Summer School

Ok, so maybe I'm just being a big baby here--wouldn't be the first time--but I'm so thankful that this is the last week of summer school. For some reason, I had the misguided idea that teaching summer school would somehow be less stress than teaching during the regular term. I've taught summer school many times before. In fact, last summer was the first summer since I started teaching that I didn't teach at all over the summer. And in the past, it's been a positive experience. The crop of students and the workload has just been different than during the regular academic year. But this summer, the bottom dropped out, I suppose. It's not that summer school has been an inordinate amount of work, because the actual number of hours I spend working seems quite managable, certainly no more than during the regular year. The stress, however, has been nearly overwhelming. Seriously, there were several times last week and the week before when I was concerned that I'd have a panic attack and not be able to teach. Of course, I didn't have a panic attact, not at all, but the anxiety has really been bad. My neck and shoulders have been all tight and uncomfortable for the last ten days. Anyway, all of this to say one thing: I am so thankful that this is the last week. Then, in just a couple more weeks, California, here I come!!!

Virginia Woolf's The Years

Ok, this kind of thing drives me crazy, well, crazier than usual anyway. I'm working on reorganizing my books (and I'm entering them into librarything.com, just because I'm neurotic, I think), and I cannot find my copy of Woolf's The Years. I know I purchased a copy in December or January. And I know that I read it. In fact, I distinctly remember sitting at the coffee shop downtown reading and then calling Dolce Carina and goin on and on about how wonderful it was. I know I own this book! But I can't find it anywhere. And sure, I could buy another copy or whatever. Rationally, I know this isn't that big of a deal, but it's got to be somewhere, right? This kind of thing really bothers me. I wish I could just calm down and be normal, you know?

Student: I don't know why you keep giving me Cs on my essays. You keep saying bring up pacific examples, and I do bring up pacific examples. I don't know how more pacific I can be. Every time you write "be more pacific," and I do be more pacific, but you keep giving me Cs anyway.

Instructor: Would you like to make an appointment so that we can talk about this in more detail and work on improving your work?

Student: I don't know what the point would be. It seems pointless. No matter what I do, and I do be pacific, you keep giving me Cs. It's pointless.

Instructor: So are you saying you don't want to work with me outside of class?

Student: I don't know what the point would be. You give me Cs.

Instructor: The point would be that we'd sit down together, look at all your work, and talk about strategies for improving it.

Student: I brought you my rough draft that one time, and you told me what to do, and I did it. And even the rough draft you said was passing quality, and then you gave me a C anyway.

Instructor: Yes, passing quality. That's what a C means--passing.

Student: I didn't take this class to get a C.

Instructor (to herself): Well, you certainly didn't taken this class in order to learn anything.

A Survey

Ok, I have a question for the group: Do all of you know the difference between the words "specific" and "Pacific"? Because apparently some of my students think they can be used interchangeably. Am I merely expecting too much? I could scream!

Reminder to self: The work is its own reward!

I just ate the most wonderful dinner. I had this great open faced turkey burger with sauteed onion and mushrooms and gorgonzola. It was just really, really wonderful. I get excited about things like really good food.

My other project of the moment is that I'm cataloging all my books on Library Thing, which is this really fun (or maybe it's just fun for compulsive types) web site. As soon as I get things entered, I'll post a link so that you can view my virtual library or whatever. The compulsive part inside me has always wanted to type up little tags with Library of Congress call numbers so that I can organize my books accordingly. I suppose that would be going a bit far, but I just keep thinking of the deep feeling of fulfillment I'd get from such an accomplishment.

What Do I Do?

