to say, because it's a way to feel slightly less isolated. But it's hard. Anyway, I'm still here and still trying.

Anxiety

OK, so the last four days or so, my anxiety has been pretty bad. And it gets really, really discouraging sometimes. When I'm really anxious, it's like I cannot concentrate on anything--work, pleasure reading, watching a movie. And it's just about the most frustrating, discouraging thing in the world. There are days, literally, when I am afraid that I won't be able to get through teaching a 50-minute class period. And although I sometimes feel like I can't do it, I most often manage to get through teaching, but it seems to take so much out of me that I can only crash afterwards. It's like fighting off the anxiety uses all the emotional reserves and resources that I can muster.

Starting about mid-March, I'd decided I wanted, as soon as school was out for the summer, I wanted to reread the Harry Potter series, in anticipation of the final book being released later this month. And I get so anxious that I too often can't settle down and read. And the really weird part about it all is that I just feel so apathetic (talked to J.S. about this the other day--he agrees that this particular apathy could be, seems like a symptom of depression. It's sad that something, Harry Potter, that used to bring so much pleasure on rereading just seems so flat, so unimportant).

However, I have discovered a tremendous help in my struggle against anxiety. A psychologist named Frank Lawlis (who is also Dr.Phil's mentor) has a series of relaxation CDs that I find tremendously helpful. They seem to be exercises based very much in biofeedback training and in simple breath observation meditiation. Here's a link, if anyone's interested:

http://www.mindbodyseries.com/

I admit that the set-up of the web site looks rather cheezy, but I'm using the series on general relaxation, and I do find it useful. I often listen to the disk as I'm falling asleep. And when I'm feeling super anxious, I listen too. It really does help me calm down and focus. I've loaded the program onto my iPod, and that way I can have it with me wherever I go, in case I'm out and about and get all panicky. This happened today between classes. I was only able to listen to about 5 minutes of the 20ish minute program, but it helped. And on the one hand, carrying around my iPod to cope with panic attacks seems a little extreme, maybe even neurotic. But it really does help, and I'm convinced it's a healthy way to deal with it all.

Guinnie is All Ready For the Fourth!

They are forecasting thunderstorms for tomorrow, July 4. But not to worry because Guinnie is all set. She's got her slicker on and is ready to par-tay!

Detox Diet Day Two--I Miss Bread

OK, I should have anticipated this. I feel really good physically, eating lots of veggies and such. But I really miss bread just about now. The bakery in the local grocery store makes this really great olive oil rosemary bread. And I'm so craving it. With lots of butter, naturally. While there's all kinds of good stuff out there that I can and even should eat, I'm longing for a carb binge. You know, I want lots and lots of refined carbs, preferably with dairy on top. I love to make (and A. can attest to this, as he's often the receipent / victim of my cooking) real Mac and Cheese. I've nothing against Kraft and will gladly eat Mac and Cheese out of a box, but there's something incredibly comforting about making cheese sauce from cream and butter and garlic and shredded cheddar while the pasta is boiling. *sigh* I suppose I'm just making myself want all this stuff more by sitting here and dwelling on it.

Maybe I'd be better off thinking about all the yummy things I have been eating. I'm sure I mentioned this yesterday, but I made this great Indian-inspired lentil soupy stuff. And it was wonderful and comforting and makes a complete protein when eaten with brown rice, right? And yesterday evening, I was very hungry and made this great salad and it was beautiful and wonderful and satisfying. And in some ways, this whole detox diet feels like rediscovering all this really great stuff, like the joy of a beautiful, wonderful green salad.

One of My Better Ideas

So about an hour ago, I wanted to take a shower and exfoliate. And I was convinced that I had some sort of lavender salt or sugar scrub, probably from Bath and Body Works. But I couldn't find said scrub. And that's the kind of thing that really annoys and frustrates me, you know? It's the whole, "I know it's got to be here somewhere. Am I just crazy?" So after a fruitless search, I decided that I should be able to whip up some sort of sugar scrub in the kitchen. I googled and experiemented, and here it is:

All you need are equal parts white, plain, cheap sugar and olive oil. I threw in a little lemon balm and a little lavender from my yard. But it was totally great. My skin is soft and smooth. It worked at least as well as, probably better than, many expensive scrubs I've bought.

Plus, you know, there's the whole added bonus of feeling really smart somehow.

