Things (From the Mundane to the Miraculous) for Which I Feel Thankful Today

1. That Ruby was born healthy

2. That the sun is shining

3. My iPod (Still so in love!)

4. Really good dinners

5. Having a job that I enjoy (well, I enjoy it most of the time!)

6. Living in such a wonderful, perfect house

7. Living in such a wonderful, perfect house on such a beautiful piece of property

8. Emma and Lauren

9. Jake, Cheri, and John

10. Mexican food

11. That my parents are actually still married to one another--seems like so many in my generation are the children of divorced parents!

12. Guinnie and Polly

13. Really mindless television

14. Really intelligent television

15. Hugh Laurie

16. Cara, Cortney, Joy, and everyone else I love

17. My physical health

18. Emotional healing

19. The ability to read and write

AND

20. The Beatles

A Newfound Resolve to Blog

Ok, I know that I've not been blogging with any kind of regularity lately. There are, I think, any number of reasons for that, but they really don't matter all that much, so I'll spare you the details. I have, however, resolved to blog more frequently starting now. I rather regret letting it slide the past few weeks, I have to say, in part because I've read such interesting things, and it would be useful to have a record of what I've read and what I've been thinking about it. And maybe I'll come back to it. Let me say this: Anne Lamott is like meeting a new friend. Also, Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking was emotionally difficult to read (it's about the year after her husband of 40 some years dies unexpectedly) but is beautifully written. This just confirms my sense that Didion is a brilliant writer. Also, simply not reading fiction all the time is different for me.

But here I am with my renewed resolve to blog. My goal, as before, is to write at least one entry each day, even if it's a short, mundane entry. The important think, for me, is that I simply keep writing. It's like treading water, in some ways. It doesn't seem to always get me where I want to go, but it at least keeps my head above water until I figure out something better. My secondary goal is to write at least something, even two sentences, about each book-length thing I read. Incidentally, I just started Lamott's Bird by Bird. It seems encouraging. But maybe it's just that I like Lamott's voice as a writer.

I'm also reading Camille Paglia. Paglia, for those of you who don't know her work (and I'm not suggesting that you should) is this crazy, outspoken anti-feminist feminist. And she's got this almost frenetic energy that seems to drive her work. Although I don't necessarily agree with her, I always find her writing insightful. By that, I mean that I feel like I'm learning something or at least having to think. One thing I enjoy about Paglia is that she draws her examples from this wide array of Western culture, citing classical myth, art history, and contemporary pop culture to make one point. She's so sweeping in her range and also in her assertions, and she allows few objections. I'm fascinated by her rhetorical approach as well as her knowledge. I do have to say this, however: I am reading feminist stuff again. I seem to turn to this at uncomfortable, unsettled points in my personal life, although I'm not feeling especially unsettled at the moment. So I don't know what's going on. As far as I'm aware, I'm relatively content. I do start to wonder what's going on when feminism is appealing to me.

And so there it is, the update on what's really important in my life.

Just a Couple More Pics

I really LOVE my deck, but these pictures don't do it justice.

Planters on the Deck

Ok, these aren't the greatest pics, but I'm posting them mostly for the benefit of my mom. These show the planters and the new furniture on my deck. I wish I could take a pic that showed the whole thing, but I can't get it all to fit in a single picture.

I'm having rather a rough time emotionally lately, and the worst part of it is that I feel like it's all my fault yet I'm not fixing it. I am so frustrated, mostly with myself. And my anxiety is pretty bad. I don't know what to do. I'm just so irritated. Relaxing is really hard lately.

I guess the thing is that I don't do all the things each day that I think I'm supposed to do: yoga, pray, meditate, write. And I'm annoyed with myself. Yet I don't seem to do anything about it.

I know, also, that I've fallen behind on correspondence and such. If any of you bother to read this blog anymore, I apologize for not being a better friend. I'm not sure what's going on with me, other than I can't seem to get anything done. But I can't relax either.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Anne Lammot

Just wanted to say real quick that I'm reading Anne Lammot, and she's pretty amazing.

I really promise to blog more often; I need it!