Sometimes, I wonder and wonder what I do with my time. Today, for instance, I find myself lying on the bed drinking tea, cuddling with my dogs, thinking about Dolce Carina and A.H. who sent me the most encouraging e-mail earlier in the week, and reading Anne Lamott's Bird by Brid, hoping Lamott will inspire me to get off my backside and start writing. When what I know I'm really doing is NOT writing and NOT doing the cleaning that needs to be done and NOT organizing the mess in what I'm calling my office. Only the term "office" implies that work or creativity or something is going on in that space, but it isn't. And I wonder, "What do I do with myself each day?" and, "Why aren't I doing the things that would make me happy and healthy?" and, "Why am I drinking pink sparkling wine with nachos for lunch?" And at that moment, I am afraid I'll fall apart. I think it was the recognition that I'd eaten nothing BUT nachos and cookies for the last 36 hours and there I was eating nachos again, but this time with tepid tea and sparking wine thrown into the mix. So here I am, at least writing something, no matter how innane. But I hope that someone will understand, will understand the picture of me lying on the bed and, oh I forgot to mention that while I'm doing all this other crap the Sci-Fi Channel's Twilight Zone marathon is running rather softly in the background. SIDE NOTE: One thing I LOVE about the Fourth of July holiday is the TV marathons. Currently, I'm trying to decide: Do I do productive things on the Fourth, or do I watch USA's Monk marathon all day long? Sad, isn't it, that I watch so much TV. I didn't used to be this way. But there it is.

It seemed like this rant was in order. If nothing else, I'm being honest about the state I'm in, and that's a good thing. Sometimes this state of things seems pointless, but then I realize, that I'm more relaxed in the last six weeks, since moving really, than I have been in years, quite literally. I suspect that's worth a lot in terms of my overall health and attitude and productivity. So maybe it's OK to spend Sunday afternoon listening to the Twilight Zone and reading and promising myself that tomorrow I will organize my so-called office. Maybe learning to relax is the most valuable thing I could learn just right now.

The Power of Pretend

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the power and the results, really, that seem to come from pretending. Last year, as I was writing my dissertation, a real pain in the backside, my strategy was to go into my office each day, all summer long and pretend to work on my diss for the eight-hour work day. My idea was that if I went in and sat there and pretended for long enough, eventually I'd get so bored that I'd get down to work. And it totally worked! I'd pretend for a while and eventually I'd notice that I'd be getting work done. Since then, I've applied the pretend principle to a number of areas of my life. I'd go to my office and pretend to work on other things, and work would almost magically happen. I have often struggled with insomnia. When I'm tired, I tell myself that I'll get in bed and pretend to sleep. Pretend is good enough. That got rid of some of the pressure to get to sleep. I think only people who have experienced it will understand. But the thing is that eventually sleep just happens.

So recently, I read that if one is in a bad mood or feeling depressed or whatever, the thing to do is to pretend, to act like one is feeling A-OK about life. And it works! When I think I'm in a bad mood, I try to get out of the house and behave as though I'm loving life. Eventually, I forget about the discouragement, and I am loving life. Just today, I had this weird, horrible, awful conflict with a student. During the confrontation, I felt not just irritated and frustrated, as often happens, but actually threatened by this large male specimen yelling at me. I left work feeling oh-so-frustrated. But I came home and decided to pretend. I pretended that I was celebrating. I made myself a fun, light supper. I opened a bottle of this great pink champagne. And I pretended that I was celebrating life and all my successes. And the pretend paid off. Suddenly (and I don't think it was just the alcohol), I felt like I actually had much to celebrate.

More and more, I believe in the power of pretend. I believe that if I behave as though I'm excited and positive about life, I will feel it. And if I pretend that everything will be Ok someday, maybe it will be.

Things (From the Mundane to the Miraculous) for Which I Feel Thankful Today

1. That Ruby was born healthy

2. That the sun is shining

3. My iPod (Still so in love!)

4. Really good dinners

5. Having a job that I enjoy (well, I enjoy it most of the time!)

6. Living in such a wonderful, perfect house

7. Living in such a wonderful, perfect house on such a beautiful piece of property

8. Emma and Lauren

9. Jake, Cheri, and John

10. Mexican food

11. That my parents are actually still married to one another--seems like so many in my generation are the children of divorced parents!

12. Guinnie and Polly

13. Really mindless television

14. Really intelligent television

15. Hugh Laurie

16. Cara, Cortney, Joy, and everyone else I love

17. My physical health

18. Emotional healing

19. The ability to read and write

AND

20. The Beatles

A Newfound Resolve to Blog

Ok, I know that I've not been blogging with any kind of regularity lately. There are, I think, any number of reasons for that, but they really don't matter all that much, so I'll spare you the details. I have, however, resolved to blog more frequently starting now. I rather regret letting it slide the past few weeks, I have to say, in part because I've read such interesting things, and it would be useful to have a record of what I've read and what I've been thinking about it. And maybe I'll come back to it. Let me say this: Anne Lamott is like meeting a new friend. Also, Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking was emotionally difficult to read (it's about the year after her husband of 40 some years dies unexpectedly) but is beautifully written. This just confirms my sense that Didion is a brilliant writer. Also, simply not reading fiction all the time is different for me.