Jicama

OK, I want to say that I LOVE jicama, and I cannot figure out why we're not all eating it more often. Weight Watchers says that, like so many veggies, it's a zero-point food. What that basically means is that one can eat as much of it as one wants. So it's all, you know, good for you and stuff. But I love the texture of it. It's so crunchy, and it almost, but not quite, satisfies the desire for potato chips. I love it plain, love it with lemon juice and chili powder, love it dipped in hummus. Jicama is just so great. It's kinda ugly, I guess. Maybe that's why we don't bother with it more often--I don't know. But right here and now, I am vowing to eat more jicama.

The Detox Diet

OK, so as I'm kicking off my "Living Well Through Acquiring Less" project (and I'm feeling like the project maybe deserves its own blog, maybe a collective kind of thing, if anyone else is interested in simplifying and experimenting and all that!), I have decided to do a two-week cleansing, detox thing. And I'm excited about it. Basically, I'm eating this really basic, vegan-like diet. No dairy, no meat, no animal products at all. Lots of fruits and veggies. And only very simple grains and such--I'm planning brown basmati (my fav!) and an Indian-inspired lentil / daal kind of soup. It's all kinda exciting. Lately, I don't necessarily feel sick, but I too often just feel not good. So my plan is to cut my diet way back to really basic, healthy stuff, just to see how it makes me feel. And from there, I want to slowly add in dairy and maybe just seafood.

I'm also taking a program of detox herbal supplements.

Here's the thing: detox plans that I've read about all recommend that one give up caffeine. And really, I'm just not willing to do it. I could even give up coffee for a while (BTW I anticipate that cream in my coffee is the thing I'll miss most during this whole detox period), but I'm just not willing to let go of tea. It provides so much comfort and fun and whatever. I guess that it seems like keeping tea around is an OK tradeoff.

Anyway, that's it--my detox plan! I'll let you know how it goes.

Living More, Buying Less--July: Eating Out

I know that this isn't any new kind of concept. But I have decided that for this month (and depending on how it all goes, next month and the month after) to give up one thing. I've been reading a book by Mary Carlomagno titled Give It Up!: My Year of Learning to Live Better with Less. And it's not an especially well written book. However, I'm borrowing Carlomagno's idea here. Each month for a year she gives up something that "has a personal and significant 'ouch' factor." She writes that her "selections were designed to push [her] out of [her] traditional comfort zone, where a change in habits would force uneasiness, questions, and finally scrutiny." After discussing consumerism and her need to acquire "stuff," Carlomagno writes "This year of living without forced me to put my habits of accumulation on hold, ultimately giving way to an awareness and enjoyment of the things in life that I was bledded to have and be part of. . . [T]he biggest lesson of all was not about what I had given up, but what I had gained."

And so, with the idea of performing an experiment, I have decided to give up one thing this month, and I've chosen eating out. I'm a little bit nervous about it really. I mean, what will happen when on a Sunday afternoon, I decide that I NEED Chinese take-out? Or what will happen when I miss out on a fun social event because I'm not eating out. But it's only a month, right? I can do this. Well, we'll see how it goes.

Emotional Eating

Sometimes, I feel like all I do is eat. And I don't know. It's like I feel crappy or lonely or deprived in some way, and of course the obvious answer is to eat. Now those of you who aren't emotional eaters probably don't get this, I know. And once I eat, you know for emotional reasons, I feel even worse, although in the middle of it all, it feels pretty good. But it's a cycle, a habit that I want to break. I don't think I'm quite to the point of needing Overeaters Anonymous (not quite yet anyway) but I'm so frustrated and ashamed, really. I mean, not only do I feel crappy about my weight lately, but more significantly, I feel crappy about myself, about who I am as a person. And I do believe that part of the problem here is that I keep trying to change my outside, when what I maybe need to work on is changing myself from the inside out. I'm sorry if this isn't so coherent; I'm really just working through all this in my own head.

I do (and this is the good news) have an action plan. At least, I'm working on an action plan, reading and writing and thinking about how I'm going to work through not the emotional eating necessarily but whatever the deeper issue is. I mean, I believe that emotional eating comes from somewhere, that it happens because I'm not dealing with stress or worry or whatever in a healthy way. And I'm working on finding that healthy way. In fact (wow, I feel a little funny saying this) I've started Emotions Anonymous. EA is like AA in that it's the same kind of 12-step program, but clearly, it has a different focus. I've been reading up on it and all, and I believe that this is at least part of the solution, a step in the right direction. But it's somehow a painful step to make.