D

"Sucks to your ass-mar"

So I've just been diagnosed with a "reactive airway," which according to my doctor is what "we used to call asthma." Apparently, "asthma" is a relatively broad term, and the medical establishment is trying to be more precise. It's really not all that big of a deal, for the most part. I have this cough that won't go away, but that's about it. And I can use an inhaler to open my air ways. The thing is that the inhaler makes me feel all amped, you know? Like I've had about three too many lattes. So I try not to use it at night.

Sometimes, I lie in bed and cough and can't stop. And all I can think is, "Sucks to your ass-mar." And that just makes me giggle which, in turn, makes me cough even more.

Green Beans

I just ate the yummiest green beans. My digestive system seems all "off" lately, and I've been feeling kinda icky. I attribute it to eating too much fried stuff and carbs. Since moving, all I want is bread, pasta, pizza, and fried sea food--not a very healthy diet. So for the next couple of days, I am only eating fruits, veggies, yogurt, and soy milk. Using EVOO and spices is fine, you know, to season and dress things. But I feel like I just need to eat really natural, cleansing kinds of stuff for a while to get back on track.

So earlier, I just quickly boiled some frozen green beans, just until they were tender, not soft and gushy. I should add that I particularly like green beans prepared just about any way. I felt like Rachel Ray or something though when I tossed them in a little sesame oil, rice vineggar, soy sauce, a tiny bit of onion and garlic powders, and a tiny dash of hot sauce. It was just like yummy, healthy, Asian green beans. Seriously, I've been watching way too much Rachel Ray. But it was divinely good!

House Pics--Interior

These shots aren't very good and don't really do justice to the interior, but here you go anyway. What they don't reflect at all are the cathedral-style ceilings in the living area. The kitchen / dining / living rooms are really one open, kind of great room.

This is the living room. What you can see here is the great window, which has a lovely view. You can also see (just a little) my new furniture.









This is a shot of the kitchen, which is still rather a mess. It's not a huge kitchen, although much bigger than what I had at my last apartment. But it's a great lay out in that the space is all totally usable. The window looks out to a gorgeous back yard.












This is the dining area, which is separated from the kitchen just by a bar. It has a great sliding glass door, as you can see, that opens onto the deck and provides this great view of the back yard. The sliding glass door is nice, as it allows Guinnie and Polly to bask in the sun.












Finally, this pic shows the view from the glass door in the dining area.

House pics--Exterior

Some of these aren't the greatest, as things are still rather disorganized around the place. But this will give you a sense of what it's like and of the projects I've been working on. I think the layout of the pics on this page may end up being kinda wacky--I have trouble with getting them just right!

Here's the front yard and the front side of the house. I just installed the solar lights along the walk way.















This is a shot of the back yard, which is quite spacious. What you can't see here is that there's a great little brook running just behind the trees. I can hear it gurgguling along when I sit in my HOT TUB!








Here's the back yard from another angle. You should note my two tier deck with a large HOT TUB! It's beautiful in the evenings to sit on the deck and listen to the birds and the brook--no city noises really. I've been working on water-sealing the deck the past couple of days

Steven Winwood, Yoga, and Emotional Eating

Here's a confession: once in a while, I enjoy Steve Winwood. There's something about Steven Winwood and George Michael that takes me back to about 8th grade. And I get nostalgic for a world that seemed simpler. However, I'm pretty sure that I'm a better person now. At the very least, I'm more comfortable with myself now, and that counts for a lot.

In addition to writing more, I need to get back on the Yoga wagon. Let me rephrase (in keeping with my work in 10 Days to Self-Esteem. You can say what you like about the concept of "self-esteem," but the book was really helpful): It would be beneficial for me to get back on the Yoga wagon. I want to feel more centered, you know? More in the moment, less of my mind in the elsewhere and "elsewhen." So I'm just articulating this in hopes that if I say it publicly I'll be more likely to follow though. Also, I say it in hopes that I'll have some sort of accountability in the sense that one or two of you will care enough to say, "Hey, D. how's your Yoga practice going?"

The other thing at the moment is emotional eating. I realize that people who have mega-metabolisms and who are not prone to emotional eating just don't get the whole thing. But I do have a tendency to eat for emotional reasons. Lately, I think it's a nesting instinct, since moving. This nesting instinct is not in itself bad. However, eating food I don't need could be destructive. I guess what I mean is that I just want to be more aware of why I'm eating when I am. And really, there are times when other activities would be more healthy than eating, activities like writing, drinking a cup of tea, relaxing, that sort of thing.