But here I am with my renewed resolve to blog. My goal, as before, is to write at least one entry each day, even if it's a short, mundane entry. The important think, for me, is that I simply keep writing. It's like treading water, in some ways. It doesn't seem to always get me where I want to go, but it at least keeps my head above water until I figure out something better. My secondary goal is to write at least something, even two sentences, about each book-length thing I read. Incidentally, I just started Lamott's Bird by Bird. It seems encouraging. But maybe it's just that I like Lamott's voice as a writer.

I'm also reading Camille Paglia. Paglia, for those of you who don't know her work (and I'm not suggesting that you should) is this crazy, outspoken anti-feminist feminist. And she's got this almost frenetic energy that seems to drive her work. Although I don't necessarily agree with her, I always find her writing insightful. By that, I mean that I feel like I'm learning something or at least having to think. One thing I enjoy about Paglia is that she draws her examples from this wide array of Western culture, citing classical myth, art history, and contemporary pop culture to make one point. She's so sweeping in her range and also in her assertions, and she allows few objections. I'm fascinated by her rhetorical approach as well as her knowledge. I do have to say this, however: I am reading feminist stuff again. I seem to turn to this at uncomfortable, unsettled points in my personal life, although I'm not feeling especially unsettled at the moment. So I don't know what's going on. As far as I'm aware, I'm relatively content. I do start to wonder what's going on when feminism is appealing to me.

And so there it is, the update on what's really important in my life.

Just a Couple More Pics

I really LOVE my deck, but these pictures don't do it justice.

Planters on the Deck

Ok, these aren't the greatest pics, but I'm posting them mostly for the benefit of my mom. These show the planters and the new furniture on my deck. I wish I could take a pic that showed the whole thing, but I can't get it all to fit in a single picture.

I'm having rather a rough time emotionally lately, and the worst part of it is that I feel like it's all my fault yet I'm not fixing it. I am so frustrated, mostly with myself. And my anxiety is pretty bad. I don't know what to do. I'm just so irritated. Relaxing is really hard lately.

I guess the thing is that I don't do all the things each day that I think I'm supposed to do: yoga, pray, meditate, write. And I'm annoyed with myself. Yet I don't seem to do anything about it.

I know, also, that I've fallen behind on correspondence and such. If any of you bother to read this blog anymore, I apologize for not being a better friend. I'm not sure what's going on with me, other than I can't seem to get anything done. But I can't relax either.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Anne Lammot

Just wanted to say real quick that I'm reading Anne Lammot, and she's pretty amazing.

I really promise to blog more often; I need it!

D

"Sucks to your ass-mar"

So I've just been diagnosed with a "reactive airway," which according to my doctor is what "we used to call asthma." Apparently, "asthma" is a relatively broad term, and the medical establishment is trying to be more precise. It's really not all that big of a deal, for the most part. I have this cough that won't go away, but that's about it. And I can use an inhaler to open my air ways. The thing is that the inhaler makes me feel all amped, you know? Like I've had about three too many lattes. So I try not to use it at night.

Sometimes, I lie in bed and cough and can't stop. And all I can think is, "Sucks to your ass-mar." And that just makes me giggle which, in turn, makes me cough even more.

Green Beans

I just ate the yummiest green beans. My digestive system seems all "off" lately, and I've been feeling kinda icky. I attribute it to eating too much fried stuff and carbs. Since moving, all I want is bread, pasta, pizza, and fried sea food--not a very healthy diet. So for the next couple of days, I am only eating fruits, veggies, yogurt, and soy milk. Using EVOO and spices is fine, you know, to season and dress things. But I feel like I just need to eat really natural, cleansing kinds of stuff for a while to get back on track.

So earlier, I just quickly boiled some frozen green beans, just until they were tender, not soft and gushy. I should add that I particularly like green beans prepared just about any way. I felt like Rachel Ray or something though when I tossed them in a little sesame oil, rice vineggar, soy sauce, a tiny bit of onion and garlic powders, and a tiny dash of hot sauce. It was just like yummy, healthy, Asian green beans. Seriously, I've been watching way too much Rachel Ray. But it was divinely good!