All random, I suppose.

Update on the Sock Project

I just realized that since I got busy with end of the semester and moving, not only did I let my writing go, but I also let the Sock Project slide. And it's really too bad, because I think it's one of the best ideas I've had in a long time, certainly better than the time I decided that when my roller-ball pen quit writing I should suck on the end to get the ink flowing.

Well, here's an update. A couple of weeks ago, we had graduation, and naturally we had to wear gowns and the whole regalia thing. Well, I feel pretty silly in all that, and in the past, I'd just pretended I was a student at Hogwarts as a coping mechanism. However, this time, I decided I'd wear pink, stripy knee-highs peeking out under my gown, just to add interest and to set me apart from the rest of the group. A week or so before graduation, I announced this intention to some colleagues, and T. also wore bright red socks for graduation. The effect, however, was somewhat lessened for T., as they were hid beneath his pants and shoes. But I thought I was pretty kick-ass to wear pink socks for graduation. Now I wish I'd taken pictures!

I was quite proud and thought I was certainly the most interesting faculty member that day. That is, I thought I was the most interesting until the next day when I heard that C.P. vomited (yep, hurled, blew chunks, barfed, yawned in technicolor) during the ceremony. That's way more interesting than my socks. Well, easy come, easy go, I guess.

I haven't been writing lately, I know. And there's something inside me that makes me feel like I need to be writing. So I'm renewing my committment to blogging. I figure if I say it publically, then I'm more likely to follow through.

I need to be writing and here, blogging is just the least of it, a warm up, really. I'm afraid I'll loose my sense of self if I let go of writing. I know that this sounds neurotic to those of you who aren't writers, but those of you who know what writing can mean will understand.

Well, more tomorrow, the first day of the rest of my life.

I'll write every day, starting now.

Update

Although I'm still unpacking, I'm all moved! My parents have been here all week, and between moving and visiting with them, I simply haven't had time to post anything. The move went fairly well, thanks mostly to friends and my parents. I'll post more soon. I'll e-mail you my new address soon.

Velouria

Drennan (singing): My Velouria, my Velouria / Even I'll adore you / My Velouria

*sigh* some days life is so perfectly beautiful

I'm just so tired, almost all the time. It's like any little thing tires me out, and the worst part is that it's really difficult to get much of anything done. Here I am with all this grading and packing to do, but all I really can do is sleep. Just taking the dogs out seems to require all the energy I can find, and then I feel like I need to rest for a while. And I'm pretty sure I'm not just lazy, but it's all really frustrating. And I saw the doctor again today; he wants to run more tests of one sort and another. I'm frustrated with not feeling well and frustrated with having to spend time getting all these medical things done. I don't know what to do anymore.

I know that I haven't been posting much lately. I feel absolutely overwhelmed with moving and end of the semester stuff. Really, I feel like if one more thing comes up that I have to do, I could explode (or implode, which is really much more interesting and probably less messy.) Earlier today, I was out doing errands of one sort and other. I went to the bank to make sure that I had the correct amount of money in my checking and savings accounts so that I'm all ready for the big home purchase later this week, and afterwards I planned to go to the grocery store. As I left the bank, I started to feel panicky, and I wasn't sure that I'd be able to make it to the store. I really thought I'd have a panic attack in the grocery store parking lot. But the good thing is that I was able to take a deep breath and talk myself through it all. I'm getting better and better at that. So although it was highly unpleasant, I was able to do it. I have to tell myself things like, "Ok, all I have to do is park the car. That's all I have to do," and once the car's parked, I say, "Ok, now all I have to do is lock the car and walk into the store." I know it sounds crazy, but breaking it into tiny pieces is the only way I can manage when I get panicky.

After the store I came home and made myself a calzone, which was really good, and had a beer, which was even better. FYI, my new favourite is this local organic micro-brew called Wolaver's, and I LOVE their brown ale. It's so tasty! And, really, don't we all need a fav beer? I know that some would say that 2:00 is rather early to start drinking, but I say, "It's 5:00 somewhere!"

Interesting Links:

Ok, TS sent me the following, and I think it's super-cool in that not-quite-goth kind of way:

www.michaelpaulus.com/gallery/character-Skeletons

It's totally worth checking out, in case you ever wondered what, say, Pig Pen looks like below the surface.