House Pics--Interior

These shots aren't very good and don't really do justice to the interior, but here you go anyway. What they don't reflect at all are the cathedral-style ceilings in the living area. The kitchen / dining / living rooms are really one open, kind of great room.

This is the living room. What you can see here is the great window, which has a lovely view. You can also see (just a little) my new furniture.









This is a shot of the kitchen, which is still rather a mess. It's not a huge kitchen, although much bigger than what I had at my last apartment. But it's a great lay out in that the space is all totally usable. The window looks out to a gorgeous back yard.












This is the dining area, which is separated from the kitchen just by a bar. It has a great sliding glass door, as you can see, that opens onto the deck and provides this great view of the back yard. The sliding glass door is nice, as it allows Guinnie and Polly to bask in the sun.












Finally, this pic shows the view from the glass door in the dining area.

House pics--Exterior

Some of these aren't the greatest, as things are still rather disorganized around the place. But this will give you a sense of what it's like and of the projects I've been working on. I think the layout of the pics on this page may end up being kinda wacky--I have trouble with getting them just right!

Here's the front yard and the front side of the house. I just installed the solar lights along the walk way.















This is a shot of the back yard, which is quite spacious. What you can't see here is that there's a great little brook running just behind the trees. I can hear it gurgguling along when I sit in my HOT TUB!








Here's the back yard from another angle. You should note my two tier deck with a large HOT TUB! It's beautiful in the evenings to sit on the deck and listen to the birds and the brook--no city noises really. I've been working on water-sealing the deck the past couple of days

Steven Winwood, Yoga, and Emotional Eating

Here's a confession: once in a while, I enjoy Steve Winwood. There's something about Steven Winwood and George Michael that takes me back to about 8th grade. And I get nostalgic for a world that seemed simpler. However, I'm pretty sure that I'm a better person now. At the very least, I'm more comfortable with myself now, and that counts for a lot.

In addition to writing more, I need to get back on the Yoga wagon. Let me rephrase (in keeping with my work in 10 Days to Self-Esteem. You can say what you like about the concept of "self-esteem," but the book was really helpful): It would be beneficial for me to get back on the Yoga wagon. I want to feel more centered, you know? More in the moment, less of my mind in the elsewhere and "elsewhen." So I'm just articulating this in hopes that if I say it publicly I'll be more likely to follow though. Also, I say it in hopes that I'll have some sort of accountability in the sense that one or two of you will care enough to say, "Hey, D. how's your Yoga practice going?"

The other thing at the moment is emotional eating. I realize that people who have mega-metabolisms and who are not prone to emotional eating just don't get the whole thing. But I do have a tendency to eat for emotional reasons. Lately, I think it's a nesting instinct, since moving. This nesting instinct is not in itself bad. However, eating food I don't need could be destructive. I guess what I mean is that I just want to be more aware of why I'm eating when I am. And really, there are times when other activities would be more healthy than eating, activities like writing, drinking a cup of tea, relaxing, that sort of thing.

All random, I suppose.

Update on the Sock Project

I just realized that since I got busy with end of the semester and moving, not only did I let my writing go, but I also let the Sock Project slide. And it's really too bad, because I think it's one of the best ideas I've had in a long time, certainly better than the time I decided that when my roller-ball pen quit writing I should suck on the end to get the ink flowing.

Well, here's an update. A couple of weeks ago, we had graduation, and naturally we had to wear gowns and the whole regalia thing. Well, I feel pretty silly in all that, and in the past, I'd just pretended I was a student at Hogwarts as a coping mechanism. However, this time, I decided I'd wear pink, stripy knee-highs peeking out under my gown, just to add interest and to set me apart from the rest of the group. A week or so before graduation, I announced this intention to some colleagues, and T. also wore bright red socks for graduation. The effect, however, was somewhat lessened for T., as they were hid beneath his pants and shoes. But I thought I was pretty kick-ass to wear pink socks for graduation. Now I wish I'd taken pictures!

I was quite proud and thought I was certainly the most interesting faculty member that day. That is, I thought I was the most interesting until the next day when I heard that C.P. vomited (yep, hurled, blew chunks, barfed, yawned in technicolor) during the ceremony. That's way more interesting than my socks. Well, easy come, easy go, I guess.