Here's another good one from JS:

www.houseoffame.blogspot.com

It's a blog purportedly by Geoffrey Chaucer. And really, what could be more fun than that?

Finally, no one wants to miss out on uber-geek Wil Wheaton of Stand by Me and ST Next Generation fame:

www.wilwheaton.net

If you are really in love with Wil, you can subscribe to his podcasts, apparently. That's going a bit further than I really want to go.

Maybe it's nerdy that I like all this stuff, and I'm fine with that.

Not Quite Myself. . .

I don't really like this phraseology, nor am I sure how accurate it is, but I cannot think of a better way to say it. I just feel not quite like myself lately. I'm not unhappy. I don't feel sick (like I did for a while) or sad or even discontent. I told my mom yesterday that I felt out of sorts, but that doesn't really cover it either. I just feel different, somehow. She said that it seemed to her that I was doing well lately, and I suppose I am in a lot of ways. She suggested that maybe whatever's happened in my life in the past two year or so has in some important way changed who I am, that the important things that happen to us do affect who we are. I agree with that, in theory. I don't know yet if it's applicable to me or not.

A couple of days ago, I told A. that I felt "cut adrift but still floating." Although using U2 lyrics to describe one's emotional state may be cheezy (although you all know that I have the whole thing about thinking all would be well if only there were the perfect song for each moment, the perfect soundtrack for each day), that line, as much as anything, describes what I feel. (I should attribute, I suppose: that line is from "So Cruel," which is not one of U2's better known songs. I'm pretty sure it's on Achtung, Baby.) But I am still floating; I get up each morning and breathe in and out and go to work and do what needs to be done. Inside, I feel unmoored or something. Does that make sense?

The other part of it is (maybe this is just being overly introspective and insecure on my part) that I feel like I used to be this interesting person who did interesting things and read interesting books and had interesting things to say to those who would take the time to listen. Now I feel like maybe I'm just going through the motions and am not nearly as interesting as I used to be. I have no idea why being "interesting" is even so important to me. Is this simply the manifestation of some other insecurity that I'm not acknowledging? I hope not. I have worked and continue to work on becoming a stronger, better, emotionally healthier person. I don't want to be stuck in insecurity any more.

I guess I'm just trying to sort things out. I am allowing for the possibility that maybe I'm just tired and overworked and that once the semester is over and I move this will all take care of itself. I'm also allowing for the possibility that this is simply a symptom of the larger loneliness I feel.

Reflection on Blogging. . .

I just decided that instead of posting silly, obligatory posts, I will only blog when I have something to say, like, "Hey, isn't that Wil Wheaton swell?" or, "Does anyone know a good recipe for strawberry sorbet?" No really, I'm only going to post when there's something I want to say or I'm having that need to write, the psychological, emotional one that makes me feel like I better write NOW or I might implode (which is much more interesting than exploding). I figure I'll just spare myself and all of you having to read some banal thing about how I'm writing because I think I have to and blah, blah, blah.

But the more I think about it and the more I do it, blogging has come to serve this important function in my life. And there are things besides blogging that can do it too; I mean, I write in my journal or e-mail Dolce Carina for some of the same reasons. So I guess that I don't exactly need to blog. Still, it's good for me, like the whole pressure valve thing, if you know what I mean.

Incidentally, with each passing day, I am increasingly confused (or maybe just increasingly honest) about what it is I want from an intimate relationship. Still, I am convinced that I'll know it when I see it. But the weird part about it is that I am OK with being confused; I'm mostly comfortable with it. And that's unlike me. I guess maybe it represents emotional growth that I can be accepting of myself in this way. Still seems weird though. Oops, this whole paragraph is not clearly within the stated focus of this post. I think I'll leave it anyway. It seems important somehow.

The great thing, the empowering thing about blogging is that I'm honest and then all that honesty is just out there. I mean, it's empowering in that I'm, maybe for the first time in my life, saying exactly what I'm thinking and feeling and not worrying about what other people will think, you know? I just say it, and it's there for the world to see. I guess it feels like I'm being totally honest about what I believe and what I'm feeling, and for once, I don't feel the need to apologize for it. I like this. This is reason enough to blog.

So I know this was all pretty random and that most of you aren't too interested, and that's OK too. To me the important thing is not who reads it but simply that I write it.